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Stacy Innerst, Post-Gazette Click illustration for larger version. |
Hey, hold on there! If you are eating toast or a grilled cheese sandwich at this moment, stop immediately. Look before you eat. Do you see an image of someone famous? What's that you say? Cher? Mae West? Dick Cheney? Sorry, just keep eating. Not even Buddha, the Dalai Lama, PeeWee Herman or Martin Luther will get you on eBay. But if you can discern the Blessed Virgin Mary there, you could be in business.
You've heard about the woman with the 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich, which, she said, came not with a pickle but an image of the Virgin Mary on it. A casino that apparently specializes in religious artifacts paid $28,000 for it. Then last week, a New Jersey man tried to break the Virgin Mary's stranglehold on the face-on-edibles market. He carved a commemorative drawing of Georgia runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks on a piece of Wonder Bread toast. He posted it on eBay and got a $15,400 bid (for charity, he said), but the bidder reneged. Still it seems there's money in toast art, not to mention toast miracles.
Hold the jelly
We wondered what was happening in toast collectibles, so we checked eBay yesterday and were immediately rewarded: "First time ever on eBay -- a hologram piece of toast." It's been on the market since Sunday and the bidding is stalled at the suggested opener, 1 cent. Which means you can pick up this one-of-a-kind item for almost nothing, although there is a $1.5 million mailing fee (priority mail). Here's the moving account of the moment of discovery from toast hologram owner "iburk" of Point Roberts, Wash.
"I really don't know what happened. The bread just toasted on the top. I backed away and was going to look at the element and saw Jennifer Wilbanks. Pretty common these days ... no big deal. Then I went to look at the back of the toaster oven ... looked back at the toast ... there was Pope JP2 ... moved my head a little more ... there was Pope Benedict XVI ... moved to the other side ... Elvis. I talked to a few other people and they swear they see either Alfred E. Neuman or Martha Stewart if they look straight down on it. You be the judge!!" Which you can be at search.ebay.com/toast-and-wilbanks. "I WILL NOT sell the entire piece of toast. I plan on consulting the world's foremost toast experts about cutting this up into croutons (all the images should be seen on the face of the croutons, if the hologram experts are correct)."
Eyes of other beholders
Other images eBay viewers have seen in this remarkable piece of toast: "Dogs Playing Poker" on velvet; the Three Stooges rolling dice; a Wal-Mart greeter; a huge pile of socks -- all singles; and, of course, the Virgin Mary. And it provoked this online theological question of iburk:
"Q: What does it mean if we see the Virgin Mary?"
"A: Well, according to the Zen masters, 'Toast cannot be explained: one interprets it.' If you are talking about the image behind Elvis (he is sitting at the Food Court at the West Edmonton Mall, enjoying what appears to be a double order of Pineapple Chicken Balls) ... we don't think so. We thought it could be Princess Di, but that is ridiculous ... she hangs at the Mall of America. The Virgin image could very well be in the toast -- thanks for reporting the sighting."
Q. from The Morning File: Has eBay become a breeding ground for comedians?
Other holy sightings
Blessed Mother in a stain on a concrete wall beneath a highway overpass in Chicago last month.
A Jesus fish stick discovered by a man in Kingston, Ontario. He saw Christ in a fish stick he burned and kept it in his freezer for a year. He went public after hearing of the Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich.
A piece of popcorn witnesses say was shaped like the Virgin Mary holding baby Jesus. It was auctioned on eBay last November, with bidding starting at $250.
A silhouette of the Virgin Mary witnesses said they saw in dew on a Boston-area hospital window in 2003.
A cinnamon bun said to contain a likeness of Mother Teresa at a Nashville coffee shop in 1996.
Toast research
Where can I get scholarly research on toast? you ask. My off-hand recommendation would be The Hall of Burnt Toast at the Museum of Burnt Food. I'm not making this up; Deborah Henson-Conant is. The museum is housed in Arlington, Mass., but is "temporarily closed due to fire damage," if you catch her drift. Yes, it exists online and it reveals society's increased understanding of burnt food over the past decade. The Hall of Burnt Toast alone contains more than 2,000 specimens. A newly renovated Hall of Charred Condiments is scheduled to open soon. The piece de resistance: A coal-fired soy dog, circa 1989. But not one image of the Virgin Mary on toast, because it doesn't believe in making things up. www.burntfoodmuseum.com.
