Marriage isn't easy.

Oh, sure. The wedding is a lot of fun and the honeymoon can be spectacular. But making a marriage work long-term involves constant care and grooming.

	Budinger

You've heard the statistics. About 50 percent of all traditional marriages fail. But the figures are even worse for those who try it again. The divorce rate among stepfamilies is more than 60 percent, and some people believe it could be as high as 90 percent if you factor in breakups among the large number of stepfamilies that live together without getting married.

So, with June, the traditional wedding month, approaching, we'll depart from our annual seasonal advice to first-timers at the altar and concentrate on those contemplating another go-around at this marriage thing.

Merging families have all the pitfalls of the traditional walk down the aisle, multiplied by the number of stepchildren, ex-spouses and suspicious in-laws and relatives on both sides who are all expected to just get along now, but in reality, often tug, pull and tear at the very fabric of the remarriage.

With two-thirds of the divorced and widowed remarrying, and 500,000 adults a year becoming new stepparents, there are a lot of emotional minefields out there that might be avoided if people knew what to expect and how to deal with them.

They should talk to Anna McManus Gay.

A stepmom with three stepchildren and a child of her own, Gay holds a doctorate in marital and family therapy and has been helping couples navigate those marital minefields for 28 years.

That's her job, and she operates a private practice out of an office in Sewickley Hills. But more importantly, she "gives back to the community" through The Stepfamily Connection, a local chapter of the nonprofit Stepfamily Association of America, offering a series of seminars and group sessions at UPMC Passavant -- all free.

"One of the things I've found is that stepfamilies who go into it without any preparation, or without a therapist, or even a stepfamily group or some kind of guidance, take a lot longer to get their two families united," she said. "When they do look me up three years down the road, sometimes the damage is beyond repair."

Preparation should begin at least six months before the stepfamily wedding. But even those who do recognize the need for some early help usually do not foresee the problems ahead. "I call it the 'Novocain of romance,' " Gay said. "They come in with stars all around their heads, just madly in love." In most cases, they have been through years of pain in an unhappy marriage. "Now that they've found the 'right person' for them ... they don't think they're going to have any problems."

She provides seminars on such subjects as creative communication skills for couples living in a stepfamily, becoming an effective stepparent and the most popular one in terms of attendance -- dealing with a difficult ex-spouse.

Gay offers several strategic points of advice in her seminars:

Prepare the children. "Make it a fun six months where the two families get to know each other." You don't want the kids to wait until the wedding to decide whether they're going to hate each other.

Take that honeymoon. There might be a tendency in remarrying to skip this nicety. But Gay says it's a must. Newlyweds usually have a year or so before kids arrive to work out those issues like "leaving the toothpaste cap off or the toilet lid up." Stepparents have instant families and it's hard to work on those personal adjustments in the middle of kids at home.

Always include the ex-spouse. "As long as you have those children, you have that ex-spouse in your life," she said. She even urges the stepparent-to-be to face the ex-spouse and assure him or her "that you are not trying to take their children, not trying to hurt their children."

Melding two families into one takes considerable work and lots of time. Research, Gay says, shows there are various stages of becoming a successful stepfamily, with the last stage, harmony, taking two to five years to reach.

"The earliest I have ever had a family come together is 11 months," she said.

The message is clear. Remarrying and building a blended family starts out with the cards stacked against success. Making it work has multiple more pitfalls than a traditional marriage. But there is help, and the smart thing to do is find that help, even if you don't think you need it, well before trying on those vows again.

For information or reservations at upcoming seminars offered by The Stepfamily Connection, call Anna McManus Gay at 412-259-8031.