"The DaVinci Code" debate has become one of those issues that columnists are almost required to comment on. As for me, I haven't seen the movie. I didn't read the book. Therefore, I am free of all bias and highly qualified to expound on everything DaVinci, including code, helicopters and what the Mona Lisa may be sitting on.

I am not Catholic, and I don't much care what Opus Dei is up to or whether Jesus may have received a new pair of sandals on Father's Day. So I had to think long and hard before I could finally come up with something to be offended about.

Fortunately, one of my friends helped me out by saying, "Hey, isn't Tom Hanks getting a little long in the tooth to get paired up in this flick with Whatsername? Tattoo?"

"Herve Villechaize?"

"No --"

"Audrey Tautou? From 'Amelie'?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"And their characters are a couple?"

"Yeah!"

Not having read the book, I don't know -- maybe that's the way the characters are written. But having Hanks, 50 next month, romantically paired with Tautou, 12, is somehow a little annoying.

(OK, she's not really 12. She's 29. She only looks 12.)

Now, I am deeply in love with Tom Hanks. That goes without saying. And in an interview I saw on TV, when he was asked what he'd like to be if he weren't a famous, smart, talented and adorable actor, he said, "a weekly columnist," which is an amazing coincidence considering that if I weren't a columnist, I would like to be Tom Hanks, or just get invited to the same parties.

(Mr. Hanks? If you'd like to fill in for me while I'm on vacation, we might be able to arrange that. But there is no catering.)

Hollywood seems extremely comfortable casting older -- well, in some cases, let's face it: old -- guys opposite very young actresses. The movie "Entrapment" is another example. I'm not saying that kind of relationship never happens in real life; I'm just saying that if you are nearly 70, it's probably not realistic to expect that you can date women who look like Catherine Zeta-Jones unless you look, or at least get paid, like Sean Connery.

Ditto for Clint Eastwood and Robert Redford, who shouldn't be having a love scene with anyone ineligible for an AARP card. Not if there's film in the camera.

Where are the movies where the old babe gets the young guy? Romances starring Faye Dunaway and Zach Braff? Catherine Deneuve and Tobey Maguire? Meryl Streep and that Harry Potter kid?

If we have to watch old coots cradle-rob, then we should also have to watch a cavalcade of Mrs. Robinsons.

Because, you know, in Hollywood, there are a lot of older women dating and marrying younger men. Way younger men. Of course, the same guidelines apply; you have a much better chance of snagging a guy who looks like Ashton Kutcher if, like Demi Moore, you look good enough to pose nude when you're about 14 months pregnant for the cover of any magazine that isn't Edema Digest.

I've heard that something close to a third of women ages 40-69 are dating men 10 or more years younger. And an AARP poll from a few years ago found that 1/6 of women in their 50s prefer men in their 40s. I'm pretty sure 5/6 of women in their 70s prefer men in their 40s. The other 1/6 prefer pie.

Why not? Hey, there are things about an older partner that should appeal to a young person, regardless of who hogs the remote. Some young people realize that "maturity," "responsibility" and "respect" aren't just dorky words your parents drop on prom night while you're piercing your thumb with a corsage pin.

Not that mere age is a guarantee of any of those qualities. Growing old may be mandatory, but growing up is optional. Growing hair in unfortunate places is likely but treatable.

As are many of the physical declines of aging. Meanwhile, with the rise in youth obesity, kids may not be much hotter than their parents. We're in a situation now as a culture where trim 50-year-old gym rats with lipo and Botox can easily outshine the prematurely sagging young paupers who moved back in with them after college.

Still, there are bigger and deeper issues in the world of love than physical attraction, such as whether a couple more than a decade or so apart will be able to stand each other's music.

If you are over 40 and dating a recent college grad, and he or she expresses admiration for Audrey Tautou, do yourself a favor: Suppress the impulse to point in the air and bleat, "De plen! De plen!"