As political tableaux go, this one was more surreal than most. New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey was announcing his pending resignation in the wake of a homosexual affair and blackmail attempt. At his side was his wife, Dina Matos McGreevey, mother of the couple's 2-year-old daughter, smiling up at her husband in an eerily dissociative manner while he spoke the words, "I am a gay American."

	Ted Crow, Post-Gazette Click photo for larger image.

With that, Dina McGreevey, two weeks ago today, became the nation's most prominent symbol of an increasingly apparent phenomenon in American family life: straight spouses forced to deal with the aftermath of gay or lesbian mates coming out of the closet.

"I've been waiting for some prominent married figure to come out, but I never expected it would happen with both spouses seen together on national TV," said Amity Pierce Buxton, author of "The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis of Straight Spouses and Families."

"So often the straight spouse is overlooked, minimized and brushed aside," said Buxton, whose own husband came out in 1983, and who founded the Straight Spouse Network (www.ssnetwk.org) to help others in the same predicament.

"I know it was hard for Dina McGreevey, but boy, am I glad she was there in the spotlight. It made people realize that any time a married person comes out, there's a straight spouse who's affected. It's a family matter."

Betrayal and anger

No one knows how many gays and lesbians are married to unsuspecting spouses. By Buxton's accounting, the number could be as high as 2 million, based on the incidence of homosexuality in the population and the estimated percentage of those who marry.

Some closeted spouses will never come out, for the same reasons that led them to marry in the first place -- a desire to fit in, to have a family and children, denial of their sexuality, fear of stigmatization.

	Resources The Pittsburgh Straight Spouse Support Network may be reached through the local chapter of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays at 412-833-4556 or PFLAGpgh@juno.com. To reach the Straight Spouse Network, visit www.ssnetwk.org or telephone 1-510-525-0200.

Often they feel real love for their spouses, but in many cases their sexuality eventually wins out. When a spouse reveals the truth -- when s/he is caught like McGreevey or simply cannot live with deception -- the straight partner's reaction can be similar to that of someone whose mate has a heterosexual affair.

"There are the same feelings of shock, betrayal, anger, confusion and grief," said Lisa Schwartz, a Bucks County psychotherapist who specializes in sexuality issues and has counseled a number of straight spouses. "The main difference is that they're also dealing with homophobia. Who is it safe to share this information with? What do they tell the children?"

Nancy Meyer Fitzgerald, who runs a Pittsburgh support group for straight spouses, said her husband's admission in the early 1980s left her isolated with the couple's 18-month-old son.

"I felt my husband had died, but there was no ritual, no receiving line where I could say what happened," said the Edgewood resident. "He feared for his job if anyone found out, so I stuffed it until my son went to high school and I went to a meeting of PFLAG [Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays]."

A wife rejected for another woman, or a husband rejected for another man, may at least try to win a spouse back. But a straight spouse can't vie with a partner's gay or lesbian lover.

"You can't compete by losing weight or working on your biceps," Buxton said. "You just don't have the right equipment."

It's not unheard of for couples to knowingly enter gay-straight marriages, as was the case with Cole Porter and his wife, Linda. But for spouses who've been deceived, the age of HIV/AIDS brings the added nightmare of having been put at risk by the person who's supposed to care about them the most.

"My husband said he didn't have any physical relationships before he came out to me, but once the trust is gone you don't know what to believe. I've had the whole battery of tests, and I'm fine so far, but I still have to be retested. That's really embarrassing."

So said a 44-year-old mother of two from the South Hills, who asked that her name not be used because her husband still hasn't told his parents he's gay, even though he came out to his wife five years ago. The couple just separated in the spring and are now getting a divorce.

"It's been a constant roller coaster of feeling angry, betrayed and sorry for him. He wants to stay together but also have his gay life and raise his kids. But what about me? I'm married but have had no physical relationship for years. I don't want to go on that way."

Writing their own scripts

Buxton, of El Cerrito, Calif., said she has talked with thousands of straight spouses through the network. Wives call more often, but recently the volume of men has risen from 20 percent to 40 percent. "I don't know if more lesbian wives are coming out or more straight husbands are willing to get help."

	Daniel Hulshizer, Associated Press Dina Matos McGreevey, who is married to New Jersey Gov. James. E. McGreevey, holds the couple's daughter, Jacqueline, in this 2002 photo. Gov. McGreevey announced two weeks ago that he is gay and had an affair with a man. He said he will resign on Nov. 15. Click photo for larger image.

Once the truth is known, she said, about a third of couples break up right away. Another third stay together awhile and then separate. The last third try to make the marriage work, but only half of them are still together after three years.

"They write their own scripts," Buxton said. "Some stay monogamous, some stay celibate. Sometimes the one who came out develops a special relationship on the side. Sometimes there's an open marriage for both.

"There are gay husbands who can stay sexually active with their wives to express love for them, even though they don't feel passion. To those wives, what the men do matters more than what they are."

Straight spouses who don't get over their anger may become vengeful or paralyzed with fear, Buxton said. But those who work through their pain, which may take years, can come to sympathize with their ex's anguish and remain close friends. Some end up blaming the social pressures of homophobia as much as or more than their partner.

"Other people are sometimes surprised at this, but straight spouses can be the advocates for acceptance of homosexuality," Buxton said. "They don't want anyone else to be as hurt as they were."

How could you not know?

Once their partner comes out, straight spouses often look back and realize that the revelation explains a lot about their marriage.

Mark Zingarelli, an illustrator who lives in North Huntingdon, was married to his first wife for 13 years. Unable to have children, they developed increasing trouble in the bedroom, he said. "She was just not interested." At one point he asked if she might be a lesbian.

"Her reaction was 'How dare you!' " he recalled. "She was very offended and didn't even consider it."

Then she had a stroke and wound up using a wheelchair. Her old friends felt awkward around her, Zingarelli said. But a woman at work took an interest, and the two had a brief affair. When he confronted her, she admitted it.

They divorced, she moved to Seattle, and he married again 15 years ago and now has three children. "At first I felt a certain amount of betrayal, but her finally admitting her own homosexuality answered a lot of questions in our marriage," Zingarelli said.

"She wasn't living a lie, she just hadn't realized it. The stroke put her in touch with her own mortality, and she was less fearful about examining how things had been.

"I was happy she was able to find her true self and make a different life."

Half in, half out

Fear of repercussions sometimes keeps gay spouses closeted in other parts of their lives, even after they've come out to their partners. That pulls the straight spouse into the closet with them.

"Most people know about my husband, but he's a teacher in a small town and isn't sure how some of the parents would react," said Brenda McDowell of Churchill, who asked to be identified by her maiden name to shield her husband.

Why did he marry in the first place?

"I believed it when people said that if you found the right woman, all that stuff would go away," said her husband. "I definitely found the right woman. Brenda is my best friend; I couldn't have asked for a better person to be married to."

But, he said, his attraction to other men didn't go away.

His parents, however, did. Deeply religious, they moved to North Carolina rather than deal with their son's sexual identity.

After learning the truth, McDowell said, she cried for weeks. How could he have deceived her for the first 13 years of their marriage, letting her go on feeling so undesirable?

"Whenever I'd want sex, he'd say, 'It's not you, it's me.' But of course I thought it was me, that I wasn't woman enough. So when he came out, it was actually a relief. It really was him."

The couple quit their church, where the minister often preached against homosexuality, and have been welcomed into a different church where their situation is known.

Although living apart, they are among the 15 percent of couples who've remained married. Two weeks ago they celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary.

"This way we can protect each other," said McDowell.

"If anything happens to him, I'll be making the decisions instead of his parents. And I don't have a great track record with men. Being married keeps me from making another stupid mistake."

Her husband still comes to all her family's functions and has even brought a boyfriend. But McDowell realizes they are in a small minority and wouldn't wish a gay-straight marriage on anyone.

High-profile stories like the McGreeveys' may prompt more closeted spouses to come out, causing more family pain. McDowell believes legalizing gay marriage would be a big step toward minimizing that kind of trauma.

The only solution at present, Buxton said, is for fewer gays and lesbians to marry straight spouses in the first place.

"I just wish the publicity would encourage people to accept their homosexuality and have the courage to face it before they get married."