Daniel Marsula, Post-Gazette Click illustration for larger version.

'Tis the season to be jolly, and we're so jolly, it's not even funny.

Anyway, since we have a few ducats stashed away, we'd like to show you our celebrity gift list.

We know, we know, these folks can afford anything they want. That's the difference, though. We're not getting them what they want.

Our list is all about what these folks absolutely, positively need.

1. Sienna Miller -- Truth serum.

Momma said tell the truth and shame the devil because when you lie, you only shame yourself.

First she called Pittsburgh that other word in a Rolling Stone interview, then she tried to say it was taken out of context.

Really? Is there a nice way to call a town that?

Then there was that whole diva meltdown outside that South Side tavern when she didn't have her ID. She swore on a stack of Bibles and her daddy that it didn't happen.

Then a few weeks later, she apologized for her behavior, explaining that she was tired and cranky from working so hard. If that's the case, go back to the hotel and take a nap!

2. Snoop Dogg -- A brain or a private plane.

How many times do you have to get arrested at the airport with weapons before you realize you can't take them on an airplane? Snakes, yes. Guns, no.

Obviously, all that chronic Snoop has smoked over the years has affected his brain cells. Remember that fried egg/brain on drugs analogy? They didn't make that stuff up!

If we can't get a good deal on brains or a sit-down with the Wizard of Oz, we'll just spring for a private plane for Snoop.

At the rate he's going, he'll be banned from every airline anyway.

3. Kanye West -- Humility.

The self-proclaimed savior of rap needs to be rescued from his ego.

Our idea is to place an abundant supply of humility in a huge box, tie it up with a bow and present it to Kanye during some sort of music awards program.

We won't tell him what it is, just that he's getting it.

That way there will be no need for him to barge on stage and try to take it from someone else.

4. Britney Spears -- A year's supply of underwear.

Running around without panties is just nasty. There's no other way to put it.

You'd think she'd know this, especially since she's now responsible for raising two other human beings. But look how long it took her to kick K-FedEx to the curb. Two years.

Well, the GBB will cover you for 2007, Brit. After that you're on your own.

5. Lindsay Lohan -- A gift certificate for some good old-fashioned home training.

Obviously, somebody fell down on the job with this one!

The certificate is good for one year and includes a no-nonsense momma who will utter the following:

"I don't care how famous you are and how much money you make, you had better listen to me when I talk to you!"

"Don't you roll your eyes at me, either!"

"You know you need to take your behind home and get in the bed. You gotta work tomorrow."

"I don't care what Paris Hilton's doing. If she jumps off a bridge, you gonna jump off, too?"

6. Paris Hilton -- A purpose in life.

Some might say her existence is a waste, but not us. We believe that Ms. Hilton has just not found her bliss.

Sure, it might seem that partying and carousing with all kind of men is what she was meant to do.

However, we'd like to see her dropped in the middle of a Third World country with nary a credit card or stylist.

We believe that seeing people who are more consumed with keeping their children alive than what Nicole Richie is wearing can turn the hotel heiress around.

7. Mel Gibson -- A DVD of "Schindler's List."

We think a trip to the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C., would be in order.

Then, we'll fly to Poland to visit the Auschwitz concentration camp and, finally, have him talk with some Holocaust survivors like our friend Schulamit Bestocky, in Squirrel Hill.

If that doesn't straighten you out Mel, you can't be helped.

8. Michael Richards -- A DVD of "Roots," "The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman," "Malcolm X," "The Untold Story of Emmett Louis Till," "Four Little Girls," "Eyes on the Prize" and HBO's "The Slave Narratives."

After viewing that collection, we'll take him on one of those Freedom Ride bus tours through the South and let him talk to some of those who were involved in the civil rights movement, such as the Rev. Fred Shuttlesworth, Rep. John Lewis of Georgia and our friend, the Rev. Edwin King of Mississippi.

9. Diddy -- Real man lessons.

Know why? Because a real man who claims to love a woman who has already birthed one of his children and who is now carrying twins by him would marry that woman.

Didn't girlfriend Kim Porter have a child with Diddy Daddy and then watch while he and JLo "drove the whole city wild," according to his one song? Then, when Jennifer dropped his butt for a five-minute marriage to Cris Judd, before heading over to Ben Affleck and finally landing with Marc Anthony, who took Diddy back?

Kim.

Yeah, definitely real man lessons for you, Diddy.

10. Clay Aiken -- Some hand sanitizer.

Clay, Clay, Clay! You're from the South. You're supposed to have manners.

Anyway, we know the singer didn't mean any harm.

So the next time you have the chance to cover chatty Kelly Ripa's mouth, use your hand sanitizer first.

11. Rosie O'Donnell -- A hand to cover her mouth.

We don't have a problem with Ms. O'Donnell, except when she gets in other folks' business.

Whatever was going on with Kelly and Clay was between Kelly and Clay. Why did Rosie have to get herself all up in it?

We don't know.

Kelly has every right to tell Clay not to put his hands over her mouth because she doesn't know where his hand has been.

Rosie thought that was a homophobic statement; Kelly said it was about germs.

We don't know what Clay's sexual orientation is, nor do we care, but EVERYBODY has germs.

12. Wesley Snipes -- Good sense and an accountant who follows the tax laws.

Anybody who has at least the sense God gave a goat knows that you can't make all that money and not have to file taxes every year.

Uncle Sam is getting his one way or another.

13. Jennifer Hudson -- A trophy case.

It's for all the awards she should get for her portrayal of Effie in "Dreamgirls," opening Christmas Day.

We know this was supposed to be Beyonce's big acting triumph, but sorry, baby, it's not your time.

Perhaps they could remake "Lady Sings the Blues" for B.

The original got Diana Ross an Oscar nod.

14. Stand-up comedians -- Creativity.

If you can't make people laugh without the N-word, something's wrong.

We're not for banning any language, but we are for people making choices.

So maybe if y'all get a little more creative, you can make folks laugh, like some comics have been doing for eons, without calling folks N's, B's and everything else but a child of God.

15. Whitney Houston, Keith Urban, Pete Doherty and everybody else fighting the demon of substance abuse -- Sobriety.

We wish all our hearts we could make you all clean and sober with no desire whatsoever for drugs and alcohol.

But we're afraid it doesn't work that way.

So we wish you and everybody else peace in the midst of your storms, whatever they may be.

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Correction/Clarification: (Published Dec. 9, 2006, 2006) The former concentration camp known as Auschwitz is located in Poland. This The Good, the Bad and the Beautiful column in Dec. 17, 2006 editions gave an incorrect location.