First black and gold, now red and pink. My eyes are so starved for a variety of color that if I saw a rainbow, the shock might detach my retinas.

Every year at this time, I am called upon to help some bewildered guy or guys figure out what to get those special women in their lives. I usually suggest real estate, but how romantic is a housing bubble?

Diamonds and other precious gems are, of course, always good, as is a tropical vacation. The important thing, though, is to steer away from the practical and toward the romantic and slightly frivolous. A good rule of thumb is that if it's something you could give one of your buddies you watch football games with, it's probably not suitable as a Valentine's Day gift.

So no routers, Rain-X, socket wrenches or beer hats. She can get those things for herself.

If you are so unfamiliar with her tastes that you truly can't think of anything she'd like, you can always take her out for a special dinner and give her flowers. Of course, if you've been together any length of time and are that unfamiliar with her tastes, maybe you should introduce yourself.

But even flowers can be tricky. What if she's allergic to pollen? What if lilies remind her of her Aunt Millie's funeral? Most sinister of all, flowers always send a message, and women will know what that message says. Will you?

One way to prevent a floral miscommunication is to be sure to tailor the flowers to the status of your relationship. That way, even though you may not be sure what you're saying, you can at least be sure you are speaking in an appropriate tone of voice, without drooling.

First date: (You scheduled your first date for Valentine's Day? You magnificent tower of confidence, you.) A nice single rose, iris or Gerbera daisy. You want to steer clear of anything too flashy or expensive. A $100 arrangement of rare orchids and flowering trees says "I may not know you yet, but the voices tell me we're meant to be together!"

Still on the test drive: You've had a few dates, and things seem to be going well; no deal-breaking confessions, no pet allergies, no run-ins with the police. Still, you haven't met her parents and you're not sure what's up with the stuffed animals. A substantial and colorful bouquet (optimism) of inexpensive flowers (caution) is in order. Carnations, daisies, astromeria.

Crazy for you: Does it matter? You can't take your eyes or hands off each other. Just get something that can wait a couple of hours before being put in water.

It's definitely a relationship: You may not have admitted it yet, but what you have there looks, swims, walks and quacks like a duck. You should break up with her; these interspecies relationships never work out.

However, if you've got a woman, and she's making plans with you more than a month in advance and sees to it that invitations for her also include you, you have probably blundered into a relationship. If that's a problem, take evasive action now! Awoooga! Awoooga!

If it is OK, try the inverse of the test drive bouquet: A smallish group of pricier flowers. Very elegant. Very classy. Very "I have a job."

Love, exciting and new: Whoever said it first, you've both said the L word now. No, not litigation -- that's later. This is the best you will ever feel about each other and the most romantic you will ever be, so go all out! Nothing says "I'm not just saying it so I don't have to drive home in the snow" like a big mess of roses. Red is classic, but if you know she likes some other color better, go with that. Especially if it's 4 o'clock on Valentine's Day. You don't want to have to buy a can of red paint.

You still here?: It's serious, it's been going on for years, and there's very little creativity happening. If you want to make it to Christmas, don't get her another dozen roses. Find something that makes her think she hasn't heard all your stories yet. Sunflowers. Honeysuckle. Potted thyme. A Venus fly trap. Kelp.

Or, if you've had enough and are ready to move on, try a cactus. Poison ivy. Keen gardeners appreciate kudzu. Fungus. Anything dead.

Follow these guidelines and you need never fear saying something unfortunate to your inamorata. Something like, "I love you, man, even when you pass out in the bean dip before halftime."