Uncle Sam on the couch

Uncle Sam is talking to his psychiatrist, Dr. Poppy Pill, about Sam’s propensity to get involved in unhealthy relationships

Share with others:


Print Email Read Later

Uncle Sam is talking to his psychiatrist, Dr. Poppy Pill, about Sam’s propensity to get involved in unhealthy relationships:

Sam: When I moved out two years ago I thought it was over. I even took my underwear and toy soldier collection.

Doc: Didn’t I warn you that Irene was trouble?

Sam: Her name is Iraq, not Irene.

Doc: Irene, Iraq ... your relationships make me Irate!

Sam: I’m only moving back in for a few months.

Doc: Are you attracted to her because she comes from oil money? Is that what is driving your obsession?

Sam: Money has nothing to do with it. She hooked up with this mean guy who wants to kill her, and she asked for my help.

Doc: Didn’t you go through this before, when she was bullied by that guy with the mustache? You said you were moving in for a few months and you ended up staying for eight years!

Sam: This time is different.

Doc: If you believe that I have some Chicago Cubs playoff tickets to sell you. ... The two of you have been going back and forth like this for 25 years. Why not get married?

Sam: I can’t marry her, she’s nuts!

Doc: What happened with the other women you were seeing, like Libby?

Sam: You mean Libya. She dumped some guy for me, but then got involved with a bad crowd.

Doc: How did things turn out with Sara?

Sam: I think you mean Syria. I took your advice and stayed away from her. She was too unstable, even for me.

Doc: And that Iranian girl who was threatening you?

Sam: I arranged an intervention with some of her European friends, to get a grip on her explosive personality.

Doc: My diagnosis is that you have co-dependency with volatile women. You also have GU disorder.

Sam: What’s GU?

Doc: Geographically Undesirable. Why not date someone close to you, like Canada?

Sam: I went out with her, but she was only interested in me for my pipelines.

Doc: Have you tried online dating?

Sam: If I go online I’m paranoid the NSA will know everything about me.

Doc: By the way, have you divorced that Afghan woman?

Sam: I’m staying at her place, while she works out how to get a protective order against her ex.

Doc: How could you go back to Iraq, when you are still involved with someone else?

Sam: I know, I’m not good at juggling.

Doc: Iraq, Iran, Afghan... you need to focus. I’m writing you a prescription for ADD medication.

Sam: One more thing. I’ve been having nightmares about the Vietnamese girl I used to see.

Doc: Save it for next session. I have some Ukranian patients waiting outside for family therapy, so we have to end. ... Here’s my bill.

Sam: Why so much?

Doc: With the new health care law, I am no longer in your network.

Ben Krull is a freelance writer based in New York City (ben@krull.com).



Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement

You have 2 remaining free articles this month

Try unlimited digital access

If you are an existing subscriber,
link your account for free access. Start here

You’ve reached the limit of free articles this month.

To continue unlimited reading

If you are an existing subscriber,
link your account for free access. Start here