This isn't the Ray-duhs and the Steel Curtain. This isn't an Immaculate Reception and a "criminal element." This isn't Terry Bradshaw against the Mad Stork, Ted Hendricks. This isn't Ken Stabler against the clock, Lynn Swann against Jack Tatum, even Comeback Kordell Stewart against Jon Gruden's geriatric wing.

This is the Dumbest Team in America against the NFL's Biggest Disappointment of 2003.

Now there's a marketing campaign for CBS.

If you think Mike Wallace's program can be excruciating, check out these 60 minutes.

Sunday brings us 3-9 Oakland vs. 4-8 Pittsburgh with Gus Johnson and Brent Jones.

That prompts the broadcasting question: What did they do wrong?

"I thought we had that last week, with the Buffalo-Giants game," Jones said yesterday, referring to this week's version of the 2003 Classic Underachievers Bowl. "I have to say, this game is right there."

Sure, Steelers Nation is used to Johnson and Jones. They worked a steady dose of games the past few years, though you folks who turn down the TV sound and turn up Mahrn, Bill and Tunch wouldn't know it. They hardly rank as the network's first team or second team, but they've been a harbinger. They did the bulk of the Ravens games the year they won the Super Bowl, then the Patriots, next the Steelers ("I was feeling pretty good about them, but it didn't happen," Jones said). This season, they've been all over Tennessee.

But they must have hacked off some network executive to merit such a plumbing assignment as Raiders-Steelers '03.

Beasley Reece doesn't even deserve this.

Gee, never thought I'd type that sentence.

"Both these defenses used to scare you," Jones said of opponents. "Now they scare only their fans."

What this game cries out for is a broadcast crew to match these two teams' performances thus far. This game requires a couple of truly Classic Underachievers, such as: Anna Kournikova and Jessica Simpson's husband (musically speaking), Barry Bonds' homeopathic trainer and Lawrence Taylor's drug counselor, or maybe even Jimmy Johnson's barber and Deion Sanders' image consultant. But at least Jones knows the drill as well as anybody.

He's a Bay Area resident. He's a onetime Steeler and a longtime 49ers and hardly a first-time caller to Heinz Field. He has worked good football games and bad, and he can smell what these two teams are cooking.

"Man, what has gone on this year? That's my old team," he said of the Steelers. "I used to have my finger on the pulse. I guess this is a good year not to be around."

Jones gets the short straw that, back in the spring when Paul Tagliabue's merry band of schedulemakers drew up this, must have had Greg Gumbel-Phil Simms written all over it. He says he would've fought all-comers for the chance to broadcast Oakland-Pittsburgh the way it looked until September. Now he's unchallenged: This dud is all his.

"It's more definable with the Raiders, what happened," Jones tried to explain. "They lost Jerry Porter [to an abdominal strain], so they had no vertical stretch. Teams sat on their receivers at 10 to 12 yards, so they had nowhere to throw the ball. They lost their best run-stopper, John Parella [to a groin injury]. Their run defense wasn't great before, but without him it turned to dog meat. You combine those with injuries and 'the dumbest team in America'... you look at their penalties and turnovers, and it's true.

"The Steelers, early on the lack of a running threat accounted for a lot of the pressure on Tommy Maddox. And the offensive line has not performed up to its potential. The other thing, regardless of what the offense has done, is: Where has the defense been? We've been saying that for a couple of years now. They're not winning games with defense anymore. If I was a Steeler fan, that would be my biggest concern ...

"Sorry if I'm too sarcastic."

Yeah, anybody who uses a fraction of his or her brain to read this column knows how much this space despises sarcasm.

Six times these proud franchises have collided in the postseason. Six more times they have tussled in the season opener or early September. Six times they have confronted one another after Thanksgiving, in games rife with playoff implications for one or both. Raiders-Steelers has given us frozen fields and concussive hits and Chuck Noll's unveiling of a one-back offense long before Joe Gibbs tried it (and his one back was never named "Boobie," as in Harrison).

Now this.

By the way, Bill Callahan's remark this week about his Raiders being "the dumbest team in America?"

T.J. Simers of the Los Angeles Times had the best perspective on that: Just like the Raiders to think they're the best at everything.

Hmmmm. Maybe we've stumbled upon a network theme there.

Stupid Sunday.