Will drive for gas

Stacy Innerst, Post-Gazette Click photo for larger image.

Now that we're into the NASCAR season, we should pay homage to the drivers and their cars as the ultimate expression of perhaps the quintessentially American pursuit. We refer, of course, to advertising. It's almost impossible to find an ad-free area on man or car in the NASCAR world. Maybe the eyewear, but that's about it. Anyway, a California company wants to give ordinary drivers who also go too fast and get into wrecks a shot at ad money.

The Web-based business freegashelp.com, launched two months ago, will slap magnetic ads for auto dealers and cleaning services on your car, Wireless Flash News reports. Drivers who rack up substantial mileage can get a gas card worth from $5 to $80 a month, depending on the size of the ad. Leading ad carriers are gas-guzzling SUVs and trucks.

The company takes photos of the drivers and their cars and sends them to the advertisers, much like those adopt-a-child programs in distant lands. ("You can help this poor SUV owner, or turn the page.") So far, the program is limited to Southern California, but the company plans to expand into Michigan and Florida.

This space for rent

It's getting to the point where you'd think there's hardly any virgin territory left for advertising. But The Morning File has some untapped ideas:

Those announcement boards in front of churches. Couldn't a church make an extra buck by selling ad space? "After church, try Eat'n Park. Bring church program and get 20 percent off!"

Court summonses. Tickets to sporting events have ads on the back. When is the court system going to catch on? "Need a lawyer? Don't know where to turn? ..."

Zoo animals. Our zoo has relented in recent years and once again uses names for animals. But doesn't calling it, say, the Dollar Bank Home Equity Loan Baby Elephant give it more dignity than the name "Dumbo"?

License plates. "You've got a friend in Pepto-Bismol."

Books. "And, finally, this book would have been impossible without Fixodent."

Stop signs. "Stop ... and think about your financial future with ... "

And when will PennDOT figure out it could make millions by turning the endless procession of orange barrels into progressive ads like the Burma Shave highway signs of old?

Gross ads

Mrs. Morning File, a credit to her sex to say the least, is incensed that men are portrayed in television advertising as complete idiots, despite the first-hand evidence staring her in the face on a daily basis. BBC Writer John Camm agrees with her. "It's tiresome to see male characters in adverts who don't resemble anyone you know," he wrote recently. "But what's worse is the reliance of advertising on its own regurgitated cliches."

Here's Camm's list of how life in the advertising world differs from real life:

Men are obsessed with sex but will forgo sex to watch football or drink beer.

Women are locked in a constant battle with their weight/body shape/hairstyle.

Career success is entirely based on your ability to impress your boss.

Any act of male stupidity (e.g. walking across a clean floor in muddy boots, putting the dog in the dishwasher, etc.) will be met with a wry smile, not genuine annoyance/anger.

Anyone with a scientific career will have a bad haircut and dreadful clothes.

If you work in emergency services, you are a better person than the general population.

Elderly relatives NEVER suffer from senile dementia.

Women have jobs they never do in real life, e.g. dockworker (who looks like a model).

Children will not eat fruit or vegetables. Ever.

Men are inherently lazy/slobbish; women are the reverse.

Chocolate, however, will cause women to fall into the languor of the opium eater.

Bank staff are (A) friends of the customers, and (B) of slightly above-average attractiveness (only if female).

Hot beverages have miraculous rejuvenating effects.

Professional people have strangely trivial preoccupations, e.g. a female lawyer who is morbidly obsessed with finding a healthy snack bar.

All women (except stay-at-home housewives) have interesting, enjoyable careers.

Any over-the-counter medical product will work instantly and 100 percent effectively.

Children know more than adults.

Women never just hop in and out of the shower, instead preferring to act out some sort of soapy Dance of the Seven Veils.

School is a happy experience for all children.

Tortilla chips are the most exciting experience young people can have.

More ad stereotypes

From BBC Web site visitors adding to Camm's list:

Science's most important applications are smoothing out wrinkles and making hair shiny.

Cleaning products will remove any stain in one sweep of a cloth.

Razors glide across male faces and leave baby-smooth, non-irritated skin underneath.

Babies have conversations with each other about the relative merits of their diapers.

Women wear glasses only in ads for opticians.

It's OK to racially stereotype eskimos.

Anyone who is at home in the afternoon is in desperate need of a secured loan, a pension plan or no-win, no-fee lawyer.

Driving a new car leads immediately to all other traffic being kept off the road.

All babies spend their time being either naked and perfectly happy or clothed and asleep.

Saving a few dollars on a car insurance bill of several hundred dollars will make you ecstatic for the rest of the week.

Not so fast

Meanwhile, in Hawaii, the ads-on-wheels movement is under siege, The Honolulu Advertiser reports. The authorities want to outlaw paid advertising on cars, trucks and buses, which it sees as a way of dodging the state's ban on billboards. The proposal would also cover advertising trucks that scroll commercial messages from different companies. Officials are concerned that the rolling ads spoil Hawaii's scenic beauty.

The good old days: 2005

Is it any wonder people would prostitute their cars for some gas? Gas is about $2.46 a gallon in Southern California; a mere $2.29 on average in the Pittsburgh area. But it's likely motorists here are thrilled to see gas dip below $2.30, after an expensive summer and fall, when it went over $3 for a brief time. But if you really want to get nostalgic, take your mind back to February of aught-five, yes, one year ago, when gas was a lousy $1.88 a gallon, the last time it was below $2, according to Pittsburghgasprices.com. Will we ever be that lucky again? Possibly, and you don't have to move to Minneapolis, where gas is selling for $1.96. The government predicts prices will go down in the near future but go back up in the spring.

'I'm so proud of you, little SUV'

If you happen to be on the road in Britain, keep two things in mind: Drive on the left; and don't be alarmed when you see a driver talking to himself. He's likely not talking to himself or to a cell phone. Nearly half of British motorists -- 47 percent -- regularly talk to their cars, giving encouragement before a long trip and lavishing praise for a job well done at journey's end. A survey of 2,000 owners also found 40 percent thought their car had a personality and was capable of being upset, while 19 percent worried about how their car was feeling, Reuters reported. The poll, conducted by organizers of the British International Motor Show, found women were more likely to have a close relationship with their car than men were. One of five women gives a pet name to their cars but not their human partners.

Wake us when a car can light up a cigarette after a long, intimate journey.

Talk about brand loyalty

Sunday's Daytona 500 winner, Jimmie Johnson, got fined by NASCAR in August 2004 over, that's right, advertising. He put a cardboard Lowe's sign on top of his car so it would obscure PowerAde bottles. Johnson is sponsored by Lowe's and also plugs Pepsi-Cola. PowerAde is bottled by Coca-Cola, which happens to be the "official" soft drink of NASCAR. NASCAR didn't appreciate Johnson's ingenuity and fined him $10,000 for "actions detrimental to stock car racing." The week before, Jeff Gordon also swept PowerAde bottles off the top of his car in victory lane at Daytona. Does the sport need an ad referee?