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Tuesday, February 16, 1999 By Reg Henry
The question of whether Tinky Winky is gay has no doubt been consuming your waking hours. As a fan of the "Teletubbies" TV show myself, I was shocked to read last week that one of their number had been outed by the Rev. Jerry Falwell.
If you have not seen "Teletubbies" - and if you haven't then I commend you for leading a productive life - let me explain that the show originates in England and is designed for toddlers.
In England, of course, they eat lots of greasy fish and chips and make lard sandwiches, so it is no wonder that their toddlers are predisposed to being a bit on the tubby side.
Just for variety, the Teletubbies have an antenna on their heads and sometimes screens on their stomachs. If Mr. Falwell will pardon the expression, each is gaily colored.
The amazing thing about "Teletubbies" is that almost nothing happens during the show. The Teletubbies emerge from a building that looks like a renovated Civic Arena and they frolic and dance on a meadow where bunny rabbits are grazing. The Teletubbies ooh and aah a lot.
The best part of the program is at the end when a periscope rises and a voice announces: "Teletubby bye-bye, Teletubby bye-bye." (I'd really like to say this to my wife at bedtime, but she already has serious doubts about me.)
As far as the show's social purpose, I surmise that it is a subliminal attempt to brainwash English tots into one day liking cricket, the national game of England in which nothing happens for days on end.
In the American context, "Teletubbies" will surely prepare young children for the time when they do nothing as adults - for example, when they attend corporate meetings or sit as members of Congress.
This seems benign enough, so I am grateful to Mr. Falwell for alerting us to the insidious danger. The February edition of his National Liberty Journal points out that Tinky Winky has the voice of a boy but carries a purse. "He is purple - the gay-pride color; and his antenna is shaped like a triangle - the gay-pride symbol."
Well, it's so obvious when you think about it. We can only be grateful that the rest of the Teletubbies - Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po - are typical lumberjack types and have not come under suspicion.
But there's only one thing that bothers me about Mr. Falwell's identification of Tinky Winky as an enemy of all right-thinking people. As it happens, the Teletubbies have no obvious - ahem, blush, blush - appendages.
Now, I'm no expert on gays, but I would have thought that an absence of naughty bits would immediately disqualify a person from the lifestyle. As a good old boy like Mr. Falwell surely understands, in fishing as in life, you got to have the right tackle to make the catch.
Perhaps this is why the Teletubbies have periscopes in their house; they are scanning the countryside for suitably equipped playmates to join in their special fun.
Certainly Mr. Falwell is right to worry about the purse (some say it's a magic bag, but we know better).
Now if Tinky Winky were wearing a gun, this would be a far better example for the kiddies. Perhaps he could take a pot shot or two at the rabbits, which would add some much-needed action to the show.
As it is, all they do is hug and be nice to each other. Yuck! There's nothing less manly than the notion that we must love our neighbors as ourselves. Where do these ideas come from?
One can only hope that Mr. Falwell does not stop now. Surely no one will object if he pursues Barney for the offense of being purple.
Perhaps, too, he finally can get some pants put on that scandalous pair, Donald and Daisy Duck (however, we should be lenient; after all, they are heterosexuals).
Thank goodness someone is worrying about the things most of us in our innocence consider too silly to fret about. Time for the periscope to go up and echo the feelings of the American people: "The Rev. Falwell bye-bye, the Rev. Falwell bye-bye."
Reg Henry's e-mail is: rhenry@post-gazette.com.
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