Santorum gets mobbed

Those of you who saw Sunday night's episode of "The Sopranos" know that Pennsylvania's junior senator got an approving nod from Mob boss Tony Soprano. One of his soldiers is found to be gay, and Tony (James Gandolfini) tells his shrink that when it comes to homosexuality, he agrees with "that Sen. Sanatorium, who says if we let this stuff go too far, pretty soon we'll be ****ing dogs." Tony pretty much had Sen. Santorum/Sanatorium's position down, although the senator used more delicate language. Dan Gross of the Philadelphia Daily News called Santorum to ask if he was flattered about being mentioned on the HBO hit series. "We're not gonna dignify that comment by commenting on it," said communications director Rob Traynham.

Please don't eat the pizzini

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Note to Tony Soprano: While we applaud your knowledge of current events and strong moral compass, you might want to brush up on your computer skills. Yes, it took authorities 40 years to nab Bernardo Provenzano, boss of bosses in the Sicilian Mafia, but if hadn't dropped out of school at age 8 or if he had at least stayed long enough to take a decent cryptography course, he might still be earning a living as a gangster. Known as "The Tractor" for mowing down people in his youth, the 73-year-old mobster spent much of his time on the run communicating through coded messages on slips of paper, known in Sicilian dialect as "pizzini." Problem was, the code was a tad dated, a variation on an encryption scheme used by Julius "Julie Walnuts" Caesar, who got whacked on the Ides of March.

Once Italian police broke the code in 2002, a trail of pizzini led eventually to Provenzano. "Looks like kindergarten cryptography to me," security guru Bruce Schneier told the Discovery Channel News. "But what do you expect from someone who is computer illiterate?" Indeed, Provenzano's rule was decidedly low-tech. Top Mafia business was conducted on an obsolete Olivetti typewriter. Pizzini were delivered by messengers. Still, they didn't have to put up with spam.

'Buddy' wouldn't work

Where do mobsters get their nicknames? If they're lucky, they get one from Woody Allen, who gave us the menacing Albert "the Logical Positivist" Corillo. Real Mafiosi have to rely on family members, childhood friends, "business associates," reporters or the police, Daniel Engber wrote on Slate.com last year. Chicago mob boss "Joey the Clown" Lombardo earned his nickname from the press for his zany behavior and lame jokes. At the end of a trial, Lombardo cunningly tried to hide from photographers by converting a newspaper into a makeshift mask with eye-holes. At another trial, The Clown told reporters that a piece of his jewelry was made from "canarly stone:" "You 'canarly' see it," he said. Joey always was a kidder -- in between killing people. Apparently, it's a big year for nailing mobsters on the lam. Lombardo, 77, charged last year in 18 murders, was tracked down in January after eluding police (did he still have that newspaper mask?) for nine months.

On the other end of the spectrum, the late John Gotti took pride in having no nickname among his peers -- everyone knew who you meant if you said "John." The tabloids dubbed him the "Dapper Don," the "Teflon Don," and, following his conviction, the "Velcro Don." Likewise, Tony Soprano has no nickname, except the prosaic "T," "Tone," or "The Skipper."

Morning 'The Mannequin' File

Have you wondered what your Mob nickname would be? Go to pages.prodigy.net/mlemus/mobnamegenerator.htm, punch in your name and find out. Don't expect consistency. We found you can get different answers for the same name at different times, so we must warn you that this is not scientific but for entertainment purposes only. Here's what we got when we put in some familiar names: Bob "The Clam" O'Connor, Cyril "Fancy Pants" Wecht, Brian "The Ice Pick" O'Neill, George "Junior Mint" Bush, Tony "The Vampire" Soprano, Rick "The Sicilian" Santorum, Peter "Twenty Eyes" Leo.

Oh, it's 'blue moon,' not 'boom, boom'

In case you can't make out the lyrics, here's the start of "The Sopranos" theme song -- "Woke Up This Morning" by A3 -- played in the intro as Tony makes his upwardly mobile trip through New Jersey:

You woke up this morning
Got yourself a gun,
Mama always said you'd be
The Chosen One.
She said: You're one in a million
You've got to burn to shine,
But you were born under a bad sign,
With a blue moon in your eyes.
You woke up this morning
All the love has gone,
Your Papa never told you
About right and wrong.

Terrorist travel advisory

My son and I woke up Sunday morning and drove a rented truck to New York City to move his worldly goods into an apartment there. As we made it to the Holland Tunnel, after traveling the Tony Soprano portion of the Jersey Turnpike with a blue moon in our eyes, the woman in the toll booth informed us that, since 9/11, trucks were not allowed in the tunnel; we'd have to use the Lincoln Tunnel, she said. So if you are a terrorist trying to get into New York from Jersey, be advised that you're going to have to use the Lincoln Tunnel.