What would the holidays be without the merry whirl of parties? The creamy, syrupy cocktails, the waistband-straining hors d'oeuvres, the electricity in the air -- and in your hair -- as you get in the car with your good heavy coat, the crunch of a high-heeled pump sinking into the snow up to your ankle. Too much perfume, too much eggnog, and the forced familiar gaiety of the office party. It comes but once a year! And that seems sufficient.

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But it's not enough just to go to parties. You have to HAVE parties. And that requires planning, at least for most of us. I knew a guy whose idea of party planning was stopping at the supermarket two hours before doorbell time and throwing random meats, pretzels, soda and frozen desserts in the car, maybe picking up an extra 12-pack of beer. This is not nearly obsessive and stressful enough.

You're allowed to be relaxed at your own party only if you have spent the previous two to three weeks making lists, shopping, cleaning, attending mixology school, cooking, burning perfect festive music CDs and painstakingly removing candle wax left in the tablecloth from last year with your teeth.

Or you can just follow my holiday entertaining tips below. I've noticed that there are a lot of women swanning around calling themselves things like "lifestyle maven" or "fabulousness guru" or whatever, and it's a job that seems to pay much better than what I'm doing now. How hard can it be?

Pick a theme. As you remember from your 7th birthday party, a theme that permeates every shred of everything makes party planning MUCH less stressful, because everything has to match. Also, there is nothing your guests will enjoy more than an invitation written on a coconut, yoga mat or live insect, instructing them to prepare for a journey into self-discovery. And to wear a funny hat.

Plan the menu. Don't just make a beer run like some frat boy. Make a beer run like a pro! Do it more than 20 minutes before guests are on your porch. Also, choose some food that can be made ahead, some food that will have to be assembled when you're freaking out and trying to get dressed, and some that can be delivered after you've set the kitchen on fire.

If you are cooking large quantities of a particular dish in advance, you can freeze several batches of it. That way, after you've had three or four glasses of wine, you can pull it out of the freezer and serve it to your guests without remembering to thaw it.

Be creative with garnishes. Don't buy a lot of silly doodads and gourmet flourishes you'll never use again; work with what you have. Dust plate edges with wasabi powder or baking soda. Cap'N Crunch makes an unexpected garnish on fish dishes.

Put some thought into presentation. On a piece of gridded paper, draw a schematic diagram of your furniture with the measurements of traffic lanes and arrows to indicate flow between hors d'oeuvres staging areas, the bar zone, seating and restrooms. Enlist your family to role-play drunken trip-prone guests and confrontational overindulging relatives. Children will love the improv, and what you learn could prevent a lawsuit. It could also prevent the party entirely.

If your space is awkward, consider hiring servers. Surly tattooed students will add a touch of class and intimidate the elderly. They may also insist on selecting the music, so have an assortment of pastries and nonalcoholic beverages handy for on-duty police officers when they arrive.

Tidy up and decorate: Clear clutter from entry ways and traffic areas, and lock up medications, lingerie, porn (especially the homemade variety!), yearbooks and firearms. Lots of extra occasional tables will provide places to lose plates and drinks, not to mention bruises for shins.

Check the bathroom for ample supplies of tiny nonabsorbent appliqued towels, tiny novelty soaps and huge quantities of toilet paper and tissues. Light a candle on the toilet tank and have matches handy. Why? You know why. Remove pantyhose from shower rail.

Clear all the pillows and stuffed animals off one of the beds to make room for the coat pile. Coatroom attendant can be an enjoyable job for one of your kids, provided he or she is precocious or adorable enough to make good tips.

Delegate, delegate, delegate! Don't try to be Martha Stewart without staff. Call guests the morning of the soiree and give them specific instructions about what to bring, where to buy it and how much they should spend. This takes the pressure off you, so you can enjoy the party. Rip open that 12-pack! Just pick off the candle wax.