It doesn't cost to look

We've all been there -- on an airplane at loose ends, trying to keep occupied while fending off the chatty seat-mate with the gifted grandkids. So, you reach into the seat pocket, maybe first dredge for spare change, certificates of deposit or other valuables. Then, as your hand surfaces, there it is, beckoning. Is it an in-flight mag? A throw-up bag? . . . It's SkyMall!

Ode to SkyMall

From the AP
• Man Buys Smoker, Finds Human Leg Inside • Coach Stops Runaway Horse by Biting Ear • Man Allegedly Tries to Use 'Blurry' $100 • Police Break Up Brawl at Chuck E. Cheese • Suggestive Card Ruffles Farmer's Feathers • Nerds to Auction Themselves to Women • Toilet to Tap? San Jose Probes Plan • Seattle to Allow Pygmy Goats As Pets • Yankees Rookies Dress Up in Oz Costumes

SkyMall addresses consumer needs you never knew you had. Here's Joel Achenbach, washingonpost.com columnist: "There is no more purely American publication than SkyMall, the catalogue that lets people do what God intended them to do when 35,000 feet above the Earth -- shop. It runs 196 ultra-thin pages, with tiny type, the better to cram in thousands of affluent-lifestyle objects that every sensible person should own, like a remote-control mechanical shark ($99.95) -- perfect for anyone hoping to scare the bejabbers out of a rubber duck. Or a pet stroller -- $119.95 -- ideal for transporting dogs and cats that do not have legs. Ordering from SkyMall is an act of optimism. The traveler thinks: I will survive this flight and own a new 1,000-CD multimedia storage tower!"

Christine Kenneally, on Salon.com, called SkyMall "the dream come true of all mad retailers and direct-sales henchmen everywhere -- the 'Clockwork Orange' of gifting." That was in 1999 when you could get an indoor/outdoor miniature golf course for only $18,999.95, almost the price of a seat in first class now.

And now . . . SkyMaul

More must-have items: the iPod Shredder, the Temper-Pedic Casket, the Crack Pipe Chess Set, The Da Vinci Code Decoder Ring (Answer: Mary Magdalene was a man), the Buddhist Racing Sandals.

At this point, I must state the obvious: Reality is so hard to parody these days. So although perfectly believable, these items are from not SkyMall but SkyMaul, a spoof available at book stores any day now.

Other products from SkyMaul:

The Adultery Detector ($49.99). "Has your husband been cheating on you? Our steam-powered adultery detector has a nozzle that blows detective-strength steam into a jacket pants or shirt and them sucks the evidence back into a Cheater Sak."

A $12 Hybrid magnet. "This authentic-looking badge sticks to the back of your Ferrari, SUV or Winnebago to make you look like a real friend of the Earth."

Hummer 6 Post-Rapture edition. (Picture of broken down old bike.)

A Forehead-Mounted DVD Player that "will get and hold your kids' attention."

A Japanese Thank-You Toilet. "The bigger the deposit, the louder the voice. What a perfect way to end a dinner party! Celebrity voice cartridge (please specify James Earl Jones or Reese Witherspoon.)"

SkyMaul endorsements

"The D.U.I. Mask really works!"

--David Foster Wallace

"The fact that the catalog is available means that the terrorists have not won!"

--Fred Willard

"Not since the days of the actual feral child named Kasper Hauser has humor writing been so nimble, hungry, wiry and covered with a fine, catlike fur."

--John Hodgman, contributor to "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart"

Kasper Hauser?

Kasper Hauser is the name of the sketch comedy troupe that created SkyMaul. The name first belonged to a famous feral child, a curiosity and a bit of a celebrity in 19th century Europe. (Check out his story on FeralChildren.com. Seriously.)

Kasper Hauser (spelled variously) was discovered in 1828, walking in Nuremberg, Germany, unsteady and oddly dressed. Although 16, he behaved like a child. When he did learn to talk, he said he had been kept in a small cell and given food and water sparingly while he slept.

Mystery surrounded his origins -- there were claims that he was the heir to the house of Baden. In 1833 the mystery deepened when he was assassinated. But in his five years in civilization, Kasper learned a lot, and, unlike other feral children, was able to talk, read and write.

In 1861, the Atlantic Monthly wrote:

"The very extraordinary advent, life, and death of Kasper Hauser, the novelty and singularity of all his thoughts and actions, and his charming innocence and amiability, interested all Europe. He became not only a universal pet, but a sight to which people flocked from all parts to see. It became a perfect fever, raging throughout Germany and extending also to other countries." Some of his feats:

Once, somebody read him 45 names of people he didn't know. He then repeated them back with all their titles.

His night vision was extraordinary; sunlight was very painful to him. On one occasion, in the evening, he read the name on a door-plate 180 paces away.

Next up at SkyMall: a Kasper Hauser Combination Night Vision/Memory Aid.