Fewer than three weeks now separate us from Major League Baseball's full corporate industrial blitz, the high volume whirl of activities, festivities and proclivities designed to stretch the All-Star Game from nine lazy innings into five crazy days.

The game itself won't start until Fox feels like it, or about 15 minutes after Carrie Underwood wraps up a countrified national anthem July 11. But, everything else begins July 7 with the opening of All-Star FanFest at the David L. Lawrence Convention Center and the first of the Mascot Social Cruises.

If your idea of a killer midsummer party is ice cream on the Gateway Clipper with Mr. Met, well, that's your issue, but at least you can dazzle the kids with your contemporary baseball acumen by pointing out that Mr. Met is the only remaining entity in baseball with a head larger than Barry Bonds'.

Baseball officials were in town this week for the formal announcements and descriptions of just what is available at All-Star FanFest and at ceremonies and events throughout the city those five days in July, with the big story the extreme bigness of FanFest itself, which is way, way bigger than it was in 1994, the previous time Pittsburgh was the host for this event.

In fact, you could say (although they certainly didn't) that this FanFest is kind of like the 1994 FanFest on steroids.

In addition to its acres and acres of historical memorabilia, FanFest again provides more than 40 interactive activities for fans of all ages, who can pitch, hit, become a play-by-play announcer, get put on the 60-day disabled list for getting shampoo in your eyes, and more.

Much, much, more, as the following unannounced exhibits might suggest.

Looking to maximize your game and get an edge on your opponents?

Visit the Take Illegal Drugs Right Under Bud Selig's Nose Zone.

That's right, the commissioner mans this booth beginning Friday morning, so stop on by with your Human Growth Hormone, amphetamines, steroids and whatever other performance enhancers you're packing and see if you can work that syringe while Bud pretends to be crafting letters to fans about how concerned he is that folks are trying to get over on him.

Special weekend guests: Jason Grimsley, Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmeiro. Tentative.

Looking for a big-league rush just like the players?

Visit the Ride Home With Esteban exhibit.

He won't be an All-Star, but former Pirates pitcher Esteban Loaiza will show you what's quicker than a big-league fastball -- his Ferrari, recently clocked at better than 120 mph at 3:30 a.m. by police in Arizona, the night before he pitched. Line forms: 3:10 a.m. Bring a helmet.

Special weekend guest: Ben Roethlisberger. Tentative.

Wondering what goes on in a big-league bullpen?

Visit the John Wetteland Blasting Area. Wetteland had 330 career saves for the Dodgers, Expos, Yankees, and Rangers, and was recently dismissed as the bullpen coach for the Washington Nationals because, according to manager Frank Robinson, he wouldn't stop lighting firecrackers.

Special guest: Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown. Very tentative.

Longing to experience the heart-pounding adrenaline of a play at the plate? We've got two interactive exhibits for you.

The Steal Home Challenge, manned by former future Bucco recluse Jeff King, back in Pittsburgh to celebrate July 11, the 10th anniversary of the last straight steal of home (exclusive of a double steal) by a Pirate. King was the runner.

And ...

The Slide Into Michael Barrett Zone, in which fans experience firsthand the sometimes volatile relationship between catcher and runner, as when the Cubs' catcher got up from a close play at the plate and simply punched A.J. Pierzynski in the head.

Special weekend instructor on how to avoid this situation: Pete Rose. Unbelievably tentative.

Wondering what it's like to actually spend an evening in one of those ridiculous mascot outfits?

Stop by Brewers' Wiener World for an actual reality tour of a simulated Miller Park dressing room complete with costume fitting by a consultant to the Brewers' various racing sausages. Former Bucco Randall Simon reprises his role as America's foremost wiener wacker, still the Pirates organization's only brush with sustained national publicity in the past three years.

Note: Leave immediately if you hear Randall humming the Pirates' between-innings hit, "It's time to shoot some hot dogs."