Answers to basic questions about the big day.

Why was Valentine's Day established?

First, we have to say it's a sad commentary that we have to set aside a special day to force us to do something we should be doing spontaneously every day of the year, that is, expressing our abiding love for the greeting cards industry. Americans buy one billion Valentine's cards each year. That breaks down to four for every American, including Sean Penn, Ralph Nader, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Terrell Owens. Dick Cheney (who likely will have to go to five this year) and the director of the Internal Revenue Service.

Actually, that average is skewed, because 650 million of those billion cards are passed out by kids at school. Which brings us to what, historically, was the real purpose of Valentine's Day: to determine which kid is the most popular in his or her class. Sadly, this worthy goal has been undermined by a well-meaning but misguided educational establishment. Which is to say, some time in the 20th century, it became accepted practice for teachers to encourage dishonesty by insisting that all students bring a Valentine for everyone in the class, including the kids they can't stand. With insincerity thus instilled, is it any wonder that many of our young people aspire to run for higher office or head big corporations?

Who was St. Valentine?

There's a common misconception here. St. Valentine was an early Christian martyr but he had no known connection to ill-fitting lingerie or boxed chocolates. He is, however, believed by religious historians to be the patron saint of manufacturers of little cinnamon hearts.

Why is the heart so prominent in St. Valentine's Day?

In less enlightened times, the heart was thought to be the center of emotions. Today, we know this is nonsense. The heart is, in fact, the center of cholesterol, a space-hogger that leaves little room for love, particularly for people with high-fat, low-fiber diets. Still, despite the fact that the heart has been under attack, it has hung in there as a symbol of love. The most recent example came during the AFC championship when a Steelers fan had a heart attack after The Bus fumbled, making the non-fatal heart attack an appropriate, loving response to Steelers misfortune. But in a larger, non-Steelers context (if any context can indeed be larger), other vital organs have simply not tested well as love symbols in market research. The liver is overly identified with heavy drinking, the kidney was hurt by its association with the swimming pool industry, and studies have showed that no one would buy a box of chocolates shaped like a pancreas.

Who is Cupid, and why does he get so much publicity on St. Valentine's Day?

Cupid is the god of love in Roman mythology. He started out as a handsome youth with the odd habit of flying around shooting arrows in people -- and, no, wiseguy, he is not the patron god of vice presidents. Anyone Cupid hit experienced an irrevocable love, assuming they didn't prosecute, sue or wind up in intensive care. Later, literature and art reduced Cupid to a playful but troublesome infant, with a penchant for nudity as well as archery, not to mention cupidity. His behavior -- the nudity more than the violence -- created an image problem for Cupid, because shooting people in the heart came off as an odd way of showing affection, except in New Jersey, Detroit, South Central Los Angeles and parts of Brooklyn and Queens.

Seriously, does the IRS director send out Valentine's cards?

Yes.

IRS Valentine Short form:
How do we love thee?
Let us count the gross adjusted income

IRS Valentine Long form:
In good times or in bad,
(If good, skip to line 5)
We'll follow you --
Aren't you glad?
We'll audit you always