It was only a matter of time, I suppose. Men always complain that they don't understand women. Men tend to be drawn to high-tech gadgets. These two truths have finally been brought together, like a fork and a toaster.

Meet GirlfriendX. (Cue chilling Darth Vader theme music.)

Girlfriendx.com offers software designed to function as a kind of cyber Cyrano de Bergerac -- CdB for your PDA.

"Imagine wearing one of those little wireless earphones like the Secret Service wear," the Web pitch begins, "and having a full-time dating coach whisper hints on how to meet and keep that beautiful girl across the room."

This is the culmination of years of scientific research and space-age technology? A random pickup-line generator? Let me share a hint: If that "beautiful girl" doesn't respond to a smile and "hi," you are not going to keep her whatever the Secret Service whispers in your ear.

Besides, what if your wireless connection is interrupted by cell phone interference? There you are, relying on your electronic personality prosthesis, saying, "I could get lost in your eyes" or whatever, and all of a sudden you're murmuring "I'm in the canned bean aisle and they seem to be all out of Great Northern. Would cannellinis be all right?"

The site's pitch continues: "Imagine having a full-time administrative assistant who regularly sends sweet messages and virtual flowers to all of your girlfriends, in your name, using e-mail and SMS."

So you, Mr. Smooth, can be at Hooters with your disreputable buddies, and your girlfriend gets an instant message that says something like, "Can't stop thinking about U, sugR pie!" Have you no shame?

Well, clearly not, since you're sending similar to "all of your girlfriends." Except that many men I know are a lot less technically savvy and generally infallible than they like to think they are. Remember, computers are only as clever as their input allows them to be. I predict mishaps that involve photos with one girlfriend e-mailed to another, "I'm gonna give you everything you want, baby" mismessaged to your ex-wife and virtual flowers sent to roofing contractors.

(Another hint: We prefer real flowers. Virtual flowers cannot be carried triumphantly through an office.)

As if all this weren't disturbing and insulting -- and comical -- enough, here's the most amazing feature: "Now, imagine that you have a dedicated accountant who constantly evaluates your Booty Yield so you can determine whether any particular woman is worth the time, effort and money that you've invested."

So what we're dealing with here is a cost-benefit analysis. Number of sexual interludes. How much attention she requires. How much money you spend on her. How much you care.

You care? You're keeping a shoebox full of restaurant and jewelers' receipts and you care? Before you decide whether it's worth enduring another boring and expensive evening at a Jane Austen flick, you're going to balance your chick-book, print out the bar graph and consider cutting your losses?

Wow. When does Boyfriend X come out?

Ladies -- stop being outraged and think of the possibilities! This is genius!

First of all, the software would be much cheaper and less complicated for us. The whole sweet-message feature, for example, would be unnecessary. It could be replaced with a simple auto-repeater for whatever real, personally generated message you last sent, as in, "You haven't forgotten about the wine for Chris and Karen's party, right?"

But most important, think how much more you could get done if you could eliminate all that soul-searching and consulting with your girlfriends about whether you should stay with a man or move on. You parse conversations, you puzzle over motives, you analyze historical trends and weigh awarding the benefit of the doubt. You've suspected for years that it's a waste of time. Now it can be done for you -- with a Staying Power calculator!

Quality of sexual interludes. Time spent laughing vs. time spent crying. Number of lame excuses. Warmth of embrace.

As for GirlfriendX, hey: This is a computer program that flirts with you, thinks of you often and remembers your birthday and to ask how your job interview went. If the tech wizards can figure out how to combine it with the Boyfriend's Arm pillow (http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/05340/618034.stm), a lawn mower and one or two other useful attachments, well ...

You clever guys could have lots of time to play with your gadgets.