How can "Hit Me Baby One More Time" be losing viewers in a nation where the average person's appetite for TV train wrecks is, by all accounts, insatiable?

Is there some level on which Tommy Tutone looking back on Jenny and the day he found her number on the bathroom wall is less enjoyable -- less watchable -- than "Dancing With the Stars"?

Of course, you'd like to think not.

NBC has put together a show in which bands and solo acts that had just a moment in the spotlight return to the stage for a weekly competition, with the audience voting for its favorite. But there is a fundamental problem with this summer show, and I'll tell you what it is.

You cannot bring the "My Sharona" demographic to the table and expect it not to have a problem with an audience of Lindsay Lohan's peers deciding that Vanilla Ice is somehow better than The Knack. In any year. On any stage. It's just not right.

And I don't say this just because I think The Knack deserved to win that night, although they clearly did. Nor do I say it just because I own at least five albums by the band, including "Round Trip" in at least two formats.

No, I say this as an armchair sociologist who never went to school for armchairs, much less sociology. But you cannot mix and match nostalgia, not the way they've done it here. You're either young enough to think Vanilla Ice was better than The Knack -- or old enough to think The Knack was better -- or you're not.

It's just the essence of nostalgia.

Is it really any wonder that Arrested Development, a group with three gold singles in the Top 10 in the early '90s, was a bigger hit with "Hit Me Baby" voters -- all of whom seemed young enough to be carded for cigarettes -- than Loverboy, whose singer's clearly put on 20 years and 40 pounds since he could rate a Random Note in Rolling Stone?

Or course not.

It's ridiculous to pit those groups against each other.

Kids who cut their teeth on Arrested Development don't want to sit through a Loverboy song any more than the folks who know the words to "Working For The Weekend" want to see a rap group beat the dude who sang the theme to "Footloose."

If there is a way to win this show a second season, then, it's narrow-casting. I can't tell you what Vanilla Ice's demographic wants. But as a member of the "My Sharona" demographic, I can tell you how to build a better, more effectively nostalgic second season for the folks who grew up on the Motels, Greg Kihn, Tommy Tutone and "Baby Talks Dirty" (the Knack's third hit).

Let's start with Dexys Midnight Runners, an Irish jug band from Birmingham, England, that topped the American charts in 1983 with the anthemic, spirited, frankly ridiculous "Come On Eileen." Of course, to really turn this show around, they'd have to let them do the whole song, including the part where it slows to a crawl and gradually speeds up again, not like the Knack, who were forced to do "My Sharona" without a guitar solo.

Gary Numan would be a New Wave coup for Season 2. "Cars" is a techno-pop classic, riding Numan's timeless synth riff and some amazingly paranoid lyrics to the Top 10 back in 1980, the same year the Vapors earned their spot on "Hit Me Baby, One More Time," with "Turning Japanese," a jittery power-pop song about getting a doctor to take your picture "so I can look at you from inside as well." And kids will recognize the Vapors from the "Charlie's Angels" soundtrack. The Jags would be another good jittery power-pop choice for "Back of My Hand."

The Boomtown Rats would also be a great addition to the cast. I know Bob Geldof's plate is looking kind of full with Live 8 at the moment, but if Bono can juggle his saving the world and doing an iPod commercial, couldn't Sir Bob tear himself away from starving children long enough to sing "I Don't Like Mondays"? I should think so.

There should be some weirdos, too, of course. Try Toni Basil, whose "Mickey" topped the charts in 1982, but only if she does it right. In a cheerleading outfit and pigtails. Wall of Voodoo's "Mexican Radio" would be a hoot, as would After the Fire's "Der Kommissar," but the quirky New Wave act to beat might be the Buggles, whose "Video Killed the Radio Star" hit twice, as a Top 40 single in '79 and the first song played on MTV in '81. Unless, of course, they lost to Devo, whose only mainstream pop hit, "Whip It," sold a million copies back in 1980. Like Basil, though, they'd have to suit up or it wouldn't be the same. And don't forget the whip.

Other possible contenders for a stronger second season:

Nick Lowe ("Cruel to Be Kind") Modern English ("Melt With You"), Soft Cell ("Tainted Love"), The Waitresses ("I Know What Boys Like"), Tom Tom Club ("Genius of Love"), Aztec Camera ("Oblivious"), Timbuk 3 ("The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades"), Haircut One Hundred ("Love Plus One"), Bow Wow Wow ("I Want Candy") and Lipps, Inc. ("Funkytown").

Again, these are only suggestions. But if I were NBC, I'd have a lot of calls to make.