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Saturday, August 24, 2002

By Peter McKay

With school coming around, it was time this weekend for my boys' end-of-summer trim.

	Homemaking is a column about the people, projects and pride that make a house a home. Peter McKay, a Ben Avon resident, is a nationally syndicated columnist with Creators Syndicate.

I usually give them one good shearing at the beginning of the summer, and then another in mid-July, when they grow out and begin to resemble bad toupees. But I also make sure that they start the school year with a neat haircut. I do this myself not because of tradition, or because I am a talented hair stylist, or even because I think of myself as the king of D-I-Y, but because I am cheap.

A haircut these days, even at a discount chain, runs about $14. And while I realize that a professional job would look neater and more attractive, I also take into account that my boys aren't sticklers for appearances. (My youngest once wore the same T-shirt five days in a row, taking it off at night to "air out." Another boy walked around for a week with a melted caramel in his hair, not even curious as to what it might be.) Opting for a store-bought trim job then, seems like throwing money away.

I have experimented with all types of styles, but settled on one basic cut: crew cut length on the sides, 3/4 inch on top. It's not the most stylish look, but it's fast, sort of like shearing sheep. It also has the advantage that little can go wrong. Nothing sticks out funny or looks choppy when it's all one length, and there's no "blending" required. (My 8-year-old pleaded this year for a "Ranger Cut," something he had seen in a war movie. He asked me to shave his head, except for the very top, which should have a small circle of hair. I refused, telling him that what looks tough on a trooper might make a kid his age just look inbred.)

The boys really don't like to have me do their hair. I have more than once drawn blood as I attempted to work my way around their ears. But they can be bribed into it. I've put out a standing offer that I would split the savings accrued by forgoing the barbershop. They walk away from the whole experience a little misshapen and with a minor laceration or two, but $7 richer. My oldest son opted out of this whole system a couple of years ago. When I tried to get him back in the fold, offering him the whole $14, he told me, "Dad, you pay me once for the haircut. I pay at school for weeks!"

My mother, probably for the same reasons that got me started, used to cut our hair when my brothers and I were growing up. She did not like us to go off to school with perfectly straight bangs, as the neighbor kids used to call out "Hey Moe, where's Larry and Curly?" And styling gel had not yet been invented, or at least it was not used on males of the species who wanted to survive the playground.

So she invented her own style. Our bangs were cut at a 30-degree angle, giving the impression, at least from a distance, that we had combed our hair to the side. Our friends and neighbors got used to our lopsided look, and rarely commented on it, but strangers would often stare for a moment, and our annual school pictures looked right only if tilted at a slight angle.

I do feel a little guilty about convincing our boys to forgo proper haircuts, especially as the clippers I have used for the past 10 years are not technically for human use. (The drugstore where I shopped had sold out of haircutting kits, but the clerk whispered to me that I could buy the exact same hair trimmer in the Pet Grooming section one aisle over, and would save $3. I also got a coupon for dog biscuits. )

And the mess left drives my wife insane. I usually set up shop in the master bathroom over the sink. I try my best to clean up the piles of clippings but usually miss a hair or two. (My wife angrily points this out to me as she is brushing her teeth with a woolly toothbrush or trying to insert a furry contact lens.)

Still, I felt a certain sense of pride and satisfaction as each of my younger boys left the bathroom this weekend with a semi-professional cut and $7 in his pocket. I even got a little choked up as I called out, "Make sure you get a bandage on that before you go outside!"