Say whatever you want about Alan Keyes. A perennial loser when it comes to political office, he's nothing if not ruthlessly consistent when it comes to gay people.

Now, it doesn't matter whether you're Democrat or Republican in Alan Keyes' world -- if you're gay, you'd best stay the hell out of his way.

When Keyes ran against Democrat Barack Obama in Illinois for the U.S. Senate seat last year, he took time from yet another losing campaign to insult the lesbian daughter of the vice president of the United States.

Asked to comment on the politically ticklish subject of Mary Cheney, Keyes originally tried to take his version of the high road: "The essence of family life remains procreation," he told SIRIUS satellite radio. "If we embrace homosexuality as a proper basis for marriage, we are saying that it's possible to have a marriage state that in principal excludes procreation and is based simply on the premise of selfish hedonism."

With a setup like that, how could any self-respecting reporter resist asking whether Mary Cheney was a "selfish hedonist" in Keyes' political demonology?

"That goes by definition," Keyes said. "Of course she is."

What followed sounded like a non sequitur:

"If my daughter were a lesbian, I'd look at her and say, 'That is a relationship that is based on selfish hedonism.' I would also tell my daughter that it's a sin and she needs to pray to the Lord God to help her deal with that sin."

Needless to say, Vice President Dick Cheney, aka his Dark Satanic Majesty, did not campaign for Alan Keyes.

Now it turns out that Keyes' "profile in courage" had roots in his own domestic drama. It turns out that Maya, his 19-year-old daughter, is a self-described "liberal queer," a fact that Keyes has known for a while.

Leave it to Keyes to figure out a new twist on "family values." He and his wife Jocelyn wasted no time in kicking Maya out of the house when she refused to repent of her selfish hedonism. Keyes also stopped paying her tuition to Brown University and kicked her off the staff of his crackerjack political organization.

Maya is technically homeless, but a gay rights organization has stepped in to help with tuition and living expenses. Yesterday, Maya spoke at a gay rights rally in Annapolis, Md., which must have been the spiritual equivalent of sprinkling holy water on a vampire as far as her father is concerned.

Is there a moral to this story? Let's see: Newt Gingrich's sister is gay. Eagle Forum harridan Phyllis Schlafly's son is gay. Mary Cheney, Coors flak and daughter of Mr. & Mrs. Satan, is gay. Family values are getting a real workout in the GOP these days.

Asked about Keyes kicking his own daughter to the curb, Steve Glassman, chairman of the Pennsylvania Human Relations Commission, could barely contain his I-told-you-so:

"I think this calls into question the legitimacy of the claim by the Right that they're the keeper of family values," he said wryly. "It's an extraordinary overreaction. Abandoning one's child certainly doesn't follow the tenets of Jesus."

Yeah, but Jesus never had the heartbreak of raising a gay child, now did he, Mr. Glassman? Given a choice between maintaining a narrow-minded consistency and loving a child, the choice is clear -- send the kid packing in the name of all that is holy. If anything, gay kids should be grateful we're not living under the Old Testament covenant, or else we could legitimately stone them to death and save the expense of sending them to a liberal university.

For her part, Maya Keyes is stuck in denial. In an interview with The Washington Post, she said: "Most parents would be thrilled to have a child who doesn't smoke, have sex, do drugs, hardly drinks, does well in school, gets good grades, gets into the Ivy League, goes regularly to church, spends free time mentoring kids."

Sounds like Maya Keyes is trying to earn her parents' love by being a good daughter and citizen. Clearly, she's a legalist when it comes to love. Doesn't she know that the wages of sin is social ostracism?

If Alan Keyes ever runs for Grand Inquisitor, he'll have my vote.