Extra! Men like marriage

	James Hilston, Post-Gazette Click illustration for larger image.

The Morning File has already filed a complaint with the U.N. over TV's portrayal of men as women-plagued idiots who care only about sports, beer and sex, with no hint of our sensitive, thoughtful side. So we are pleased that journalist Neil Chethik has addressed this stereotype. He did extensive research on what's rattling around in men's minds and hearts and turned it into a book, "VoiceMale: What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework, and Commitment" (Simon & Schuster). Some gleanings from an interview with the San Antonio Express-News:

Most surprising discovery: how much men like being married. They were aware of the trade-offs, liked the commitment and wanted to stay married, Mr. Chethik said. More than 90 percent would marry the same woman again.

The difference between happily married men and those who aren't: The element of friendship. When men feel they have a friend, someone who will be on their side, they are solid in their marriages. When they feel their wives are critical, that marriage is likely in trouble.

What men want: 80 percent want a marriage where no one is in charge and the relationship is equal. "Marriages are very different from 50 years ago," Mr. Chethik said, "because we're negotiating every aspect of the relationship -- who's going to do the housework and how much, who's going to be with the children and how much, who's going to bring in income."

The other shoe falls

Now that we've dispensed with that insidious stereotype, have you noticed how women never have enough shoes? Liz Perle has. Her new book, "Money, A Memoir: Women, Emotions and Cash" (Holt), analyzes why women "spend more on face creams and shoes than we do on our retirement funds." M. P. Dunleavey, a personal finance columnist, has no quarrel with Ms. Perle's thesis, but, she asks: Guys don't have money problems?

"The shoe thing is wearing a little thin," Ms. Dunleavey wrote in The New York Times. "The ability of men to waste wads of cash on gadgets, cars, power tools and basketball tickets is well established, yet somehow women are tagged as particularly pathetic about money matters."

So why does the perception persist that men are more rational when it comes to money? Male camouflage, says Ms. Dunleavey. Women may spend for emotional reasons, but "men have developed a vocabulary of terms like 'collecting' (as in wine), 'upgrades' (anything electronic) 'restoration' (cars, houses) and 'extreme sports.' "

Key to wedded bliss

And now, we present an upgrade on the secret to a long, successful marriage. It comes from New Yorker Robert Fass, who photographed and interviewed 37 couples married for at least 40 years, a project he hopes to turn into a book called, "As Long As We Both Shall Live: Long-Married Couples in America." Fass turned up this nugget of wisdom, as reported by Wireless Flash News: The three words that save a marriage are not "I love you," but "Maybe you're right." longmarriedcouples.com.

Can't hurry love

A six-month study of British couples who met through online dating services has concluded that it's not "Love at first sight" as much as "Love at first year," especially for men, the Scottish Daily Record reports. Those who experienced true love -- defined as a perfect balance of passion, intimacy and commitment -- had been together the longest. The research was commissioned by Match.com, the world's largest online dating agency, and its sister site, uDate.co.uk. A University of Bath psychologist who led the study said it's imperative to understand the factors in successful relationships formed in this way, since Internet dating sites, increasingly popular, have lost much of the stigma that once put people off.

Theguyisapig.com

Well, maybe not all of the stigma. The rise of Internet dating naturally has produced the rise of Internet anti-dating -- Web sites for women burned by smooth-talking cads. Dontdatehimgirl.com is getting 580,000 hits a day since its launch four months ago by Miami founder Tascha Joseph. On this and its sister site, manhater.com, women can post messages and photos of former boyfriends and husbands, warning the world of their poor behavior. Nothing is held back -- addresses, sexual performance and criminal records, often with photo.

A counter site called classaction dontdatehimgirl.com has been launched. But Ms. Joseph says the class action site has not produced legal action. She told The Sunday Tribune of Ireland that her site offers men a chance to tell their side of the story. More than 1,000 men from all over the world are named on the site. In the interest of fairness, Ms. Joseph hopes to set up dontdateherman.com for the boys to vent their rage against women.

Chaucer hath an advice blog

Instead of exposing their tawdry lives for all to see, vexed lovers can check with Geoffrey Chaucer, the late, great granddaddy of English literature, at houseoffame.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog. Here's a recent question from a scorned woman:

"My betrothed, a most wicked man, betrayed me. His woman of choice committed that villainy which women do best, and tempted him away. Presently it is not legal, where I live, to have either of them killed for this treachery. What shall I do to avenge the wrong they both have done to me, and to my virtue? Their joy at my grief does pain me so. Cor Fracta Est"

GC: "Thoughe y love a goode revenge tragedie as much as the nexte guye, y muste counsel yow to a bettre path. For vengence aperteneth and longeth al oonly to juges. Remembre that ther are tymes ordained unto al thynges by the first moevere: Of man and womman seen we also, in youthe as well as age, alle shal be dumped, som dumped on dates, som dumped by telephone, some dumped in compaignie, som dumped allone.

"Thus, take two pintes of hagen dasz dulce de leche, a ful seson of buffie the vampyre slayre, and calle me in the morninge."

Chaucer's Internet abbreviations

Showing himself to be a thoroughly modern man, Geoff had this blog entry:

Oh newfanglenesse! Y have learned the privitees of the manye abbreviaciouns ywritten on the internette:

OMG: "oh mine ++DOMINUS++".

ROFL: "rollinge on the floore laughinge".

IRL: "in reale lyfe."

WTF: "whatte the swyve?"

Beinge somethinge of an innovator myselfe, Y presente to yow, churles and gentils alle, the followynge abbreviaciouns. May they serven yow welle in your internette communicacioun:

GP: gentil person

WC: woole customes

XC: Exchequer

OTPBRB: Offe to parliamente, be ryghte back

AOMSHJDOTBD: anothere of myne servauntes hath just dyede of the blacke death

EISBYMIWATCHDNSTHD: eftsoon I shall be ycleped mad if worke atte the customes house doth not settle the helle downe

Random acts of kindness

Michele Keffer, Squirrel Hill

I recently lost my wallet in the parking lot at the Carnegie Museum of Natural History. When I realized this, two hours into my visit, I figured the money was gone, and the hassle of dealing with lost credit cards, membership cards, driver's license, etc., awaited me. Not so. Two people later described to me as "a young couple" turned the wallet in to the security office, everything intact. Further, two members of the security team went above and beyond the call of duty, even after their shifts were over, to try and find me and return the wallet. Many thanks to the anonymous young couple, to Manuel and Shelli in security and to the Carnegie for hiring such wonderful people.

Susan Van Meter, Paw Paw, W. Va.

I'm a Pittsburgh native, living near the eastern panhandle of West Virginia. I love your Random Acts of Kindness pages. It reminds of the "kind" in humankind. I've been to many big cities, and, yes, there are nice folks all over this planet. But of all the big cities I've frequented, Pittsburgh above all has a great small-town quality to it. In the winter months of 1977, I was released from a two-month stay at Mercy Hospital with a huge plaster cast on my leg and around my torso. Maneuvering was a problem. I won't go into detail with the many stories of folks helping me off escalators, onto PAT buses, crossing the street, even pulling me back up on the curb to prevent me from being hit by a truck running a red light -- so many times the good folks of Pittsburgh came to my rescue. Humankind -- what a wonderful word.