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Thursday, January 24, 2002

By L.A. Johnson, Post-Gazette Staff Writer

Good manners never go out of style.

	Wisdom from The Etiquette Grrls

Unfortunately, many of today's twentysomethings don't remember when etiquette was in.

"It's sort of sad that people my age are graduating from great colleges, and they don't know how to hold a fork at a business meeting," said Chatham College graduate student Honore McDonough Ervin, co-author of "Things You Need to Be Told: A handbook for Polite Behavior in a tacky, rude world!" (Berkley, $9.95).

Wearing pearls and classic black dresses on the book's back cover, Ervin, 27, and co-author Lesley Carlin, 28, may seem a bit anachronistic, but the Etiquette Grrls, or the EGs as they call themselves, believe now is the time for civility and social graces to return to modern life.

Ervin and Carlin are "graduates of New England Preparatory Schools and Prestigious Colleges; they are throwers of Great Parties; they can hold their liquor; their expertise on fashion and makeup -- and especially Subversive Nail Polish colors -- knows no bounds; they wear Doc Martens with their cashmere twin sets; and, most important, they know what they are talking about," according to their publisher.

The two, who met in middle school in Massachusetts and are given to mid-sentence Word Capitalization, offer very tongue-in-cheek but quite palatable, practical advice for those not in the etiquette know. They cover everything from setting up your first apartment to how to throw a party to what to wear while online.

"I think my generation realizes they don't have all the knowledge they need to be sophisticated in the real world," said Ervin, who is studying nonfiction writing at Chatham and received her undergraduate degree in English and art history there in 1997. "That's because their parents were of the hippie generation and everything was free and loose."

Ervin's parents, who are older than her peers' parents, gave her a much more old-fashioned upbringing. Her mother never worked outside of the home. Her father was a naval officer.

"Things were strict," said Ervin, who is very proud of her Pittsburgh ties and whose maternal grandfather, Martin J. Walsh, an early official of the United Steelworkers of America union. "I had to have impeccable table manners and phone manners because the admiral might be calling."

Through the book and Web site, www.Etiquettegrrls.com, they offer a variety of advice on everything from roommates and table manners to work attire and the art of writing thank-you notes.

What is appropriate to wear on Casual Fridays?

Ervin wants people to know it's not OK to wear torn jeans, tank tops and nose rings on Casual Friday and that the concept of casual doesn't give people license to wear whatever they want and to look sloppy.

"Even though it's a more casual world than it used to be, you still need to maintain a certain level of decorum if you want to be taken seriously at work," she said.

What is the correct way to ask someone out on a date?

"It's all just, 'Hey, let's just hang out sometime.' What does that mean?" Ervin said. "I would like to be asked, 'Would you care to go see 'A Beautiful Mind' with me this Friday and before that go to dinner?' "

Ervin recommends men have a specific activity in mind when asking a woman out on a date and that they be dressed appropriately.

"Maybe in something that has been laundered and ironed recently," she said. "So far as girls dressing for dates, don't dress like a hooker .... Always err to the side of conservatism."

Is it ever not rude to chat on a cell phone?

They're OK to have on hand when traveling and in case of emergencies, but their use should be kept to a minimum.

"They're going off in business meetings, movie theaters and actual theaters, and it drives me crazy," Ervin said. "People don't need to overhear your private conversations."

This Etiquette Grrl doesn't believe one sex is rude more often than the other but does believe men and women are rude in different ways. Men can be rude in that they're sometimes thoughtless and self-absorbed. It doesn't occur to them to open a door for a woman or to compliment her on her appearance.

"Women tend to be cattily rude, and make nasty personal comments about your weight or looks or clothing, and that goes beyond rude, that's cruel," she said.

Ervin would like to give a style lesson or two to the likes of Cameron Diaz -- whose chronic electric blue eye shadow and scarlet lipstick make her look clownish -- and Sarah Jessica Parker -- who she believes usually looks like "an utter tramp," though, for a change, she looked quite lovely at Sunday's Golden Globes.

"If she wants people to think of her as a lady and not as the character she plays on TV, she should start dressing like a lady and not her character," said Ervin, whose style models are Audrey Hepburn and Grace Kelly.

She also would like to give Russell Crowe some mentoring on good manners, remembering his humorless sullen and snitty reaction to Steve Martin's playful ribbing at last year's Academy Awards.

"He didn't have the good graces to laugh," said Ervin, whose etiquette heroines include Letitia Baldrige, Miss Manners and Peggy Post. "Especially when you're in public and you're a celebrity, you have an obligation -- even if you're in a bad mood -- to be pleasant."

She also has these sage words for Winona Ryder: "Shoplifting as a publicity stunt is extremely poor form."

Although a few misguided types mistake the Etiquette Grrls' tongue-in-cheek tone for snobbishness, Ervin stressed that having money has nothing to do with having style.

"You just have to have common sense and a good eye," she said. "You can make your clothes yourself or pick up pieces at vintage stores or Goodwill and look like a million bucks and you can buy your clothes at Saks, like Sarah Jessica Parker, and look like a street person."

And although it would seem rather declasse to appear on a trashy TV talk show, the Etiquette Grrls are schedule to appear on "The Maury Povich Show" in the near future. They're slated to give troublesome teens makeovers, take them out to a classy restaurant and teach them table manners.

"It's either going to be hilarious or we're going to slit our wrists," Ervin said. "If nothing else, it will be a good story and a free trip to New York."