It took about three weeks after her husband's death for Rennie Green to experience the emotional crash.

Daniel Marsula, Post-Gazette Click photo for larger image. Related article: Book offers advice for talking to those facing disease, death

She didn't even cry initially over the loss of her soulmate for 57 years. They'd been together since meeting at a dance in Oakland soon after Everett Green's return from World War II combat.

After his November 2002 death from stroke, she steadily handled his funeral and burial, wrote all the thank-you notes and contacted all of the official agencies that needed to know. Then Green began the suffering that grief counselors frequently associate with a loved one's death.

The retired schoolteacher from Wilkins couldn't eat or sleep. She lost 15 pounds. She rejected the company of other family members over the holidays.Many days,

Many days, she lacked the desire to get out of bed for anyone or anything. She felt she was going crazy.

"Truthfully, I wanted to commit suicide. I didn't want to be here," said Green, now 78.

Her interest in her four children and 13 grandchildren kept her from acting on such thoughts, but the morose feelings signaled a need for help. She began private therapy with a licensed social worker and peer discussions with a volunteer from the Good Grief Center for Bereavement Support in Munhall.

They explained that her emotions were a natural part of grieving. She wasn't insane at all. With such reassurances, her recovery began.

Some people need more help handling a loved one's death than friends and family can provide. Plenty of paid and free advisors can assist, including psychologists, social workers, counselors, nurses, clergy, funeral directors, hospice workers and more. Those fields are all represented in the Association of Death Education and Counseling, which holds its national convention this week at the Pittsburgh Hilton and Towers Downtown.

About 400 professionals interested in bereavement will attend workshops such as "Dying by E-mail: Anticipatory Grief in the 21st Century," and "Hypnosis for Terminal Care: Easing the Passage to Death." The association exists partly to set standards and offer credentials certifying professionals in the field of thanatology -- the study of death.

It's a growing field, as some of America's traditional reluctance to acknowledge death has diminished. Self-help books and college courses on the topic have proliferated. Funeral homes and hospice services increasingly arrange support groups for mourning clients.

The Good Grief Center opened as a one-stop referral source for the region in 2001. Before that, the Highmark Caring Place started its free Downtown center for grieving families with children.

		More information The Association of Death Education and Counseling conference runs Friday through Sunday at the Pittsburgh Hilton and Towers, with professional development courses held tomorrow and Thursday. For information, check the association's Web site at www.adec.org Psychologist and certified thanatologist Lillian Meyers will give a talk on "Mourning Our Losses Across the Life Cycle," as the main speaker for the Funeral Consumers Alliance of Western Pennsylvania annual meeting, at 2 p.m. May 16 at First Unitarian Church, Morewood and Ellsworth avenues in Shadyside. The public is invited. Among local resources: Referrals and support from the Good Grief Center for Bereavement Support, located in the Carnegie Library of Homestead in Munhall, can be obtained by calling 412-461-1776. The Highmark Caring Place provides free services assisting families that have experienced death. Call 412-544-3000.

"Just like it's more kosher these days to talk about politics, religion and sex, it's also easier and more kosher to talk about death," said Randall Hoedeman, interim executive director of the Pittsburgh Pastoral Institute, which offers counseling for a fee.

Revising standards

Recognizing the changes taking place -- such as the growth of hospice care, ethical debates over right-to-die questions and mass grieving over disasters like the Sept. 11 attacks -- the association last year overhauled its credentialing test and standards that had been in place since the 1980s.

Gordon Thornton, an Indiana University of Pennsylvania psychology professor who teaches courses on death-related topics, said professionals and the public alike increasingly recognize the value of working through grief as a painstaking process.

"At one time the theory was, you've got to get over it, you've buried them and you have to move on," said Thornton, a past president of the Association of Death Education and Counseling. "Now you recognize that for some people, keeping the connection is very important. You light a candle for them, you use pictures of them, you talk about them every day, and that's not pathological."

Even with the heightened awareness, or perhaps because of it, a big grief-related question remains: Who needs help and who doesn't? Or, what's normal for a survivor and what isn't?

Experts on the topic hate such questions. They stress that the response is different for everyone, and varies according to the nature of the death and the age of the deceased. It may be much harder for a middle-aged person to cope with the unexpected loss of a child than the death by natural causes of a parent.

In most cases, friends and relatives offer the necessary support. Medication helps some who have clinical depression accompanying the grief, but people can't count on quick fixes, said East Liberty bereavement counselor Barbara Coyne.

"I try to teach that grief is not something you cure," said Coyne, a former critical care nurse who supervises three support groups. "You learn to live with the many changes that happen to you when someone you are connected with dies."

She said it's natural for people to become tired and lose ability to concentrate when working through their sorrow. Sleeping and eating habits are disturbed. Crying becomes common. Such disruptions typically recede within a year.

She's used to people calling her who think they're "going crazy," often influenced by acquaintances giving well-intentioned but unhelpful advice that they're dwelling too long on the loss and need to get over it.

Finding your path

Many specialists recommend that troubled individuals first seek free help. Someone with short-term needs might consult with clergy. Someone who just needs to open up to like-minded individuals might join a support group. When those options don't work, they might try one-on-one therapy -- typically from a psychologist, social worker or counselor, all fields in which individuals must obtain state licensing. Sometimes, but not always, insurance covers the counseling costs.

The Good Grief Center has a referral list of 37 therapists experienced in death counseling. Executive director Lulu Orr acknowledges that there are many others who could be worthwhile. Some would have a background in death-related issues certified by the national association, but most experts say that's not essential. What's more important, they say, is to feel comfortable having someone with whom to open up freely.

"We've had people tell us they were referred to Dr. so-and-so with several degrees, but there was no chemistry there. They did them no good at all," Orr said. "If you can find a person you click with, you feel safe with, that's the most important thing."

Firsthand experience with grieving probably is beneficial to a therapist in advising clients, she said. The Good Grief Center volunteers who have lost loved ones and who offer help by listening. They are not professional counselors, but make referrals to therapists and to support groups.

Rennie Green is one of those volunteers, returning the peer help once given her at the center.

"I always felt I was a real strong person, but for a while I wondered if I was," she said, remembering many days of tears and hours lingering around the death-and-dying section of the bookstore. "I tried everything that could help me. I don't want to pat myself on the back, but I worked through it."