Somewhere out there on the ever-expanding list of things that are real hard to understand -- and this would include the need for inside-out Junior Mints -- is the process used by NFL teams that are interviewing head-coaching candidates.

I don't mean the selection of the candidates; I mean the actual interview questions available to the Rooneys and Kevin Colbert, by random example, and the dynamics of what they would consider to be the right and wrong answers.

Most of us have withstood the standard job interview, so we have a feel for the unique tensions involved, but the standard interview questions are difficult to apply in this situation.

"Tell us about yourself," is clearly off the table.

There are only 32 of these jobs in the entire world market, and if potential employers don't already know just about everything relevant about every viable candidate, they are likely to be potential employers again very soon.

"Tell us about someone else," is still available, and though it rarely gets used, candidates sometimes think they hear it wrapped in another question. About 20 years ago, interviewing in California, I thought I heard it in the question, "Who is the best sports columnist in the country?"

"Mark Whicker," I answered.

Oops.

Yeah, they hired Mark Whicker.

Similarly, "What do you like to do in your spare time?" seems superfluous, yet it might be worth asking. There being zero spare time in coaching pro football, any candidate that actually answers this question immediately thins the field by one. But that's as far as you can take the spare-time question, as the standard follow-ups, like "How will the Drama Society get on without you?" seem moot.

Relevant questions from the Steelers' administration have doubtless veered toward the unconventional, questions very much like though not necessarily these:

"Do you recognize that there's fine line in this business, a fine line that exists, and if so, what kinds of things does it separate, and how often would you feel it prudent to talk about it before you drive everybody absolutely nuts?"

This is the one they forgot to ask Bill Cowher in 1992, and his fine line admonitions totaled in the hundreds of thousands through last Friday.

"As a grown man, how do you feel about spending five weeks of your summer in a dorm room at a remote college founded upon the principles of Benedictine monasticism, a dorm room within walking distance of dozens of oversized, aggressive young men, many of them frustrated, some with arrest records?"

Candidates should refrain from giving a simple, "whatever" on this one and remember to include the word "bonding."

"How familiar are you with the lingering symptoms of and the recovery time for appendectomies, concussions, and the occasional face-splitting motorcycle accident?"

Candidates should refrain from responding, "Why do you ask?"

Among the qualifications that sold the Rooneys on Cowher during the last coach search was his fit with Pittsburgh, his knowledge of its sports culture, and, of course, his mastery of the local dialect. It wouldn't be unreasonable, then, to include these questions:

"Who was the intended receiver on the play known as the Immaculate Reception?"

Candidates citing the Virgin Mary, or claiming to have seen her in a screen door or a fig tree for that matter, may show themselves out.

"What is a 'merncy vickle?' "

Candidates unable to translate "emergency vehicle" from the Pittsburghese remain qualified, just not so much.

The employers surely will notice body language during this process, as research done by recruiting specialist Malcolm Reed has shown that "language is the most sophisticated product of the human intellect, and much effort is spent in refining and controlling its use, [but] the rest of the body is a complex yet comparatively primitive entity, over which only partial control can be exercised. If behavior indicates something different from the words spoken, it is virtually certain to be nearer the truth."

A good question, from the Steelers' standpoint, for the purposes of gauging body language might be: "How many pit bulls does it take to kill a small horse?"

Candidates who recognize a certain outside linebacker's signal for "check with me" are at an advantage, as are those who remember a few standard protocols about the interview process, like don't answer your cell phone during the interview. Seriously, it has happened.

Don't bring food, particularly wings or ribs. Don't drink alcoholic beverages before or during the interview.

No matter what happens, even if Chris Rock bursts into the interview room, do not laugh unless the interviewer does first.

Finally, in the Steelers' case, should they give you the old, "Do you have any questions for us?" don't say, "Yeah, why no cheerleaders?"