It was an Oscar telecast only cable network Bravo could love. Not the current, reality-obsessed Bravo. No, I'm talking about the old-school, highbrow Bravo that no longer exists.

	Associated Press photos Ellen DeGeneres was sunny and funny, but it didn't help much. Click photo for larger image.

While there's certainly an audience for that kind of programming, it's a small, non-mainstream audience. That tone fit the Best Picture nominees -- largely nonblockbusters that not many people saw -- but it led to a terribly boring "79th Annual Academy Awards."

At about 8:45 last night, I imagined ABC executives, who had hoped for big Oscar ratings, wailing at the TV, "You're not artists, you're entertainers! Entertain, dammit!"

Even host Ellen DeGeneres, who, with her daytime talk show, is as mainstream as they come, seemed to get caught up in the desire to bore viewers into submission (or at least into flipping over to a "Cold Case" rerun on CBS).

The evening started poorly with a dull, confusing seven-minute film (by director Errol Morris, DeGeneres said) that featured Oscar nominees, many of whom were unrecognizable and said nothing of any consequence.

There was hope that DeGeneres might redeem the telecast, but her patter was not nearly as funny as the times she's hosted the Emmy Awards, celebrating television.

Flashes of entertainment were separated by long dull stretches. Click photo for larger image.

"It's not that we don't have time for long speeches," DeGeneres warned nominees, "it's that we don't have time for boring speeches."

But apparently there was limitless time for lifeless filler during the Oscars, such as the Sound Effects Choir, which made noises that accompanied classic film scenes, or the intro to the adapted screenplay award that was a series of old movie scenes featuring writers.

(Just after I checked my thesaurus for synonyms for "boring," Melissa Etheridge began singing Oscar-nominated song "I Need to Wake Up." Truer words ...)

And what were producers thinking when they set the awards lineup? Usually there's an award given that most film fans care about early on, even if it's a token interesting award followed by more technical awards. This year, it took almost 55 minutes before Rachel Weisz presented the best supporting actor award to Alan Arkin for "Little Miss Sunshine."

	Jack Black, John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell provide some needed laughs. Click photo for larger image.

The Oscars livened up momentarily with the Will Ferrell-Jack Black-John C. Reilly song about how comedians are usually ignored at the Academy Awards. But, largely, the Oscarcast was as unfunny as DeGeneres' intentionally stale, recycled jokes about "Gilligan's Island." (Why didn't a smart producer drop this sketch after seeing how poorly the evening was going?)

Better luck next year, Oscarcast.

Our awards, such as they are:

Most improved: ABC's pre-show, after years of embarrassments, was actually watchable. No terrible questions or obnoxious interviewers, just missteps by Vogue style expert Andre Leon Talley, who came across as stiff and rehearsed when he said, "Great, great, great, great, great" as Jada Pinkett Smith tried to answer his question.

Best political gag: The orchestra played off former vice president Al Gore when he appeared ready to announce he would again run for president of the United States.

Presenters Helen Mirren and Tom Hanks. Click photo for larger image.

Best sarcasm: After backstage reporter Chris Connelly promised "more fun to come," presenter Tom Hanks mocked him, saying, "You bet, Chris! More fun!" If only ...

Might as well: DeGeneres handed director Martin Scorsese a screenplay she supposedly wrote that's "a cross between 'GoodFellas' and 'Big Momma's House.' "

"I'll just take a look during the show," Scorsese said. Why not? Nothing better to do.

Good sport: Meryl Streep went into her cold, Miranda Priestly stare when "The Devil Wears Prada" co-stars Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway presented the award for costumes.

Wandering goofball: Good-natured DeGeneres did score some laughs when she asked director Steven Spielberg to take her picture with Oscar nominee Clint Eastwood for her MySpace page.

"Can you make it more even on both sides?" DeGeneres asked before handing Spielberg the camera to snap a second take.