James Hilston, Post-Gazette

Bears: Just say No
The headline from the Pennsylvania Game Commission press release was a grabber: DRUG DETERRENCE MAKES FOR GOOD BEAR DETERRENCE. Hmmm. Let's see. "This is your dumpster. This is your dumpster on bears"? We were hooked. It seems residents of Pine Cone Townhouses near Blue Knob State Park on the Blair/Bedford county line have been plagued with "nuisance bears" for more than 10 years, which is not as long as we've been plagued with a nuisance Legislature. The bears had become so at home that a woman lifted a dumpster lid one evening, and a bear's head popped out. (We wanted to get the bears' view of exactly who the "nuisance" is, but they couldn't be reached for comment.) Anyway, the citizens tried new heavy rubber lids, but the bears just caved them in. Then Sue Lingenfelter of the waste-hauling firm had a better idea, as the game commission recounts. Her company had used dumpsters with metal lids and locking devices to keep drug abusers from rummaging through dumpsters at drug stores. No locks needed for the bears, because the lightweight metal lids (reinforced so the bears can't cave them in) are enough to "keep out all but a huge bear." At last word, the bears were still showing up but not eating from the dumpster, raising the question, is this a clear-cut victory for the humans, or should they simply put out a bear buffet a couple of miles away?

Answer: No

Beginning of a press release from Olay: "Ever wonder what men and women think about while they shower? Or which celebrity women and men across America would most like to take a shower with?"

Do not try this at home
Forget the better mouse trap. The Dutch have pioneered a product that, we're told, fills a pressing need. "When a lady's options are limited to ducking into a filthy outhouse or squatting in the brush, the P-Mate is her new best friend," Washingtonpost.com assures us. That's right, it's a disposable, leak-proof funneling device that enables women to pee standing up. "Surprisingly, the implement, which resembles a cardboard elf's shoe, creates a perfect spout and does what it claims to," the Post reports in a consummate bit of consumer reporting. The P-Mate folds flat into a package no bigger than a business envelope for later disposal. It was invented by a Dutch woman in 1999 and has become popular in Europe and Canada. Look for it soon at a retail outlet near you. Or if you can't wait, go to www.goyourway.net. Five-pack for $5.95.

Smiling verboten

From the AP
• Man Buys Smoker, Finds Human Leg Inside • Coach Stops Runaway Horse by Biting Ear • Man Allegedly Tries to Use 'Blurry' $100 • Police Break Up Brawl at Chuck E. Cheese • Suggestive Card Ruffles Farmer's Feathers • Nerds to Auction Themselves to Women • Toilet to Tap? San Jose Probes Plan • Seattle to Allow Pygmy Goats As Pets • Yankees Rookies Dress Up in Oz Costumes

Did your teacher ever tell you to "wipe that smile off your face"? German bureaucrats are saying something like that, no doubt in a nice way, to people getting passport photos. The reason: The Germans are going to biometric passports, already introduced in Canada and the United States, which are much harder to forge or tamper with, the Associated Press reports. The facial recognition system that scans the passport matches key features on the holder's face and works best when there's a neutral expression with the mouth closed. "A broad smile, however nice it may be, is therefore unacceptable," the Interior Ministry said in a statement.

Regis Philbin reads us
Last Monday's Morning File on the Regises of the world was picked up by the King of Regises himself. Regis Philbin read portions of Mark Roth's "Pittsburgh's Rash of Regises," which mentioned the co-star of "Regis and Kelly," on that day's show. Next up in The Morning File: "A Pittsburgh Cache of Kellys."

Correction
Friday's Morning File erroneously described Asperger's Syndrome as a mood disorder. It is a developmental disability.

Bonus thought for today
"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." --Steven Wright