Uncle Sam is talking to his psychiatrist, Dr. Poppy Pill, about Sam’s propensity to get involved in unhealthy relationships:
Sam: When I moved out two years ago I thought it was over. I even took my underwear and toy soldier collection.
Doc: Didn’t I warn you that Irene was trouble?
Sam: Her name is Iraq, not Irene.
Doc: Irene, Iraq ... your relationships make me Irate!
Sam: I’m only moving back in for a few months.
Doc: Are you attracted to her because she comes from oil money? Is that what is driving your obsession?
Sam: Money has nothing to do with it. She hooked up with this mean guy who wants to kill her, and she asked for my help.
Doc: Didn’t you go through this before, when she was bullied by that guy with the mustache? You said you were moving in for a few months and you ended up staying for eight years!
Sam: This time is different.
Doc: If you believe that I have some Chicago Cubs playoff tickets to sell you. ... The two of you have been going back and forth like this for 25 years. Why not get married?
Sam: I can’t marry her, she’s nuts!
Doc: What happened with the other women you were seeing, like Libby?
Sam: You mean Libya. She dumped some guy for me, but then got involved with a bad crowd.
Doc: How did things turn out with Sara?
Sam: I think you mean Syria. I took your advice and stayed away from her. She was too unstable, even for me.
Doc: And that Iranian girl who was threatening you?
Sam: I arranged an intervention with some of her European friends, to get a grip on her explosive personality.
Doc: My diagnosis is that you have co-dependency with volatile women. You also have GU disorder.
Sam: What’s GU?
Doc: Geographically Undesirable. Why not date someone close to you, like Canada?
Sam: I went out with her, but she was only interested in me for my pipelines.
Doc: Have you tried online dating?
Sam: If I go online I’m paranoid the NSA will know everything about me.
Doc: By the way, have you divorced that Afghan woman?
Sam: I’m staying at her place, while she works out how to get a protective order against her ex.
Doc: How could you go back to Iraq, when you are still involved with someone else?
Sam: I know, I’m not good at juggling.
Doc: Iraq, Iran, Afghan... you need to focus. I’m writing you a prescription for ADD medication.
Sam: One more thing. I’ve been having nightmares about the Vietnamese girl I used to see.
Doc: Save it for next session. I have some Ukranian patients waiting outside for family therapy, so we have to end. ... Here’s my bill.
Sam: Why so much?
Doc: With the new health care law, I am no longer in your network.
Ben Krull is a freelance writer based in New York City (email@example.com).