Outsourcing intimacy

Today we'll discuss the most recent innovation in achieving intimacy without actually having to see, touch or even be in the same room as the other person. The greeting card industry has always been on the cutting edge of this trend. Some of us are old enough to remember when the greeting card section consisted of holiday, birthday or special occasion cards, such as "Happy First Holy Communion to My Favorite Step-Nephew."

But the late 20th century brought a major leap forward, with cards meant not for a particular occasion but for a particular feeling. An early example: "We've been hurt. I think we need to forgive each other" -- probably still a big seller today in the Trump and O'Donnell households. They were known as "emotionally expressive" cards, and they remain just the ticket for people who want to be frank and emotional but not so frank and emotional that they want to be in the vicinity for the reaction.

These cards save a lot of wasted breath. And, instead of seeking professional help, men -- to choose a gender at random -- can buy a greeting card and pass for normal, expressive human beings, and THEN get back to the TV.

Another breakthrough

Now, Hallmark, the giant of the industry, has taken the linguistic sloth movement one step further with its new "Journeys" line. The cards, pastel with looping calligraphy, come in four categories covering most downbeat situations: "Give Hope" (for health issues, such as test results, surgery or chemo); "Show Support" (for coming out of the closet, addressing addiction or quitting bad habits -- any comment from the gay community on this lumping together?); "Help Cope" (for infertility, miscarriage or caring for an aging parent); and "Life Spirits" (for divorce, job loss, depression or "leaving a bad situation").

In other words, these are cards for occasions when we would normally duck the person. But, as Hallmark's Web site says, "Welcome to the new normal." So, for example, instead of ignoring a friend whose car is repossessed or fails to win yet another Nobel, send him the Journey card that says: "I'm sorry about the way things turned out. I believe in you as much as ever ... I hope you do too."

Then you can go back to avoiding him, while getting credit for being thoughtful.

It's in the cards

From the Journey line, as found on hallmark.com. We're not sure about the first one: a sperm donor?

Cover: What you did was amazing, beyond generous and kind. You started a miracle. You gave the gift of life.

Inside: How can anyone thank you enough?

Cover: Some days it's hard to throw off the covers, to hit the alarm, harder, even, to pick up the toothbrush.

Inside: When the world gets heavy, remember, I'm here to help carry it with you.

Cover: Life's hard. You know. You've told me so. we talk. we see absurdity. we bitch. we moan. we wail and groan till things somehow feel lighter now.

Inside: We laugh. We cope. You give me hope.

From the AP
• Man Buys Smoker, Finds Human Leg Inside • Coach Stops Runaway Horse by Biting Ear • Man Allegedly Tries to Use 'Blurry' $100 • Police Break Up Brawl at Chuck E. Cheese • Suggestive Card Ruffles Farmer's Feathers • Nerds to Auction Themselves to Women • Toilet to Tap? San Jose Probes Plan • Seattle to Allow Pygmy Goats As Pets • Yankees Rookies Dress Up in Oz Costumes

Cover: Sometimes, the best thing to do is just look in the mirror and say..."

Inside: What shoes go with this STRESS?"

Cover: If this situation has you thinking four-letter words...

Inside: Here are some you may want to add to the list -- HOPE and HUGS.

National Bottoming Out Day?

Meghan Daum, Los Angeles Times columnist: "Confession, it turns out, is our primary form of self-expression. Teenagers who once hid their diaries from their parents now think nothing of posting their innermost thoughts on MySpace. Domestic disputes that we once hoped the neighbors wouldn't overhear are now an occasion to try to get on the 'Dr. Phil' show.

"Combine this obsession with exhibitionism and the grateful willingness to let someone else do it, and pretty soon someone is purchasing a card that tackles her best friend's eating disorder and maybe even her transgendered neighbor's restless leg syndrome.

"There's more. If Hallmark can empower a holiday like National Secretary's Day (now known as Administrative Professionals Day), surely we're only a few short years from National Bottoming Out Day, and even bigger sales for Journeys cards. Because when you care enough to send the very best, you might as well rub it in."

We want to help

The Morning File line of special cards:

To the IRS

Cover: Now that you mention it, $30,104 in deductions does sound a bit high on income of $37,000.

Inside: Thanks so much for spotting my wife's careless mistake!

To a tenant

Cover: I understand that you need to kick up your heels, toot your own horn and march to the beat of your own drummer.

Inside: Just be out of the apartment by the end of the month.

To PennDOT

Cover: We can't all be competent.

Inside: But thanks for keeping us from rushing through life.

Peter Leo