There's a young man with a bone through his nose who sometimes takes my bus. It occurred to me the other day that I can no longer tell if kids like him are rebelling against something or just trying to fit in.
I mean, I can't go home and say, "Hey, honey, I just saw a kid with a bone through his nose." Because she lives in the same world as I do, so she's only going to respond with, "And?"
Yes, as we enter 2003, the bar to truly eccentric behavior has been raised higher than ever. That is little concern to those of us who have accepted our chronic lack of hipness, but it has to be a worry to those people who use phrases like "cutting edge" and "next big thing" while keeping straight faces.
It is for them that a South Hills dentist presents a mobile phone that fits in your molar.
I drove out to Dr. Susan Petruska's office in Bethel Park to find out more about this. Petruska had only a photo of the prototype, but she says she could have one available within a few months.
"It's sorta cool, I think," she said.
I suggested this was well beyond "sorta." A tooth phone was beyond even Maxwell Smart.
"It's way cool," she agreed.
The tooth phone was designed by Jimmy Loizeau and James Auger, research associates from MIT Media Lab Europe. They say a micro-vibration device and a wireless receiver can be implanted into a natural tooth. The jawbone acts as the antenna. Sounds are transferred into the inner ear by bone resonance.
It's supposed to be very discreet. Nobody would notice your tooth ringing but you.
So who would want one of these? I mean besides that kid on the bus with the bone through his nose.
Well, when Petruska mentioned this device recently at the Mt. Lebanon Ice Rink, parents stopped yelling "shoot the puck!" to their hockey-playing progeny long enough to give the tooth telephone rave reviews.
Imagine the ability to whisper "shoot the puck!" to your kid and your kid alone. The mind reels, as will the checkbook once nagging is taken to the next level.
Mind you, Petruska doesn't advocate putting a phone in a child's tooth. But there are adults -- athletes, stock traders, international spies -- who might easily drop the estimated $2,000 it would take to have their calls directed to the backs of their mouths.
I have no doubt buyers will be found. But those whose mouths water for a high-tech tooth should know that these phones cannot send messages. They only receive. After all, these are molars. They're not supposed to be cutting-edge. That's what incisors are for.
As I sat in Petruska's office, I realized how hopelessly behind the times I am. Tooth phones will only be the latest innovation in American dentistry.
Petruska explained how young girls have been electing to have tiny rhinestones attached to their teeth for some years now, accessories that can withstand up to six months of brushing. Boys have been going more for temporary "tattoos," little adhesive footballs and soccer balls and such. When they get older, they can even elect to have permanent tattoos put on their crowns. Those run about $175 apiece, on top of the $800 for the crown.
Petruska estimated that she had done 75 to 100 of those permanent works of art. They're always on the back teeth, though.
"I don't think I'd put one on someone's front tooth."
So what was the oddest tattoo she'd ever done?
"Body parts," she said finally. "Use your imagination."
Note to self: If that kid with the bone through his nose ever opens his mouth, look away.
Brian O'Neill can be reached at boneill@post-gazette.com or 412-263-1947.
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