July 18, 2005
Pittsburgh, Pa. 15222

Mr. Mark Cuban (or occupant)
The Dallas Mavericks
2500 Victory Avenue
Dallas, TX 75201

Dear Mr. Cuban,

Congratulations! You have been pre-approved for our low, low interest super-mega titanium plutonium card, which includes just about any financial configuration necessary for enabling you to purchase the Pittsburgh Pirates. In fact, you already may have lost 100 games, or more!

Interested? We knew you would be!

Just call 1-800-BUY-BUCS to activate the enclosed card, sign the back, and the process by which you'll begin completing the fulfillment of your sports ownership dreams will automatically be set in motion.

Additionally, our distinguished board of creative financial sycophants has devised, provided you act within seven business days, one of the industry's leading ownership rewards programs, innovatively and with no hidden alliteration charges called Buc Bucks, with which you can earn points toward free merchandise and an array of Pittsburgh area services just by keeping the Pirates payroll above the major-league average. The more above -- the more Buc Bucks you earn!

The full details of the exciting new Buc Bucks program are available on our Web site, Cubanisgod.com, but basically, it works like this. Say that in your first year of owning the Pirates, you've tentatively set the payroll at $73 million. But in mid-April, you notice that first baseman Daryle Ward still hasn't homered since June 7, 2005, so you add to your roster, perhaps through one of those patented blockbuster deadline deals that helped transform the Mavericks from a total non-entity to a consistent winner, a Mr. Albert Pujols, just for example. The payroll jumps at least $11 million, and you immediately earn at least 11 million Buc Bucks, redeemable for goods and services ranging from a free round of mini-golf to a Morton's appetizer at any participating Pittsburgh area businesses.

But wait! There's more.

With the 2006 Major League All-Star Game scheduled for PNC Park next July 11, you could position yourself as the center of the sports universe for three days next summer (not that you're not already the center of the sports universe Mr. Cuban, of course). But as the native son and former door-to-door garbage bag salesman who stopped a runaway train of losing seasons (13, but who's counting) and reconfigured the Pirates in the lost image of a winning tradition, you'll never pay for a yard o' beer again in this town.

At this point, we know what you're thinking. Why would I, maverick owner of the consistently successful Dallas Mavericks, sharp stone in the gucci of that officious "genius" David Stern, media darling, bon vivant, and the guy who sold Broadcast.com to Yahoo for $5.7 billion in 1999 (oh, I didn't mention bulti-billionaire ?), even think about getting involved with a franchise whose implied motto has never seemingly changed from anything more ambitious than "nice ballpark though"?

Well, there's that, yeah. The ballpark, whose abundant charms you'll experience when you visit tonight, but wait! There's more!

The Pirates, despite their record, have actual major-leaguers. Not much more than a handful, but that's what makes this club so perfectly positioned for bold (read unbelievably rich) new ownership. With the high-end free agents you'll undoubtedly be adding this winter, you'll be taking full advantage of our Buc Bucks program and solidifying your position as one of the most dynamic figures in sport, again, not that you already aren't Mr. Cuban, of course.

In fact, here's a partial list of looming free agents and their approximate salaries, just as a reference point for your accountants: Johnny Damon ($8 million), A.J. Burnett ($4 million), Matt Morris ($2 million), Jarrod Washburn ($6 million), Billy Wagner ($9 million), Trevor Hoffman ($5 million), Mike Piazza ($16 million -- think of the Buc Bucks!), Paul Konerko ($9 million), Kevin Millar ($4 million), Rafael Furcal ($6 million), Nomar Garciaparra ($8 million), Hideki Matsui ($8 million), Sammy Sosa ($18 million -- the Buc Bucks bunker buster!), Bernie Williams ($12 million), and Brian Giles ($8 million).

Sounds exciting, doesn't it? Doesn't it!?

I mean, c'mon Mark, for God's sake help us. You gotta buy this club. We're suffering up here. The place is barely half full most games. The populace is telling one of America's great newspapers they're more excited about the alleged return of hockey than by baseball's second half (by more than 2 to 1). The club's scoring maybe 12 runs in a good week.

Pick up the phone we're beggin' ya. It's 1-800-BUY-BUCS.

Sincerely,
E. Charles Collier
Vice President, Creative Synergies and Spastic Satire.
Or something.