Sometimes things are just too funny for words.

Instead of thanking God every day for a gig on "Grey's Anatomy" in which his fair-to-middling talents are a small part of the mix, actor Isaiah Washington couldn't resist hurling a homophobic epithet at a colleague and lying about it -- twice.

So now he has to spend time in therapeutic lockdown to save both his job and his soul. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

When Washington finally emerges from his purgatory of prejudice, not only will he be a much more tolerant human being, he'll probably want to give Harvey Fierstein a run for his money when a role in "Torch Song Trilogy II" comes up.

Please, forgive me, but I'm an old-school sinner with an old-school impatience for flim-flam. When it comes to repentance, it's impossible to take it seriously when it's coerced, especially when the alternative is banishment from Hollywood.

Remember when hanging one's head in shame, proffering an unambiguous apology, confessing to God and maybe buying a beer for the injured party was enough to cover a multitude of sins?

These days, the healing process can't begin until every ounce of contrition has been vetted by publicists, lawyers and image consultants weighing each word for maximum repentance.

After the apology side of the equation has been sufficiently sketched out, every client is assigned a syndrome designed to elicit sympathy from people who don't have a clue about the arcane workings of the human condition anymore.

Hip to Tinseltown's ways, Isaiah Washington released a statement Wednesday so abject and dripping with remorse that only the most confirmed cynics -- which includes 95 percent of the population -- could possibly question its sincerity:

"With the support of my family and friends, I have begun counseling," Washington's carefully worded statement began, dragging his poor family into his maelstrom of shame.

"I regard this as a necessary step toward understanding why I did what I did and making sure it never happens again. I appreciate the fact that I have been given this opportunity, and I remain committed to transforming my negative actions into positive results, personally and professionally."

We can all thank Michael Richards and Mel Gibson for this horror. Legitimate drunks, dope fiends and sex addicts have fewer places to go now that valuable sofa space at high end rehab centers has been taken up by the likes of this trio of Hollywood reprobates.

What, exactly, does rehab for jerks with slurring problems consist of these days? Since anger at a great undifferentiated "Other" is at the root of intolerance, a few weeks of P.C. brainwashing can't be expected to change the orientation of a lifetime.

Still, Isaiah Washington is almost irrelevant to the larger issue of homophobia, especially its persistent expression in the African-American community.

Preachers who say little or nothing about the single moms who fill their pews and throw dollars in their collection plates every week are usually full of righteous indignation about their congregants who stick to the shadows.

Is it religion that fosters this willful ignorance and compulsion to deny basic civil rights to other oppressed minorities?

Why is the black church so complicit in taking up the cudgel of discrimination when so many organists, choir leaders and assistant pastors are obviously gay? What accounts for this shameful lack of honesty and tolerance?

Certainly, the non-religious corners of African-American life are proudly and defiantly homophobic. It's another pathology this community has to come to grips with sooner or later.

I really can't blame Isaiah Washington for trying to hold on to the sweetest gig he'll probably ever know, even if it means anger management and sensitivity training. Who would hire him after this fiasco?

Let's face it, though he's a competent enough actor, he's no Andre Braugher, Hugh Laurie or Forest Whitaker. You don't think "brilliant thespian" when Washington's name comes up. You think grumpy guy with a stethoscope.

Not only did Washington offend homosexuals by slurring T.R. Knight, he embarrassed straight, black folks like myself who aren't eager to deal with the stereotype that all black men are homophobes.