Stacy Innerst, Post-Gazette Click photo for larger image.

When it comes to entertaining over the holidays, remember the three "R's": Retro, Relaxed, and Realistic.

These three words popped up most often in interviews with entertaining experts all over the country. Whether it's serving homemade macaroni and cheese in tiny ramekin cups, shrugging off your brother-in-law's spilled red wine or deciding not to bust the budget with a lot of decorations you can't afford, it's important to keep these rules in mind.

If you see a glitzy Christmas party display in a store, give yourself a reality check before you open your wallet, suggests Davida Sidrane, editor of "All You," a new Time Inc. publication for women: "Would you really decorate your home like that?" Ms. Sidrane, whose magazine is sold only at Wal-Mart, says it's possible to dress up your house for a party "without spending a lot of money, just by using items you have around the house," or seeking out less extravagant alternatives.

		Party tips Here are some important tips to remember when holiday entertaining this year, culled from experts far and near: Don't overdo it. If you're pressed for time, buy frozen appetizers -- Thai curry shrimp, Japanese gyoza pot stickers or even pigs in a blanket -- from local discount stores or, increasingly, supermarkets rather than forking out big bucks from those glossy mail-order catalogs. Or keep frozen puff pastry on hand for emergencies. Don't spend too much money. Buy red carnations instead of red roses. Go minimal, one to a vase, or mass them by the dozens for maximum impact. Embrace tradition. Ditch the sun-dried tomatoes and opt instead for rack of lamb, veal chops or macaroni and cheese -- homemade, of course. Dare to be different. Try black and gold decor instead of red and green. That last piece of advice, by the way, doesn't come from a Steelers-obsessed Pittsburgher, but, rather, from glamorous New York hostess Carolyne Roehm, who graces the cover of Town & Country's December issue dressed all in gold -- and actually sells black and gold brocade wrapping paper ($23 for three sheets) on her Web site, www.carolyneroehm.com. Ms. Roehm has been known to give rare first-edition Jane Austen books as hostess gifts, but if you don't feel like breaking the bank, you can always spend $5 on a little glass vase or glass box, add water and a carnation, wrap with ribbon and attach a tag with a personal message, says Lisa Benenson, editor of Hallmark Magazine, an online publication (www.hallmark magazine.com) whose Web site features decorative tags you can print out for free. Or, buy soap -- buying it in bulk form, then slicing it, is a cost-effective idea -- and stack it in threes on a pretty soap dish, wrap it in a waffle wash cloth, tie with a ribbon, and add a tag. "Showing up with a beautiful array of flowers is not the best idea," said Ms. Benenson, noting that the hostess will have to rush and find a vase and water while she's busy greeting guests. "You'll just be making more work for her. Instead, make a simple gift that she can place somewhere, in a guest bathroom or a windowsill. And the fact that you made it yourself really shows you care." -- Mackenzie Carpenter

Carnations, for example, "are experiencing a big resurgence," she said. Less expensive than roses, and fragrant, too, they can be used in interesting new ways, whether in a watering can as a vase or, with the help of a glue-gun, covering a plain wooden mirror. "You can buy them at the supermarket, throw away the leaves and baby's breath, and mass them in a galvanized steel bucket."

For those who prefer their carnations in bone china vases rather than buckets, "laid-back" is still the buzzword. Even in the most affluent circles, entertaining is a far cry from the glitzy Reagan-era '80s or the dot.com affluence of the '90s.

"A certain crowd still does the cocktail party scene, but I'm seeing more intimate dinners in people's homes," says Tim Condron, a floral and event designer based in Shadyside. Gone are elaborate, effusive multicolored bouquets, replaced by lots of contemporary, monochromatic color schemes and flowers.

"People want romance and candlelight," he said.

Town and Country Magazine editor Pamela Fiori saw how much times have changed when she went to a dinner party a few weeks ago, an annual event among her friends, and her husband brought along a DVD of the same occasion from 1990.

"When we watched it, we laughed at all the formality," she said, noting that there was a full staff in the kitchen that almost equaled the number of guests.

"This year, there were no staff, we all pitched in to cook, serve and clear the table, and the family dog was very much in evidence as each course came to the table. We looked more at ease and older, too, dressed in a much looser fashion, and the entire evening had more of a family feeling, with no pretenses."

This is not to say that entertaining is easy. While it's important not to exhaust yourself, entertaining does "require some effort, planning and a great deal of attention to detail," says Ms. Fiori, who just published a guide to party planning and entertaining, "Handbook for Hosts: A Practical Guide to Party Planning and Gracious Entertaining."

Still, "formal entertaining, with dutiful staff, family silver and all the stuffiness that goes with it is on the wane," she said. "Those kinds of events are intimidating and inhibiting. These days people prefer a more relaxed atmosphere and unfussy food."

And formal dining rooms continue to lose popularity as the primary gathering spot.

"If the kitchen is large enough, that's where guests will invariably gather, unless it is a catered affair, which then makes it off limits. At most of the dinner parties I go to, the kitchen is in plain sight of the dining area. Nothing is hidden, and that's the fun of it."

Indeed, simplicity is back when it comes to food -- but with a twist.

"People love rack of lamb or veal chops, still on the bone, that you can eat in one bite," says Susie Flannery, events coordinator with The Fluted Mushroom, a local caterer.

Other chic "retro" dishes include grilled cheese or cheeseburgers -- but in tiny bites, added Lee Deiseroth, The Fluted Mushroom's owner. "People love anything that's cutesy," he said. "We'll serve miniature pot pies in chicken or lobster, or mac and cheese in a small ramekin."

Small plates are another trend, especially "tasting plates," with four or five appetizers already plated up and handed out to guests, whether charcuteries with three different kinds of pate, antipasti or other delicacies. "People love a choice. Plus they're easy to eat and you can sit and say, 'Wow, I really love the salmon tartare' and then go back for more."

Dan Grant, co-owner with his wife Gaynor of Sweetwater Cooking Studio on the South Side, says that one increasingly popular -- if pricey -- trend is to have a chef come to a private home and show the guests how to prepare a gourmet meal themselves.

		Green entertaining For the environmentally conscious, there are all kinds of ways to "go green" while entertaining. Some are obvious: cloth napkins rather than paper, china plates rather than styrofoam, as well as clearly marked recycling bins for that empty bottle of Sam Adams. But there are other surprising ways to eco-entertain: cut up old greeting cards to use as gift tags or placecards. Use holiday lights made with LED (light emitting diode) technology, which use far less energy than standard lights. For hostess gifts, consider "fair trade" organic chocolates or coffee, produced under humane conditions where workers are paid fair wages. Or scoot over to Equita, a new "fair trade and green lifestyle" store just opened in the historic Ice House Factory, 100 43rd St., in Lawrenceville, and buy some recycled wine glasses made by the Riverside Design Group at a factory in McKeesport. Be sure to fill those glasses with organically produced wine, a small but growing segment of the market. They can be found under the Bonterra and Frey label in Pennsylvania's state liquor stores.

Or, the guests will come to Mr. Grant's studio to construct gingerbread houses or a "Buche de Noel," a chocolate cake in the shape of a log that is a Christmas staple in French cooking.

"There's also been a big surge of interest in wild game cooking," said Mr. Grant. "We get a lot of hunters with all this venison and other game and no one knows how to prepare it."

He works with Pittsburgh hunting expert Joe Rossi to teach clients how to cook gourmet meals with their freshly bagged game.

Linda Wernikoff, owner of Crate, a cooking school and cookware store in Scott, says she's noticed that fondue pots, which enjoyed a renaissance nationally a few years ago, have at last caught on in Pittsburgh.

"We seem to be selling a lot more," she said. "Maybe it's nostalgia, but I think it's about being slower-paced, sitting around a table together, and it doesn't take a lot of time to prepare."

At one recent fondue party, meat -- a good, tender filet of beef -- was the main course, dipped in oil with a choice of condiments, from horseradish with sour cream to chutney.

Another retro-trend: "progressive" dinner parties, where neighbors get together at one house for appetizers, a second for the main course, and a third for dessert. Church groups have done this for years, but Ms. Wernikoff says she wishes they were more widespread. Her daughter-in-law, Betsy Katten, said her husband and children participated in one last New Year's Eve in their suburban Chicago neighborhood.

"It was fun, easy and economical," she said. "Of course the disadvantage is having to go out repeatedly on a cold Chicago evening, but it wasn't very far between houses. The progressive dinner spread out the cost, mess, and work for the evening, so one family doesn't have all the work."

Then again, why not skip the holiday grind altogether?

"A lot of people are deferring their parties to January or February because so many people are having parties," said Ms. Wernikoff, laughing.

Or if you really want to wait, save your money for the kind of party that Sweetwater Cooking Studio's Dan and Gaynor Grant were hired to oversee last Valentine's Day.

"A group of doctors had us come over to a house in Sewickley with the idea of doing a 'couples night' dinner," he said, where the chef teaches the host and his or her guests to cook a fabulous meal with full, hands-on participation.

"Except that rather than having the men and women cook together, the doctors hired a masseuse and a pedicurist for their wives, who spent the early part of the evening getting massages and pedicures in the next room while the men prepared the three-course gourmet dinner."

"It's a great idea, but I don't see that kind of thing catching on as a big trend," he laughed.