The Rev. Jerry Falwell turned 72 yesterday, bringing him one day closer to hearing the words he wants most to hear in the whole world: "Well done, my good and faithful servant. Come thou into the joy of thy Master."

Whether Falwell will hear those words in the presence of Jesus, the repatriated messiah elevated to the status of honorary American in recent years, is open to debate.

What isn't debatable are Rev. Falwell's conflicting loyalties to the god of American civil religion and the itinerant preacher who denounced the religious leaders of his day with such vitriol that he eventually found himself staring into their faces from a bloody cross on a Passover morning.

Earlier this year in a mass fund-raising letter, the chancellor of Liberty University and founder of the newly rechristened Moral Majority Coalition sought to channel the anxieties of religious Americans by rallying them against what could only be described as the Abomination of Democratic Desolation waiting in the wings:

"As national chairman of the Moral Majority Coalition, I am committed to lending my influence to help turn out at least 40 million 'faith and values' voters in 2008 to assure that Sen. Hillary Clinton, or someone of her ultra-liberal ilk, will never be president of this nation."

Ah, Hillary. Must you always be so true to the spirit of your master, the Anti-Christ? Isn't the Whore of Babylon an obvious enough symbol of your radical feminist agenda?

Never one to mince words when beating the bushes for money from the faithful in a mass fund-raising mailing, Falwell urged his supporters to "Vote Christian in 2008":

"Everyone now knows that the stage is set for the church of Jesus Christ to turn this nation back to the faith of our fathers and the Judeo-Christian ethic," Falwell wrote, leaping over hundreds of years of inconvenient history and unruly facts in a single bound.

The sentimental history of America as imagined by Christian fundamentalists like Falwell has always been an interesting diversion from real life. If it weren't such a proven money-maker for cynical preachers whose talent for fleecing the credulous can never be underestimated, it would be laughable in its heretical audacity.

Jesus as preached from far too many pulpits on Sunday morning is nothing more than the sanctified lawn jockey of a resurgent American empire. He isn't even accorded the dignity of questioning the assumptions of the political and religious operators that have appropriated him as their official mascot.

The Jesus that many Christians want to parade in the American public square like an organ-grinder's monkey will mostly be called upon to bless football games, debutante balls and occasional military incursions into hostile Islamic countries.

Fake piety and self-interest will be transformed like water into wine once prayer is enshrined in public schools. Vote Christian and you'll help chase away heresies like evolution and self-esteem training, leading to an immediate turnaround in your child's learning environment. God's curse will be lifted and our little ones will once again be competitive with the Buddhist heathens of Asia.

Vote Christian so that the sanctity of life will be absolute and that godly men will always be in place to ensure that our nuclear arsenal is second to none in its destructive capability.

Being pro-life isn't just about protecting unborn babies. It means being willing to extend American power around the world to protect our geo-political interests. It means fast and efficient access to guns for every citizen who wants one with a minimum of interference from the federal government.

So, by all means, put an " I Vote Christian" bumper sticker on your car so that the day will come when executions can proceed briskly and death row is eventually emptied of its spiritual detritus.

Too many activist judges are out to frustrate the will of the people. What we need is an enlightened judiciary where "an eye for an eye" is the law of the land and grace and mercy are dispersed under strict supervision to only the most "deserving" sinners.

Vote Christian so that environmental policies will remain in the hands of the good folks at the oil, coal and natural gas companies. Who's in a better position to determine how to be good stewards of the resources God gave us? Certainly not the social Darwinists at the Sierra Club.

Vote Christian and obsessive concern for private morality will always trump systematic political reform. Get your own house in order before you point fingers at godly political leaders and their idiosyncrasies.

Vote Christian and the federal government will finally be forced to get out of the social-welfare business. As a Christian nation, we won't have any need for quasi-Marxist services like Social Security, public assistance or Medicare.

It will be up to religious communities to carry the load of the weak and despised of society. As long as they keep to their place and understand that nobody "owes" them anything, they'll quickly adapt to the concept of self-sufficiency.

Vote Christian so that our racial conflicts disappear. Those who were once oppressed by white Christian civilization will finally see the providential hand of God in their oppression. If not for slavery and colonialism, how would the Gospel have come their way?

Vote Christian. Maybe when Jesus returns, we can persuade him to vote Christian, too.