Stacy Innerst, Post-Gazette Click illustration for larger version.

Today Morning File celebrates some traditional Americana, starting with a County Fair Elephant Assault that happened right in our back yard. At the Westmoreland Fair, 18-year-old Ellisha Long of North Huntingdon was roughed up by a 4-ton circus elephant. It wasn't as bad as it sounds, although Ellisha probably didn't think so at the time. Police said one of two pachyderms in a menagerie show apparently got greedy when a crowd gathered to feed them. Jule, a female elephant, wrapped her trunk around Ellisha's wrist and gave it a tug. She got a sprained wrist and a great story to tell her grandchildren. Wambold's Circus Menagerie packed up and left town last weekend, as circuses always do. There's no word on any lawsuit, but there's some question as to exactly who the aggrieved party is. Last Tuesday, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals called for a full government investigation of possible elephant abuse under the Wambold big top.

On the same day PETA made its announcement, a New York linen company went public with its newest offering: LaThong Disposable Panties. "Disposable underwear has been popular in Europe and Asia for well over 10 years," said Danita Harris, president of DNA Products in a press release heralding America's attempt to come from behind and close the disposability gap, and after all we pioneered disposability. "We're trying to bring that same popularity here to the U.S." Travelers can save on luggage space and laundry bills, Harris said -- the polypropylene undies come in tiny packages of three, five or seven, and choices include boxers, briefs and bikinis. And now thongs. With sales accounting for 25% of the U.S.'s $2.6 billion women's underwear market in 2004, Harris says a throwaway thong was inevitable. Why these people are ignoring the men's disposable thong market is beyond us.

From the AP
• Man Buys Smoker, Finds Human Leg Inside • Coach Stops Runaway Horse by Biting Ear • Man Allegedly Tries to Use 'Blurry' $100 • Police Break Up Brawl at Chuck E. Cheese • Suggestive Card Ruffles Farmer's Feathers • Nerds to Auction Themselves to Women • Toilet to Tap? San Jose Probes Plan • Seattle to Allow Pygmy Goats As Pets • Yankees Rookies Dress Up in Oz Costumes

As long as we're celebrating unmentionables, let's offer a big "va-va-voom" for another innovation: Gummy-bear breasts of burlesque proportions. "High-strength gel breast implants," a strong, tough, and relatively safe way for the mammary-challenged to surgically fill out their sweaters, were approved by the FDA two years ago. Sadly, they only came in plain-jane cup sizes A through C. But Dr. Grant Stevens, a California plastic surgeon, believes more is more.

"For those women who want a more voluptuous look, we can now use high-strength gel implants and achieve cup sizes that range from "D" to "DDD," the good doctor said in a publicity statement. These have a texture similar to a gummy bear, which gives better shape retention and makes the implants less apt to leak, he said. They maintain their "upright position" and are less likely to cause pesky folding and rippling. "Though they may be larger, there's no reason for a woman to be afraid these will make her look like she's had the typical boob job," said Dr. Stevens. "They just provide a higher-quality look and feel." The doctor didn't elaborate on just how "high-quality look and feel" are judged. Also, no word on the size, flavor and color of the gummy bear prototype used.

Our last discovery in our pursuit of good old American self-improvement is Snap-On-Teeth, an innovation made-to-order for a country raised on Donny Osmond and Julia Roberts. We love our barracuda smiles, and Americans are recognized the world over for our rows of perfect white enamel. Boca Raton cosmetic dentist Dr. Mitchell A. Pohl is one of a few dentists nationwide offering Snap-On-Teeth, plastic coverings that fit over your own less-than-pearly whites. Snap-On selections include celebrity teeth in the image of Tom Cruise, Halle Berry or Jessica Simpson.

These "teeth" go on and off with a gentle tug, the dentist said. They aren't meant to chomp or chew and do not correct existing dental problems. But they're not just for dressing-up either. Social theorist Malcolm Gladwell cited a study in the August 29th New Yorker that found "bad teeth have come to be seen as a marker of poor parenting, low educational achievement and slow or faulty intellectual development."

Could Snap-On-Teeth be the answer to a pressing, depressing social problem? Dr. Pohl thinks so. Job-seekers have returned to thank him for shiny teeth that changed their lives and restored their self-confidence, he says. If only Jule the elephant had a pair of snap-ons. She would have had more self-confidence and seen that Ellisha was only trying to be friendly.