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Tuesday, November 14, 2000
The great election recount has transfixed the nation. People stop strangers in the street to seek new information, and the Web is buzzing with electronic chatter.
I speak, of course, not about who won the election, but on the greater question: How many goofy remarks did Dan Rather really make on election night?
Was it a dozen dopey witticisms? Or was it double that number?
Unfortunately, this burning debate has left me at a disadvantage, because, in common with many other viewers, I have long thought that everything the famous CBS gas bag says is either goofy, pompous or patronizing.
So when it comes to Rather, I'd rather not. But those who did watch his election night performance at length say he was in rare form. Apparently, he has always used folksy expressions to convey the impression that he is one of those old-fashioned down-home news anchors. On election night, it was whoa, Nellie!
If you did not hear Declamatory Dan -- and this would speak very well of you -- here is a brief sampling of the great man's sayings as recorded by the staff of Salon, the online magazine:
"These returns are running like a squirrel in a cage."
"Bush has run through Dixie like a big wheel through a cotton field."
"This race is as tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-hot car ride back from the beach."
"Hotter than a Laredo parking lot."
"It would be Shakespearean for Al Gore to lose because of his home state."
"We've lived by the crystal ball, we're eating so much broken glass. We're in critical condition."
A number of other gems were recorded, but all seem to agree that the Best of Show was this one:
"If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a handgun."
What this means exactly, one can only surmise. Perhaps it refers to a broader interpretation of the Second Amendment than is the norm -- the right to keep and bear tadpoles. Then again, it may be a reminder that guns don't kill frogs, frogs kill frogs.
All I know is that we are indeed fortunate that frogs aren't armed, because then we'd have to pry their guns from their cold amphibian fingers. And President Clinton would have to propose putting safety locks on ponds to protect our children.
Yes, old Dan seems to have gotten a bit carried away on election night, and even if you were a real down-home person, this babble would have left you scratching your head with the coal tongs.
Yet, as tempting as it is, I am reluctant to condemn Dan, the metaphor masticator, for speaking in colorful terms. The sad truth is that American speech is boring and unimaginative much of the time, and a few more frisky expressions would do us all good.
Here in Pittsburgh we have been blessed with several colorful media commentators -- the late Bob Prince, Myron Cope and Mike Lange -- who have done much to enliven the language. But when Elvis has left the building, what are we left with? A bunch of people saying "cool" to each other, just like the beatniks did in the 1950s.
This is a great sadness to me, as I have always strived to speak and write nonsense with great flair.
Perhaps I could instruct Dan Rather in the fine art of the silly saying. For one thing, nobody has ever accused me of being down home. No, they merely say I should be sent down to a home, preferably one for the criminally cliched.
But if you are going to throw the cat among the pigeons, you have to watch what you say, because there are always some sour people who would go to heaven and complain that they had to play the harp.
One of the most controversial columns I ever wrote suggested that Pittsburgh speech should be considered acceptable in this region as a dialect worthy of respect. Well, that caused more trouble than a ventriloquist with Tourette's syndrome. People were madder than wet hens. I was left feeling lonelier than a ham sandwich in Jerusalem.
True, that Dan Rather is as annoying as a tick behind a mule's ear, but let's not condemn colorful speech on his account. Because, if a liberal frog did have side pockets on his legs, he would leap over the bar and buy us all another round of drinks. Courage!
Reg Henry's e-mail address is rhenry@post-gazette.com.