Stacy Innerst, Post-Gazette Click illustration for larger image.

Recent headline in the Daily Telegraph of London: "Flying sausage breaks driver's nose." Now, most of us would have dismissed it as one more run-of-the-mill "flying sausage breaks driver's nose" story, but not humorist Craig Brown. The Telegraph columnist saw poetry, as in haiku. Here is the 36-word item in its entirety: "A frozen sausage thrown through the open window of a car broke the driver's nose. It was hurled from a car traveling in the opposite direction in South Woodham Ferrers, Essex, on Monday. Police are investigating." Wrote Brown: "If only the uncredited author had written it with parentheses in the title, an absence of capital letters and foreshortened lines, he would now be up for a major poetry award, or, at very least, an Arts Council grant."

Wildlife transportation news
A turkey -- a real one not some idiot driver -- briefly fowled the Pittsburgh transportation system during morning rush hour yesterday. The turkey wandered into the Fort Pitt Tunnel outbound at about 7. PennDOT closed it down for about five minutes while workers chased the wild bird out. "It must have come off the hillside," PennDOT spokesman Steve Marsinko said. "Or else it took the wrong ramp." No word about any Breathalyzer test.

A few weeks ago, the Port Authority had to delay a bus Downtown, while a fare deadbeat was carted off. It seems a young raccoon was curled up behind the driver's seat. A rider getting off spotted it. The raccoon wasn't talking, but the theory is, it wandered onto the bus while it was parked overnight at the Ross garage.

Just say no
Which does more damage to your IQ -- e-mail or pot, as in marijuana? Too easy, I know. Internet regulars know the mind-bending, brain-curdling nature of e-mail, and that's not even counting spam. Now science has established this beyond any doubt. This should silence the apologists who say that e-mail is harmless and non-addictive. And e-mail is clearly a gateway to other time-wasters. The constant interruptions by e-mails, phone calls and text messages reduce productivity and leave people feeling tired and lethargic, according to a survey of 1,100 Britons commissioned by Hewlett Packard. The IQ of those who tried to juggle messages and work fell by 10 points -- the equivalent of missing a night's sleep and more than double the four-point IQ fall seen after smoking marijuana. Put that in your bong and smoke it.

Immersion journalism
Two journalists for the Kalamazoo (Mich.) Gazette got canned for doing a little too much research about drinking among young adults. The reporter and photographer had attended a couple of parties to observe a drinking game called "beer-pong." After their series was published, they revealed they did their share of drinking, according to Editor & Publisher magazine. Life-long Morning File reader Michael Murphy of Munhall, who alerted us to the item, believes firing the pair was too severe in light of, say, journalistic crimes committed at The New York Times. "At least they went to the beer-pong party," Murphy said. "Jayson Blair would've gotten hammered in his basement."

The NFL SATs
Steelers No. 1 draft pick Heath Miller is big and fast, with hands the size of one of Jupiter's moons, but is he smart? Well, duh. Miller scored better on the Wonderlic Personnel Test than all but two players taken in this year's draft, according to www.nfldraftscout.com. The test is a 12-minute paper-pencil analysis of reasoning ability, given to corporate job applicants and others entering intellectually challenging occupations -- NFL football, for example. Miller's score of 39 correct (out of 50) was well higher than last year's score (25) for quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Testing isn't everything, of course -- Giants' QB Eli Manning (39), the phenom taken ahead of Big Ben, had a miserable rookie season. Bill Jones, of Sweden, Maine, figured quarterbacks averaged only second best among the positions, with tight ends like Miller third. The best test takers? Centers. Worst: wide receivers.

Web Watch: Extreme ironing
Sane people take a pass on extreme sports, but here's one for you domestic types: Extreme Ironing, which combines the excitement of an extreme sport with the satisfaction of freshly ironed clothes. The concept is so obvious it's amazing nobody thought of it before. You take an iron and an ironing board to a remote location and iron a few items of clothing. This could be a mountainside, a forest, in a canoe, while skiing or snowboarding, on top of large bronze statues, even when snorkeling. Actually forget the snorkeling.

If you think we're making this up, let us establish credibility with two words: It's British. And to answer your next question, yes, there is Synchronized Extreme Ironing as well as solo. The sport was started in Leicester, England, by one Phil Shaw, who goes by the EI nickname "Steam." Shaw embarked on an international tour to promote the sport in 1999. Three years later, the first World Championship was held near Munich. The EI crowd disowns an alleged breakaway group, Urban Housework, which promotes Extreme Vacuuming. Says the EI Web site: "This sport has been considered unethical by most, as it alters the environment, disrupting the natural decay of plant matter to help re-fertilize the earth."

Churches, by the numbers

April has been all-pope-news all the time and with good reason. There are a lot of Roman Catholics -- almost 1.2 billion, or one of every six people on the planet. One of every three people is Christian. Here are the stats for the U.S.

Top 15 Christian Churches in the U.S.

1. The Catholic Church, 67,259,768
2. Southern Baptist Convention, 16,439,603
3. The United Methodist Church, 8,251,175
4. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, (Mormons) 5,503,192
5. The Church of God in Christ, 5,449,875
6. National Baptist Convention, U.S.A., 5,000,000
7. Evangelical Lutheran Church in America 4,984,925
8. National Baptist Convention of America, 3,500,000
9. Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.), 3,241,309
10. Assemblies of God, 2,729,562
11. African Methodist Episcopal Church, 2,500,000
12. National Missionary Baptist Convention of America, 2,500,000
13. Progressive National Baptist Convention, 2,500,000
14. The Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod (LCMS), 2,488,936
15. Episcopal Church, 2,320,221

Source: "The Yearbook of American and Canadian Churches"