After reading about the local fast food franchise where heroin was being supplied to buyers via Happy Meal boxes when drive-thru customers asked for a "toy," one wonders if that was really such a good idea.
On a busy Saturday afternoon when lots of families might be coming through the drive-thru and ordering actual food for kids, isn't there potential for confusion? Admittedly, The Morning File staff lacks experts on heroin transactions who would really know, but we're wondering if the conversation through the speaker box could have gone like this recently:
Employee: Can I take your order?
Car 1: I'd like two cheeseburgers, french fries, a kids meal and a vanilla milkshake.
Employee: Do you want a toy with your kids meal?
Car 1: Sure, whatever. Whatever you put in there.
Employee: I'm sorry, m'am -- just to be clear, do you want a toy, or do you want a toy?
Car 1: Excuse me?
Employee: I think you just want a real toy then. That'll be $11.49. Please pull up to the first window. ... Hello, can I take your order?
Car 2: Give me one of those kids meals with a toy.
Employee: You're sure? You said you want a toy, right? A special toy?
Car 2: Yeah, I need a toy really bad. Give me a toy fast! My little girl's kicking the back of my seat like crazy.
Employee: Wait, you said your small daughter's with you? But you want a toy anyway?
Car 2: Of course I want a toy when my daughter's with me. You think I want one of your stupid little toys for myself? How does someone like you get hired to an important job like fast food drive-thru order-taker anyway?
Employee: OK, I'm sorry, I get you now -- that'll be $3.99, please pull up to the first window. ... May I take your order please?
Car 3: Yeah, I need a McSmack. Hurry up.
Employee: We don't have anything called that, sir. Would you like anything else?
Car 3: Oh, yeah, I mean a toy. Just a toy.
Employee: No food. Just a toy?
Car 3: That's right, you know what I mean.
Employee: Yes I think I do, sir. Would you like that toy supersized, for a particularly dangerous toy experience as part of your, uh, kids meal?
Car 3: No, no, regular is fine.
Employee: Yessir, that'll be $82. Please pull up to the first window. Thank you for your order, and please come again. ... Hello, can I take your order?
Car 4: I'd like your two biggest hamburgers, a chicken sandwich, two really large french fries, an apple pie and a Coke.
Employee: Could I interest you in a kids meal today?
Car 4: I don't know -- what's the toy?
Employee: That depends. We've got a little plastic figurine that has something to do with some animated movie, and then we have something else that's potentially much better. It all depends on how you ask for it, and I can't say much more, as you might be a narc.
Car 4: That's interesting, but I think I'll pass.
Employee: Okie dokie. What size would you like that soda to go with all that food?
Car 4: Oh, just a small. Trying to watch the figure, you know.
Employee: Gotcha, that'll be $21.24 if you'll pull up to the next window. ... Hello, your order please?
Car 5: Some chicken nuggets, please, and lots and lots of heroin.
Employee: I don't think I heard you right -- could you repeat that?
Car 5: I said heroin! Super-size me some heroin!
Employee: Sir, you're at a fast food establishment, and that's not funny. I think you'd better leave.
Car 5: Aw, I was just playing with you. Sorry about the joke. Just a five-piece chicken nuggets and some coffee will be fine.
Employee: OK then, that'll be $4.69. Please pull up.
Car 5: Oh, and I almost forgot, a kids meal with a toy.
Employee: Wait, are you joking again?
Car 5: Joking about what? What's so funny about a kids meal with a toy?
Employee: I don't know. I'm just confused. I don't know who started this crazy ordering system, but I'm going to take my break now. You should probably just go to the fast food place down the street.
Car 5: (to kid in back while driving off) Now what the heck was that all about?
Gary Rotstein: email@example.com or 412-263-1255.