You go, Gertrude!

If you're a man of a certain age -- say, under 88 -- and saw the photos in last Wednesday's Post-Gazette of the AARP "real people" models chosen from Pittsburgh, I know exactly what you were thinking: Va-va-va-VOOM.

Steve Giralt, AARP The Magazine AARP "real people," clockwise from top left: Beverly Piacquadio, 62; Vike Rideout, 70; Joan Lally, 72; and Vicki Cavanaugh, 64. Click photo for larger image. Related coverage AARP magazine finds Pittsburgh a hot spot for beauties age 50 and up View an audio slideshow made last summer when AARP came to Pittsburgh: Smiling past 50 / AARP's Real People Model Search comes to Pittsburgh

Members of the under-50 set, in particular, were probably saying, "If this is what women look like once they receive their senior discounts, I can't wait to hook up with one over lunch at Eat'n Park." That's right, you get to hang out with a hot postmenopausal babe, plus save a buck or two off the check. If there's any man whose libido isn't activated by that combo, someone better check him for a pulse, stat.

Granted, it's a tad superficial to judge a person merely by a 2-by-3 mug shot taken under controlled lighting conditions, with possible air brushing involved. That's precisely the reason we couldn't decide if we had fallen more in love with the 64-year-old retired teacher from Aspinwall or the 72-year-old former nursing home administrator from Oakland.

For those of you who know today's author of The Morning File, I sense you're murmuring, "But, but, these women are old enough to be your mother, and someone else's grandmother!" All I can say, bub, is, mothers and grandmas ain't what they used to be.

The fruit of youth

Let's suppose genetics or God's graces or ginkgo biloba extracts have failed to make you look younger to the opposite sex than you really are, which is a neat trick to pull off. What's an aging woman to do? Fill up the house with grapefruit, naturally.

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A study reported two years ago at the annual meeting of the American Psychiatric Association found that when given a heavy dose of the aroma of grapefruit, men guessed women's ages to be six years younger than they actually were.

Yes, we've never heard anything more absurd in our lives either -- other than that recent information about Zsa Zsa Gabor's eighth husband and Anna Nicole Smith. But researchers from the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation put separate masks carrying the odors of grapefruits, cucumbers, grapes and nothing at all over the faces of men and women, and asked them to judge the ages of female models in photographs.

The different masks had no effect upon women, but for men, the grapefruit-scented masks had them under-estimating ages by six years on average. Researcher Alan B. Hirsch said the aroma might have made subjects happy and inclined to judge people in a better light, or it could have acted as a stress buster for them, or even created some sexual arousal that clouded their judgment.

Kinky old poetry

The Orange County Register holds an annual International Longevity Light Verse Contest for readers to submit prose and poetry about aging. The word "geezer" is prohibited, perhaps because it's just too hard to figure out how to rhyme it sensibly with the rock band Weezer. The judges liked this submission in 2005:

Kinky sex is where it's at
When you are 65.
It cricks your neck
And tweaks you back,
You think you won't survive.
Those oohs and aahs behind closed doors
That sound like love's refrain
Are emanating from the mouths
Of lovers locked in pain.

And some old-fashioned tips

The federal Bureau of Labor Statistics reports men and women over 45 spend about $38 billion a year on personal care products and services, compared with less than $30 billion spent by younger consumers. The older segment of the population is either more vain about its looks, or knows it needs to work harder to preserve whatever decent appearance it has.

This is why lots of doctors and writers in the anti-aging field become very rich, hawking elixirs like neuropeptide cell rejuvenation and anti-wrinkle chemical glow peel techniques. This enables the doctors and writers to spend much of that $38 billion where it belongs: on their own personal appearance.

On the other hand, you get zany suggestions like those of Dr. Andrew Weil, author of the book "Healthy Aging." He offers such laughable advice as sleeping better, exercising the brain and reducing stress, all part of some incredible magical formula to help one age gracefully.

Tell you what, doc: Take two Botox injections, and call us in the morning.