Almost five years ago, when I read the basic plot for a new TV program called "Survivor," I predicted it would be "sick, twisted and no doubt destined for high ratings."

I was right, of course, but absolutely wrong when I envisioned Mayor Tom Murphy as a contestant, fashioning tiny bamboo models of upscale department stores with the tax increment financing kit he'd smuggled ashore. No, it would be other Western Pennsylvanians who would ride "Survivor" to fame and fortune.

Amber Brkich, of Brighton, Beaver County, and Jenna Morasca, of South Fayette, are truly a pair of only-in-America stories. Or at least a pair of only-in-an-Amazonian-rain-forest-or-off-the-coast-of-Panama-with-other-Americans stories.

I confess I'm at a loss to analyze their victories because I don't watch "Survivor." I caught the last show of the first season, when a Wisconsin truck driver in a tank top gave this wonderfully crazed, malicious and vengeful speech, like nothing I'd heard outside the Mark Madden show, and I didn't figure it could ever get any better than that. I've been pretty much off the reality shows since, though I occasionally do catch that show where people are forced to eat slugs and hang from skyscrapers -- unless there's something good on "Masterpiece Theatre," of course.

Anyway, it struck me that Pittsburgh is once again the City of Champions with Brkich and Morasca. Purists may scoff, but if we eliminated all games that were riddled with deceit, greed and back-stabbing, there wouldn't be much to watch on ESPN, either.

Some 25 million people watched the last hour of "Survivor: All-Stars" Sunday night, almost twice as many as the number who watched the last baseball All-Star game. Worrying about who wins "Survivor" is no more or less irrational than Pirates fans worrying about whether Raul Mondesi gets off his island, so we might as well run with what we have. It beats waiting for the Pirates, Steelers or Penguins to be fitted for championship rings.

Besides, we can lay other claims to being the reality-show City of Champions. There is hardly a two-bit, schlocky, no-actor show in this great land that hasn't lugged its cameras to Pittsburgh in the past two years. Just check this list of 16 slow-biz extravaganzas that have filmed, or soon will film, here in the Paris of Appalachia:

"Trading Spaces," "Perfect Proposal," "A Makeover Story," "Street Smarts," "Ambush Makeover," "ElimiDate," "The Joe Schmo Show," "Food Fight," "Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica Season 2," "Wild Moments," "Trauma Life in the ER," "Into Character," "MTV High School Stories," "MTV Choose or Lose," "Switched'' and "The Swap.''

One premise is more bizarre than the next. "Trading Spaces'' on TLC has neighbors trade houses, where they redo rooms. (Watching paint dry -- America can't get enough.) "Ambush Makover" on TLC is coming Downtown next week to grab badly groomed folks off the street and make them presentable. (Somebody watch my back.) Matt Kennedy Gould, of Mt. Lebanon, won $100,000 and a trip to Tahiti on Spike TV's "Joe Schmo'' last year. (Turn yourself in at The Andy Warhol Museum, Matt. Your 15 minutes of fame are up.)

How can we not revel in such reflected glory? Just think how much our economy benefits from these overnight stays by five-person crews shooting us at our most unreal. Why, their stops at convenience stores alone must be worth upwards of hundreds of dollars.

But the real boon could come from getting Brkich and that Boston Rob fiance of hers to buy a nice house and settle here. Forget Boston. That city won the Super Bowl last year. It wouldn't be nearly as excited to have them.

Can we get three cheers for that?

How 'bout two?

One?

OK, forget it. Just hand me the remote. One of my neighbors must be on TV tonight somewhere.