Sunday, January 11, 2004

I used to carry McDonald's gift certificates in my wallet to offer to panhandlers when they begged for change.

Recipients were generally appreciative of these $1 coupons, though there were occasional exceptions. I finally dropped my Golden Arches Benevolence Program a few years ago when one codger approached me on Liberty Avenue, told me it was his birthday (amazing how many panhandlers I meet on their birthdays) and said he sought money for food.

I told him to follow me into the McDonald's and I'd buy him breakfast. He followed hesitantly, but after I ordered his meal, he blurted, "You eat it!," and stomped out.

Evidently, our hero had been seeking funds for something more stimulating than coffee and an Egg McMuffin.

Still, McDonald's had performed its essential function: It was cheap and it was fast, never cheaper nor faster than it was that morning, because I canceled the order when the birthday boy bolted.

This is all we really ask of Mickey D's. This is all we should ask. None of us has ever walked into the place, looked around, and before ordering a McWhatsit-with-cheese, thought, "It's good to be back with the health nuts again."

Yet in an age when billboards suggest the consumption of IC Light leads to six-pack abs, when half of America sees Subway sandwiches as weight-loss pills, there is no leap of logic that consumers aren't asked to make. Hence the recent news that McDonald's restaurants in Greater New York are posting carbohydrate and fat information, the better to serve Big Apple dieters.

The news was particularly jolting to me because the Associated Press story had interviews from the McDonald's in Carle Place on Long Island. That was my boyhood carb-and-fat emporium, the very place where Mark Rado slipped extra food to the classes of '73 and '74. (Rado is now a lieutenant colonel in the Army, so I'm hoping the statute of limitations for that odd extra cheeseburger is up after 30 years. If not, well, the fries in Leavenworth are great.)

Times have changed. Modern diners in my hometown told the wire reporter they approved of the new menu options. For them, it was a revelation that they could save 43 grams of carbohydrates on a Big Mac by eschewing the bun, sauce and onions.

But everyone knows a Big Mac is two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. It is not two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. Forty-three grams are a small price to pay for poetry.

And, for the love of Atkins, what are we to do with those catchy McDonald's jingles of yesteryear? Would we remember them if they went like this?

When you're watching your weight
So your butt won't inflate
We'll hold the bun and the sauce
Though we won't cut the cost
We deserve a break today
You get less (if that's OK)
At McDonald's

Hey, don't get me wrong. I'm for choices. I'm for information. I'm for health. I'm for McDonald's adapting to stay alive because I got nostalgic the other day and bought more $1 coupons for panhandlers.

Just don't ask me to explain to them that eggs and red meat (formerly bad) are now preferable to bread (formerly the staff of life.) I checked the dollar menu at McDonald's the other day and I'd still say the sausage biscuit was a better value than the side salad, even if the saturated fat differential is off the charts. Eating too much is not on every American's list of worries.

If it's on your list, don't stop with counting carbs. Count your blessings.

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