Can it really be almost Valentine's Day again? Is there any way to opt out? A hearts bypass?

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Still, just out of sheer bloodymindedness, I once again offer my advice for the romance-challenged (men) as the Big VD hurtles at us like a Belgian-chocolate-enrobed freight train.

This year, I address myself to the economically challenged. If you can buy your beloved a Caribbean cruise or even dinner at a place where the food doesn't come on a tray, you probably don't need much help. But what can you give that shows your heart is full even if your wallet is empty?

An hour-long full-body massage and a serious scrubbing of the kitchen floor, that's what. That sure says "love" to me.

Not so keen? Your only other alternative is original poetry.

Wait, wait -- before you get out the -- oh dear, is that olive oil? -- and the bucket (tell me that's for the floor), let's not be hasty about abandoning the poetry idea. Let's waste a lot of time and effort before abandoning it.

The important thing to remember when composing original love poetry for Valentine's Day is that talent is totally unnecessary. Don't obsess about your poor vocabulary, utter lack of rhythm or unfamiliarity with any poetic form that doesn't begin "There once was a man from ...."

The key to composing really touching, memorable love poetry is to be sincere and personal. Customize the poem to your relationship, or, if it's more inspiring, to the relationship you imagine you have with Carmen Electra.

Think about the paraphernalia and special memories you share with your beloved, and soon you will be scribbling down heartfelt verse.

Perhaps it was the snow outside,
Perhaps the streetlight's flicker;
Perhaps it was the cozy hush,
Or the 40 of malt liquor;
But when I took you in my arms
For love extraordinary,
I didn't care who saw or heard.
We lit up that library!

At some point you may want to decide whether you want to be funny and playful or passionate and romantic. If you think anyone will be able to tell the difference. Just be sure not to be humorous about something that may have been deeply meaningful to your beloved!

Skinny dip! Skinny dip!
Take off skirt and bra and slip!
Who's that coming? Where's your top?
See you later! It's a cop!

In fact, by using warmth and a lighthearted tone, you may be able to smooth over a hurtful mistake you made in the past.

My friend Tammy, she's so nice,
She has us over for chicken and rice.
She throws parties with punch and stew,
But I don't love her, 'cause she's not you.
My friend Wanda, she's so fun,
She's all dancing and drinks and sun.
She has boyfriends, a lot, it's true,
But I'm not one, 'cause she's not you.
Then there's Anna, she's so hot,
Pretty and sweet and modest (not!).
I'd have tried harder to resist her
If I'd known that she's your sister.

Having trouble with meter or rhyme scheme? You don't have to struggle; just find an existing poem and rewrite it with your own sentiments!

Roses are red, violets are blue,
After my buddies, my favorite is you!
They're best for darts, pool and drinking all day,
But I come to you for a roll in the hay.

If you think you can pull it off, though, the most intensely poetic, lyrical effect can be created by abandoning rhyme and just going for comparisons, descriptions and a focus on how your beloved makes you feel.

Our eyes meet,
like old friends in the supermarket who haven't seen each other since Pearl Harbor Day,
mine drinking in the brownness of yours,
drinking it in like coffee without cream,
like cocoa without marshmallows,
like steak sauce, and my heart
is a pinball in my chest cavity,
lighting up my ribs and lungs and liver,
until I glow inside like a bug zapper on a summer night.

Finally, to make your gift of love extra special, you may want to illustrate it with a picture.

Just consider how much you trust your sweetheart and whether you are ever likely to run for office. These things have a way of ending up on the Internet.