Where'd he go?

Up until a month or so ago, Herb Elish was the master builder who directed the Carnegie Library system and put up all those new libraries around the city. So at 71, he retired, right? No, he moved back to his native New York City, where he is chief operating officer of the College Board. That, of course, is the outfit that gives the SAT college entrance test and operates the Advanced Placement program, so if you want to complain about your score or the unfairness of the tests, you know whom to contact. Question: Did he have to do an essay to get the job?

Yes, but did he read it?

You borrow a library book in 1981 and return it promptly in 2005. What's the fine? We put this to Maximum Herb, and he reluctantly sided with the permissive librarians in Orchard Park, N.Y. All they wanted from Joel Schlesinger was the limit: $15. But he decided it was only fair that, since he did the crime, he pay the entire fine, he told the Buffalo News. So he handed over a check for $2,190. The fascinating book: "The Joy of Camping."

Beyond SATs

We hear all the time about trouble in our schools. But while it's undeniable that some American schools are plagued by extreme violence, the United States is at the global average. Reports of students victimizing other students is highest in Hungary, Rumania and the Philippines. Even countries thought to be more law-abiding than we are, such as New Zealand and Canada, have more student-on-student violence, according to a Penn State study. The researchers' recommendation: higher quality instruction and more equitable distribution of learning opportunities, not just zero-tolerance policies and more metal detectors.

157 card studs

It's not all research up there at Penn State. No less than 157 Nittany Lions have qualified for the semifinal round of the 2005 College Poker Championship. That's the most of any of the 2,400 colleges from 55 countries, who will try to know when to fold in the semifinal tournament that takes place online Sunday. Top prize: a $41,000 scholarship.

Hey, gimme an Elsie Lite

Drinking cow's urine is the latest fad among health-conscious Indians. Sales have gone through the roof in Hyderabad. "People felt insulted when I recommended it," Nirmal Kumar, a meditation and yoga expert, told The Telegraph of Calcutta. "Now not only my students, but their family members consume it, too."

Act of kindness

Mikael D.Z. Kimelman of Squirrel Hill: "Pittsburgh is a great city filled with great people. My elderly mother has been visiting us from out of town. On a recent Saturday, she took an afternoon walk. Not being very familiar with Squirrel Hill my mother ended up very lost, walking all the way to Regent Square. There she asked a woman in a red minivan for directions. This wonderfully kind woman, whose name we never learned, insisted on driving my mother home. When my mother was unable to guide her she even called a friend for help with directions. Our whole family is so very thankful to this kind-hearted woman and to Pittsburgh, which fosters a community of people who care."

Party all morning

Today is National Nightshift Workers Day, which honors those workers who reverse their circadian rhythm to keep businesses running. It's also National Third Shift Workers Day. I guess you dayshifters are on your own today.

Overheard in church

St. Winifred in Mt. Lebanon: A mother takes her pre-school child to the altar, where she receives communion. On the way back, the little boy says: "How old do you have to be to get one of them cookies?"

Operational wisdom

"Never take a cross-country trip with a kid who has just learned to whistle."

-- Jean Deuel

Note to contestants

We have gratefully received your suggested new slogans for our Pittsburgh Pirates, some of which are even worthy of being shared with the public. However, it would be bad form to hit the Bucs while they're up, sorta, so we'll hold off for a slump. Meanwhile, keep up the high-quality stream of entries for our Sunday caption contest. If you missed it, it's not too late to catch up online at Sunday's Morning File.

We apologize

We've received a bunch of complaints since the Extreme Makeover Post-Gazette hit the streets two weeks ago, but a woman who called the city desk yesterday had us cold. Her gripe pertained to the local news section: "It's got too much news."

Poets' corner
"There once was a lady from Carrick . . ."

	Stacy Innerst, Post-Gazette Click illustration for larger image.

Oh, never mind. But tomorrow is National Limerick Day, and we need to get a head-start. We know this from Sal Greco, an actor and author who lives in the North Hills and is very much into limericks.

What, don't know what a limerick is? We'll show, not tell, with this classic from Ogden Nash:

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
"Let us fly!" said the flea!
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Give him a little information, Greco says, and he can write a customized limerick in 10 minutes, maybe not as good as Ogden's but respectable. Greco will create limericks on demand at Enrico's Tazza D'oro Cafe & Espresso Bar, 1125 N. Highland Ave., Highland Park, through a long lunch hour tomorrow from 10 to 2. Donations will go to the Butler Association for Retarded Citizens, as will any money he raises at other joints that extend an invite.

We came across a couple of Pittsburgh limericks on The Omnificent English Dictionary In Limerick Form Web site, www.oedilf.com. This one's from a poet named Chris Doyle:

There's a river whose waters will wend
From New York into Pittsburgh, my friend.
There it joins the Ohio,
Completing its bio.
The name's Allegheny. The End.

And from one Jane Auerbach, who may or may not be writing from experience.

In Pittsburgh I dated a Steeler
Though appealing, a real wheeler-dealer.
He sometimes was sued
For acting quite lewd,
But he always got off, the appealer.

Now it's your turn. Got a limerick of your own construction that you'd like to share with the rest of the class? Send it to page2@post-gazette.com or Portfolio, 34 Blvd. of the Allies, Pittsburgh 15222.