Lack toast and tolerance? Stop reading now. Oh sorry -- that's the butterfat clouding my brain. I overdosed on Sunday. But it was a sacrifice I made for the cause of increased knowledge, understanding and waistlines everywhere.
Aside from the lactose intolerant, we all scream for ice cream -- and never more so than during the dog days of summer. But it turns out we don't all scream for the same thing. The gender wars continue, and the weapon is a scoop.
Some of us need our ice cream quick and dirty. We don't want any time to second-guess the indulgence, so ripping the wrapper off a Choco Taco is the best way to circumvent guilt.
But waiting in a long line for two scoops of frozen bliss one sweltering August night, I had time to remember my diet and to waver. As I inched closer to the ice cream stand's screened holy grail, I worried: Should I be doing this?
I inventoried the bodies languishing near mine and wondered: Is everybody doing it?
And so my quest began. The crusade for wisdom in dairy delights took me to nearly all of the North Hills' warm-weather joints. It was an eating tour.
First stop was the Cranberry Creamery, where ice cream is handmade on the premises each morning.
"Guys will go for the plainer flavors, the soft-serve vanilla or chocolate," said Liz Spencer, 17, a three-year Creamery veteran. "Women just ask, 'What is your chocolatiest flavor?'"
If it's not a word, it should be. And what is it? What is the chocolatiest thing she has?
This week it's Brownie, the heavenly drowning of brownie chunks in chocolate ice cream. As I nibbled my way through a kiddie cone filled with the stuff, I asked Liz whether there was any point of iced agreement between the sexes.
Frozen yogurt is an increasingly popular choice among the calorie-conscious, even among teen-agers, she said. "It's really good. It doesn't taste like yogurt."
"Mmmph," I responded.
But for the ice cream lovers, she continued, the only meeting ground is caffeinated. Men and women both love Coffee Chunk, but women appreciate the additional medicinal benefit of its big chunks of chocolate.
There's something to this women-and-chocolate thing, agreed Beth Hughes, 23.
"Last week, I saw someone wearing a T-shirt that said, 'Give me the chocolate and I won't hurt you'," said Hughes, manager of Sweet Licks on Perry Highway.
And that's what they've been requesting for her four years behind the counter. "Women always ask, 'What's the most chocolate you have?' but guys stick with the simple flavors."
The most chocolate at Sweet Licks comes in the form of Brownies and Fudge but in the interests of science I felt obliged to taste-test the Fudge and Brownie. It sounded closest to what I'd sampled at the Cranberry Creamery.
It turns out, however, that Sweet Licks' fudge and brownie bits are suspended in vanilla ice cream instead of chocolate. Kind of a palate cleanser for what was to follow.
Bruster's on Brandt School Road near Interstate 79 and Route 910 was the busiest place I saw. The lines at both windows were 10 people deep, ruling out a leisurely chat with the scoop-wielders, so I decided to collect the much needed information by eavesdropping on other customers' orders.
That's when I found there was more religion in this ritual than just the worship of chocolate. I was standing as near as I could without appearing to cut in line, but I couldn't hear what anyone was ordering. They'd mumble as if the little screened window were a confessional, and they were cataloguing their sins.
Maybe they were. "I'll have, um, two scoops of the mint chocolate chip in a cup with chocolate syrup and jimmies and peanuts on top. And a scoop of macadamia nut brittle and a scoop of double -fudge fluff in a waffle cone. That's for ... uh, for my husband -- yeah. He's, um, waiting in the car."
At Regis Steedle Candies in Millvale, I sat under ceiling fans at an old-fashioned counter and savored a chocolate milkshake. Steedle uses cocoa, not chocolate syrup, to make his cold confections.
While sometimes I think ice cream cones should come with Velcro so you can just apply them directly to your hips, the most effective way to consume a Steedle's shake would be through an IV drip.
The proprietor and his staff haven't noticed any greater liking for chocolate among their female customers, but they have observed that men stick with their individual favorites year-round, while women will experiment with seasonal flavors and changes.
That's all the information I was able to gather in one Sunday afternoon. I am, however, committed to continue this investigation at least through Labor Day.
And before my sugar high wears off, I'm going to pitch another research project to the editors. North Hills pizzerias: pepperoni or sausage?
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