We lose the Oscar

The speech I would have given if The Morning File had won the Oscar for best animated feature:

"Wow. I never expected this. I don't know what to say. [Slight welling of tears.] I only wish I had prepared something. I just want to say from the bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you, thank you. There are so many people and deities who should be standing up here with me [voice cracks] -- my lovely wife, my two brilliant children, the Post-Gazette for believing in me as a guy who could fill space, the backup Morning File guys (whose names escape me), the artists, my fashion consultants at Burlington Coat Factory, my hair stylist Lou, my beer distributor, my pharmacist. [Orchestra kicks in with some annoying tinkling notes.] Oh, God, who am I forgetting? That's right, God. What can you say about God? This past year it seemed as if He was everywhere. He's amazing. He's like a God to me. You deserve a hunk of this [looking upward]. He was with me when I was a lonely kid in Teaneck, N.J., with nothing but a dream, a dream that I would grow up, grab hold of the Internet and, staying ahead of the curve, recycle it days later into print journalism . . . " (Orchestra drowns out rest of speech and I am led off stage.)

God had an exceptional night

David Wells, film blogger for the Guardian.co.uk on best actor winner Forest Whitaker: "Building up from a heart-tugging tribute to his home in east Texas, he worked up to thanking the people of Uganda, his ancestors, and in a booming, rooftop-raising voice, God, 'who has given me this moment in this lifetime that I will hopefully carry to the end of my lifetime and into the next lifetime.' In an otherwise so-so year for speeches, God was something of a theme. 'Oh my God. I have to just take this moment in. I can't believe it. I didn't think I was going to win. Look what God can do!' That was former American Idol contestant and best supporting actress for 'Dreamgirls,' Jennifer Hudson. I just hope God was watching."

Even Marty beat us to an Oscar

Xan Brooks, another Guardian blogger: "I really do hope that [Martin] Scorsese has never cared that he didn't have an Oscar. I hope that he judges his worth on different criteria to that. And yet the evidence suggests that the Academy Award did matter to him, and that he perhaps felt his career was not quite complete without it. So I'm glad he has the thing at last. I'm happy for his happiness. I just wish we hadn't had to sit through three hours of guff just to see him finally take the stage."

Guardian readers speak up

A Brit on "The Queen": "A made for TV movie that Americans lapped up for reasons best known to themselves."

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A Yank: "The best thing about Helen Mirren for me last night was that my PBS station showed an episode of 'Prime Suspect' at midnight. Thank heaven, something to actually keep my attention. I have watched my last Oscar night, and I am 72 so I have seen some real stinkers."

And now back to Anna Nicole

Hank Stuever of The Washington Post on the darn near wholesome red carpet lead-in to Oscar night: "We could use this right about now, as an antidote to all that In-N-Out-drive-thru-style rehab, all that unseemly live video feed from Florida courtrooms, all that breathless Britney weed-whack-a-doodle-do. Celebrities are such a bummer now, except here, at the ultimate prom. How refreshing to see something as mannered and calm as Helen Mirren making her way through a more-mobbed-than-ever arrivals area on this dullish-gray afternoon. . . It's as if we're getting ready to go into a National Merit Scholars induction. Everyone's an honor-roll kid, mulling over their application essay about post-consumer plastics and conflict-free diamonds. Bring on the nerds! Bring that 'Little Miss Sunshine' girl, all pretty-prettied-up in pink! Bring out your earnest Mexican auteurs. Bring out your Blanchett, your sense of dame! Bring out your responsible mommies. Bring anything but your personal drama! Bring on Al and Tipper!

"Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio explained during the awards show that Oscar producers, working with the National Resources Defense Council, have done soooo much to reduce the environmental drain that this event can have on the planet. Celebrities, who once wanted something so simple as the brown M&M's removed from the candy bowl, now want to know that wherever they go, they aren't leaving carbon footprints."

What ever happened to Jujubes?

Comic Larry David, collared on the red carpet (his wife, Laurie, was up for an Oscar as producer of "An Inconvenient Truth"), revealed his game plan for the ceremony: "I have a pocket full of candy bars and I'm not sharing one of them. Not a bite. But I won't crinkle the wrappers when I open then."