An open letter to Allegheny County's Office of Children, Youth and Families.

Subject: Questionable child labor practices by an exceptionally smug Republican U.S. senator from Pennsylvania.

Dear CYF,

Though technically your office has no jurisdiction over Pennsylvania senators firmly ensconced in the suburban isolation of Virginia, we know that lack of standing (not to mention moral authority) has never prevented the canny bureaucrats of CYF from investigating an "evildoer" before.

Unlike the usual crop of snitches, busybodies and crazy people whose word you typically take as gospel, my philosophy of parenting is more along the lines of "live and let live."

Something truly evil has to happen before I pick up the phone to drop a dime on another negligent parent, because, let's face it, CYF's involvement is often worse than the disease.

Yeah, perhaps I was remiss in not contacting you about the time I saw a mother clubbing her adolescent boy in the dairy aisle of Giant Eagle with several cans of frozen biscuit mix.

Never let it be said that I habitually ignore the dictates of conscience. That pitiful scene at Giant Eagle burned such a hole in my soul that I resolved to report the very next assault upon the innocence of youth I stumbled upon.

That's why the television ads featuring the children of Sen. Rick Santorum testifying to his paternal greatness prompted me to contact CYF. The sight of those poor devils conscripted into their father's doomed re-election campaign moved me to tears.

The ad opens with Johnny "Damian" Santorum telling a big lie: "My dad's opponents have criticized him for moving us to Washington so we could be with him more."

Johnny's disingenuous characterization is followed by Daniel "The Hammer" Santorum's glib summary of the Penn Hills cyber school kerfuffle: "And they criticized us for attending a Pennsylvania public school over the Internet."

Oh, out of the mouths of babes came two big lies. Never mind that the criticism Johnny alluded to wasn't about Mr. Santorum's "family values," but his willingness to saddle the taxpayers of Pennsylvania with the cost of educating his kids when they now live in Virginia.

Elizabeth "Gingham Dress" Santorum chimes in with a complete non-sequitur:

"And he votes in Washington almost 40 weeks some years. And when he's not voting ..." Peter "Mad Lisp" Santorum finishes his big sister's sentence: "... Dad's traveling all across Pennsylvania, 67 counties." Patrick "The Lego King" Santorum shrieks "that's a lot," though it sounds like he said "that's a lie."

Johnny Santorum, accompanied by the same devil red German Shepherd that unsuccessfully tried out for a part in "The Omen" remake, attempts a little guilt manipulation:

"Our dad works hard for the people of Pennsylvania, but one thing he's made very clear to us ..."

"Being our dad is his most important job he'll ever have," adds Sarah Maria "Boss Lady" Santorum, her arms folded in defiance of her dad's worsening political fortunes.

It's a remarkable performance for allegedly "apolitical" children who, in all likelihood, were probably coerced with threats of withheld porridge and other necessities, just like in a Dickens novel.

Still, the question remains given the level of taunting his children would be exposed to: What possessed Mr. Santorum to drag six of his 15 kids into the already heated Senate battle with Bob Casey Jr.?

Does Mr. Santorum have any concept of how much shame his kids will feel once they're exposed to people and opinions outside the Santorum compound?

And where are the other members of the senator's tiresome brood, especially Beauregard Santorum, Little Festus, Ishmael Lee and Baby Lucretia? Will they appear in commercials as Election Day draws near and the attack ads take an even darker tone?

For the sake of the kids already damaged flacking for their father and the kids yet to be exploited waiting in the wings, I call upon you, the heavy-handed social workers of CYF to do your duty.

There must be a way to calculate how many child-labor laws were violated by Mr. Santorum's cynical use of his under-aged children.

Just the other day, Mr. Santorum was stumping for black votes in the Manchester section of the North Side. The New Pittsburgh Courier published a picture on its front page of him mugging for the camera with a cute little black child in his arms.

Dear Lord, this shameless exploitation must stop. As a letter published in today's PG artfully states: "Let's do Sen. Santorum and his family a favor and allow him to spend more time at home with the family, maybe as a full-time dad."