 
|
|||||||||
              
|
The Alternative Oscars
Friday, March 23, 2001 By Todd Lothery, Raleigh News & Observer
John Barrymore once said of the Academy Awards, "This town is filled with hypocritical old biddies who are afraid that if I win, I'll show up drunk to accept it. And I just might."
Barrymore, the 1920s swashbuckler extraordinaire of "Don Juan" and "The Beloved Rogue," never got the chance. Unlike brother Lionel and sister Ethel, who both won Oscars, John was never even nominated.
Though 60 years have passed since Barrymore's last movie, the Oscars are still tarnished by hypocrisy, politics and dunderheaded choices. In just one example from this year, the meddlesome Miramax marketing machine muscled the middling "Chocolat" into the best picture category, slighting such superior films as "Almost Famous" and "You Can Count on Me."
So, in the spirit of the overlooked and the overmedicated, we offer the Alternative Oscars. Let's recognize worthy films and performances that the Academy snubbed this year and predict what the winners might say if they followed Barrymore's suggestion and staggered up to the podium after too many martinis.
We begin, as the Academy does, with best supporting actor. Left out of this admittedly strong category was Philip Seymour Hoffman, a versatile virtuoso who has been lending invaluable support to good ("The Talented Mr. Ripley") and bad ("Patch Adams") movies for years. As legendary rock critic Lester Bangs in "Almost Famous," Hoffman provided emotional support and ethical guidance to the film's protagonist, a teenage budding rock journalist. And, as usual, he nailed the role. Here's how his acceptance speech might go.
"Wow, this is a surprise. I thought maybe Frances, or Kate, but not me, no way Josi. I...I'd like to thank...umm...oh, the hell with it. I'm sorry, but I have to be honest and unmerciful. You know, if DreamWorks would've promoted this film properly...oh, who cares. You movie stars are just like rock stars. You people aren't my friends."
On to best supporting actress, a category which omitted Zhang Ziyi, who should have been nominated for her electrifying performance as the petulant but formidable Jen in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon."
Since the movie is subtitled, Zhang decides to deliver her acceptance speech in Mandarin Chinese. This is a surprise to the Oscar telecast's producer, who scrambles around for a translator. Ang Lee, the "Crouching Tiger" director, listens to Zhang, smiles, nods his head several times, then gets misty-eyed. Everyone else is baffled, especially since Zhang, a little tipsy and knowing she'll probably never be here again, goes on for more than five minutes.
Presenters Juliette Binoche and Michael Caine try to usher her off stage. She takes out Binoche's legs with a lightning-quick move, then lands a blow to Caine's stunned face while saying, in English, "The Cider House don't rule here, bub." She twirls and soars over the crowd and lands back on stage unsteadily, where host Steve Martin, who had been dancing his King Tut dance, subdues her in a headlock.
Two excellent performances were ignored in the best actress race - Gillian Anderson's measured, nuanced Lily Bart in "The House of Mirth" and Icelandic pop star Bjvrk's gut-wrenching turn as a blind factory worker in the musical "Dancer in the Dark." Julia Roberts may be the heavy favorite in this category, but the Alternative Oscar goes to Bjvrk.
"Oh my gosh. After that crazy fight, I really have seen it all. Congratulations to Bob Dylan for beating me out for best song, but frankly, this is a much bitter, I mean better, honor. I...Julia? Are you crying? Julia? Where are you going? Julia? Is that your Wonderbra on the carpet?"
On to best actor and Mark Ruffalo. In "You Can Count on Me," Ruffalo, as a scruffy ne'er-do-well drifter, was even better than his co-star, the Oscar-nominated Laura Linney. And yes, he was better than Tom Hanks, Russell Crowe, Geoffrey Rush, Ed Harris and Javier Bardem, too. So we'll give him the Alternative Oscar, and we'll forgive him for pounding 13 beers this afternoon.
"Man, holy [expletive]. This is awesome, man. I thought you people were all a bunch of [expletive], but I have to admit this is pretty cool. Hey Sammy, I mean Laura, can you believe that Bjvrk chick? Hey Jack, what's up? Man, this is a trip. Hey, what happened to my stash? Man..." (He passes out.)
It's time for the best director award, but our winner, Terence Davies, the British filmmaker whose careful touch was evident in every frame of "The House of Mirth," is absent. Accepting for him is the movie's star, Gillian Anderson. Unfortunately, Gillian, despondent over not being nominated, has been tossing back margaritas since 11 a.m.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you...oh. What I mean is, you people think Scully is the only role I can play? Yeah, right. I'll bet you didn't know that I... God, I have a headache...Mulder, I love you. David, I mean Mulder, I mean Fox, I mean Davey, please come back. This new guy - what's his name? - I can't tolerate him." (Steve Martin, showing his sensitive side, puts his arm around the tearful Anderson and escorts her back stage.)
Finally, the big moment - best picture. The Alternative Oscar goes to "Yi Yi," Taiwanese filmmaker Edward Yang's rich, 3-hour epic of a middle-class family's everyday struggles. Absorbing from start to finish, it has the breadth of a good, thoughtful novel and achieves the kind of compassionate humanity few movies do. But in accepting the award, producers Kawai Shinya and Tsukeda Naoko don't show much compassionate humanity. They follow Zhang Ziyi's lead and speak in Mandarin, and while few know what they're saying, everyone understands their last line, spoken in unison in English: "Crouching Tiger, eat your heart out!"
(Scripps Howard News Service)
|
||||||||
