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Tuesday, February 04, 2003

News item: Punxsutawney Phil, the meteorology-inclined groundhog, emerged from his burrow, saw his shadow and predicted six more weeks of winter weather.

As it happens, he was just one of a number of creatures stirring after their hibernation, but the mainstream media don't cover them because they are biased in favor of groundhogs. Weasels, you will note, don't get such favorable press.

Instead of asking the hard question -- "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" (Answer: "It depends whether the job pays better than weather forecasting"), the media just fawn over Phil.

So it is left to me to mention others who have come into the light, perhaps not with men in top hats in attendance or in places with names as felicitous as Gobbler's Knob. Here is my modest list of parallel events:

The president of the United States emerged from his den at the White House, predicted only six more weeks of peace (if that), at which point we will be afraid of our shadows.

The vice president of the United States hardly emerged from his burrow, for he lives in the shadows and consults with the president for six weeks at a time.

U.N. weapons inspectors emerged from warehouses and palaces, saw the shadow of George W. Bush and predicted that they would be working very hard in the next six weeks (but to no effect, no matter what they do or do not find).

The new governor of Pennsylvania, Ed Rendell, emerged from his lair in Harrisburg, saw the shadow of future economic problems and had commentators suggesting that new taxes might be announced in about six weeks.

Editorial writers and other pundits emerged from their ivory towers, saw the shadow of contradictions and predicted six more weeks of writing "on one hand" and "on the other hand."

Moviegoers, seeking entertainment in the winter, emerged from the shadows after seeing "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers," which was so long it seemed to last about six weeks. Some were surprised that it was still winter when they came out of the theater.

The Pittsburgh Penguins emerged from their dressing room, saw various shadows of former glory and wished nobody called Alexei Kovalev would be traded in the next six weeks.

Frozen folks, especially here in Pittsburgh, emerged from their houses, saw the shadows of snow piles, and predicted six more weeks of shoveling their sidewalks.

Overfed Americans emerged from their kitchens, saw their round reflections in the mirror and predicted six more weeks of dieting before they could become shadows of their former plump selves.

Basketball players, out of the shadow of football at last, emerged into the limelight and foretold six more weeks of excitement before March Madness.

Politicians of various stripes, never content to be in the shadows, stayed out of their burrows as always and pontificated for weeks on end.

College students emerged from their dorms after a long hibernation, saw that their wallets were overshadowed by impending poverty and called Mom and Dad for funds.

Seniors in high school emerged from their homerooms, saw the shadow of graduation and predicted they would do nothing for at least six weeks.

Parents and teachers of the aforementioned seniors emerged from their rooms, saw the lengthening shadow of lethargy upon the teens and predicted at least six weeks of aggravation unless they shaped up.

Members of the Raelian cult emerged from their spaceships and predicted that they would be cloning a groundhog in six weeks.

Saddam Hussein emerged from his bunker, saw the shadow of the U.N. weapons inspectors and predicted that Iraqi scientists would clone him within six weeks, because if the Raelians could do it, why not the mother of all scientific establishments?

Hallmark card manufacturers emerged happily from their studios in time for Valentine's Day and predicted optimistically that people might need St. Patrick's Day cards in about six weeks.

And, oh yes, men in top hats emerged from Gobbler's Knob, their work with shadows done for another year, and predicted that in six weeks nobody would remember what the darn groundhog said anyway.