James Hilston, Post-Gazette Click illustration for larger version.

We can see it now: A TV ad with a man and a woman sitting in adjoining bathtubs on a mountaintop at sunset. Voiceover: "Put romance back in your life ... NGF, relighting those first flames of love, one molecule at a time." Voiceover then kicks into frantic overdrive: "Side effects include nausea, headache, gout, impotence, mendacity, audacity, dementia, minutia, procrastination, trepdidation, solipsism, priapism, communism, sinusitis, laryngitis, DariusKasparaitis and gingivitis. If symptoms persist for 36 hours, don't brag."

NGF? You probably have no idea what we're talking about, which can only mean that your subscription to Psychoneuroendocrinology has run out. The Nov. 9 issue of the research journal tells us that scientists have identified a molecule linked to the first flames of romantic love. The molecule -- called nerve growth factor, or NGF -- becomes more concentrated in the bloodstream during the early stages of romance, according to researchers at the University of Pavia in Italy, where romance is a major industry. The concentrations of NGF die down to normal by about one year later -- just about the time people get married. Can the day be far off when NGF concentrate will be available over the counter? Of course, it would come in a very, very small package that could not be seen with the naked eye. More info at world-science.net.

The premier of Nova Scotia, which is not an island but is home to the Penguins' Sidney Crosby, says Canadian couples should get down to business in the bedroom tout suite, or in any old suite, for that matter. Premier John Hamm is worried about Canada's flagging population and is suggesting that tax incentives will get people in the mood, the Globe and Mail reports. The usually staid politician compared his province's slumping population to the under-reproductive days of the Roman Empire, when Julius W. Caesar doled out big tax cuts based on how many children people had. "He said you get 20 per cent tax relief for one child, double that for two, triple that for three and if you have five children, you pay no taxes at all," Mr. Hamm said, which was easy for him to say because he leaves office in February.

Canada's population has grown by 1 percent over the last 10 years to 32 million. The U.S. has a 1.1 growth rate and 294 million people. Nova Scotia and the other Maritime provinces -- Newfoundland, New Brunswick and Prince Edward Island -- have stagnant populations. Hence the need for stepped-up breeding.

Who says newspapers don't run good news? A story in yesterday's Scotsman began: "Thousands of poorer Scots could escape controversial increases in the retirement age recommended yesterday -- because they are likely to die earlier than the better-off." The age of entitlement to a state pension in Scotland is likely to rise to 66 in 2020, 67 in 2030 and 68 in 2050, so young people can get a jump on leading ruinous lives.

Carol Blackstock reluctantly evacuated her senior complex just hours before Katrina struck and had to leave her 8-year-old, mixed-breed cat Minou behind in New Orleans. A neighbor offered to look after Minou. Carol figured she'd be back in days, but days turned into weeks, and she wound up with relatives in Michigan. Eventually, she learned that her apartment building had been damaged and boarded up. Even worse: Nobody had any information on Minou or the kindly neighbor. Two weeks ago, Carol received a telephone call from a woman in Pittsburgh, the Macomb Daily in Michigan reports. The caller was with an organization -- Carol isn't sure which -- that rescued animals in New Orleans. The woman described a gray, declawed mild-mannered feline. "That's my cat," Carol said. A couple going to Detroit for Thanksgiving volunteered to bring Minou along, and there was a grand reunion that Wednesday evening. "It was a great Thanksgiving present," Carol Blackstock said. (Story comes via goodnewsblog.com.) If you are that Pittsburgh woman, let The Morning File know.

From the AP
• Man Buys Smoker, Finds Human Leg Inside • Coach Stops Runaway Horse by Biting Ear • Man Allegedly Tries to Use 'Blurry' $100 • Police Break Up Brawl at Chuck E. Cheese • Suggestive Card Ruffles Farmer's Feathers • Nerds to Auction Themselves to Women • Toilet to Tap? San Jose Probes Plan • Seattle to Allow Pygmy Goats As Pets • Yankees Rookies Dress Up in Oz Costumes

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words:

1. Coffee, the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate, to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, impotent.

6. Negligent, describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph, to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, the belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.