You decide to be safe and sane and spend this New Year's Eve on a nice cruise ship. They provide the hats and streamers, you can drink all you want, the designated driver is a nice crisp captain. No need to worry about road rage. Just rogue waves. They're fast, they're sneaky and they're mean. If one of them hits your luxury liner, the party's over.

In the new "Poseidon," shortly after flames fan the elegant ballroom, panic sets in. 'Poseidon' Rating: PG-13 for intense violence and frightening images. Starring: Josh Lucas, Kurt Russell, Richard Dreyfuss, Jacinda Barrett. Director: Wolfgang Petersen. Old 'Poseidon' director feared critical dunking Post-Gazette Family Film Guide review of 'Poseidon' 'Poseidon' Web site

There's a disaster going down -- actually, upside down -- in "Poseidon," Warner Bros.' remake of Paul Gallico's tale of horror on the high seas. The original 1972 version, highlighted by the colossal overacting of Shelley Winters, Ernest Borgnine and Gene Hackman, has always been one of my favorite pieces of film kitsch. Why it had to be remade, I'm not sure.

Well, yes, I am. It's called special F/X, and director Wolfgang Petersen has put them to spectacular use here. But don't be late for this picture, because the Big Bang theory-and-practice happens early on.

The elegant ballroom is full. Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas croons out the old and croons in the new year. Little time is wasted taking care of Updecks/Downdecks business and introducing us to the stock characters: suave gambler Josh Lucas; former New York mayor Kurt Russell and his daughter, Emmy Rossum, and her boyfriend, Mike Vogel; single mom Jacinda Barrett and her 8-year-old kid, Jimmy Bennett; suicidal Richard Dreyfuss; waiter Freddy Rodriguez; and stowaway Mia Maestro. I think you can do the romantic pairings yourself.

Just about everybody else is eliminated right off the rogue's bat. When the wave hits, the ship capsizes but, instead of sinking, floats bottom up. Folks are crushed and electrocuted. Led by the resourceful Lucas, our small band of survivors must fight for their lives by climbing up -- which is to say, down -- the 20 decks of air pockets that are being inundated one by one.

Meanwhile, they've got personal issues to interfere with their survival issues, of course. Claustrophobia, acrophobia, hydrophobia .... Will that crucifix work as a screw driver to get little Jimmy out from behind that vent? Who will live and who will die of these 10 or so little Indians?

Disaster movie character sets are like space shuttle crews. You're supposed to have one of every major type and ethnic balance. This one's pretty white and heavy on macho. Athletic Lucas is a capable drill sergeant-hero, cheerleading his charges through their obstacle course, diving through flames with a 100-yard-long fire hose and single-handedly battling the ship's propeller. Russell is a solid and empathetic presence, and Mopey Dick Dreyfuss is always fun to watch.

Screenwriter Mark Protosevich's dialogue is no better than that of the original "Poseidon" adventure, nor are the logic or logistics very clear. Seems rogue-wave assaults are on the increase, and nobody's doing anything about it. OK. A little science lesson might have been nice here.

Oh, well. We're here to savor the mayhem (especially the excellent wave sequence itself) and the macabre upside-down set. The suspense is almost gratuitous. I miss Shelley's hysterical screaming, but this topsy-turvy Titanic is good clean paranoid fun.