Today we present The Morning File's First Annual Holiday Guide, featuring some etiquette tips, our unique line of gifts and recommended TV specials.

Holiday Do's and Don't's

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Do not say, "All ready for Christmas?" Yes, it's a throwaway pleasantry, the seasonal equivalent of "Hot enough for you?" or "How 'bout those Steelers?" But the effect is to turn up the pressure several notches, particularly on those men who think they can get away with a two-minute drill on Christmas Eve. As a defensive strategy, work up some witty rejoinders to "All ready for Christmas?" Example: "No, but I'm all ready for New Year's Eve!"

If you are "all ready for Christmas," have the sense to keep it to yourself. Remember: You've put in months of planning, consuming and searching for mall parking spots, and for what? Seven minutes of frenzied unwrapping that we call Christmas. To keep from getting smug, ask yourself: Am I all ready for Christmas 2007?

Don't try to get away without including at least one personal note in your holiday cards. A concise "Love, Lance and Tipper" after a decade of non-contact doesn't cut it. The only thing worse? "Love, Lance and Tipper. Let us know how you guys are doing!"

Same thing applies to your four-page family newsletter. Squander a few personalized sentences on each person on your computerized list. Also, give friends a reward for plowing through the exhaustive year-end review by including a nugget of bad news that goes beyond elective surgery -- for example, the IRS audit, Dad's sexual harassment arrest and Jared's failure to break triple-figures on his SATs.

Do be a responsible party-giver. Isolate the potential troublemakers. No, not the drinkers. I'm talking about the guys who wear bow ties that light up and socks that play Christmas carols. Cordon them off in a special room.

Don't use name tags at your party. Too impersonal. Besides, you don't want to provide cover for your guests -- particularly the men -- to inspect each others' chests.

Don't recycle a gift fruitcake. As a practical matter, it violates the Patriot Act, although Guantanamo can be nice this time of year. But, morally, passing on your fruitcake is not a victimless crime. It perpetuates the cycle of abuse. Take it like a man or a woman, maybe incorporate the fruitcake into your weight-lifting program.

Do avoid stress. Don't go near a mall or a post office from here on out. The only two other possible stress-producing situations: Going through the holidays without family and going through the holidays with family.

Pittsburgh gift catalog

The Morning File gift division has no Internet capabilities, because that would give you a shot at getting through. Just call our 800 number, which has a voice-mail system specially designed to put you on hold while Kenny G and the Cincinnati Pops play "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" over and over again until you can't take it anymore and hang up. (See Patriotic Act and torture.)

Humorous bumper stickers

"I'd rather be jaywalking"

"People who reserve parking spaces with lawn chairs do it better!"

"If you can read this, you're overqualified for the state Legislature!"

"I brake for tunnels"

"PennDOT happens"

"I survived Light Up Night"

"Our mayor still gets carded!"

"Where the heck is KD Country?"

Stocking stuffers

Automatic Parking Lawn Chair Release. In a hurry? Just Drop 'n' Go. Attaches to the back of the car and allows you to drop the chair in place as you leave home, secure in the knowledge that your space will be reserved.

Inclusive creche kit. You'll offend no one with this display that portrays Frosty the Snowman riding shotgun for the Three Wise Men, who arrive at the manger carrying a gold menorah, frankincense and an artificial Christmas tree, and who fortunately brought gift receipts because Mary and Joseph are celebrating Kwanzaa.

Local books

"Surprising Natrona Heights!"

"Kittanning on $10 a Day"

"A Guide to Bed and Breakfasts Along the Green Belt"

"Making Sense of the Pittsburgh Subway System." (Comes with color-coded maps that isolate the different lines and clearly identify local and express stops.)

"The Duquesne Club Jokebook." Live from the Robber Baron Lounge! This brand new edition of the coffee-table classic contains such howlers as, "Take my hedge fund ... please" and "Don't get me started on that whole estate tax thing!"

Holiday TV specials

Check listings for time and channel.

"I'm Dreaming of a Secular Humanist Christmas." A medley of non-religious holiday tunes by the ACLU Chorale.

"A Hispanic-Plant-like Animal Holiday." An inter-ethnic, cross-species celebration of the season with Placido Domingo and SpongeBob SquarePants.

"The Nutcracker." Donald Rumsfeld and the GOP Tabernacle Choir.

"60 Minutes Christmas Special." Is the world's most beloved philanthropist running a sweatshop? Some disenchanted elves say yes. Wait until you hear who they're blowing the whistle on.

"O Unto Us a Child is Born." Alvin and the Chipmunks sing Handel's Messiah.

"Rudolph the Differently-Abled Reindeer." An updated version of the time-honored Christmas tale about a freak reindeer who contemplates getting a nose job so he can fit in, only to realize that his disability is a big advantage at night, except during hunting season.