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Monday, January 12, 1998 By Brian O'Neill
Skiing has come under scrutiny in recent weeks, with two prominent Americans dying in unrelated accidents, but my friend, Sean Michael Cannon of Shaler, seems strangely alone in his quest for justice.
"We've got to get to the root of the problem," Cannon writes.
"These trees have killed before. They will kill again. In order to ensure maximum safety for the legions of amateur and professional skiers taking advantage of our purple mountains' majesty, we begin a massive tree removal campaign immediately."
At first blush, I wanted to call Cannon an extremist. These recent events were, after all, senseless accidents involving grown men aware of the risks. But then I thought a minute.
Don't we live in a culture that believes in the right to live risk-free? A drunk can hardly fall off a curb anymore without a lawyer waiting to break his fall, and there are columnists so timid, so afraid of the humor-impaired, that they feel the need to label their pieces "satire," when they really mean "some of you aren't going to get this and I really don't care."
Cannon is simply a patriot ahead of the curve. I read on with his letter, and soon was eager to rally behind his call to chain saws. Here is a man ready to eliminate danger from our lives, who can see that what America needs most right now is the raw material for a mountain of No. 2 pencils and chopsticks.
"I urge each and every one of you to write your congressman and demand a return to unrestricted logging and strip-mining as a means of keeping our environment safe," Cannon wrote.
(I think he might have lifted that verbatim from a Tribune-Review editorial, but I'll let it go.)
"On a personal note, my wife and I recently took our family on a hike through a local park that shall remain nameless. There, to our horror, we chanced upon two elms committing an act of photosynthesis IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!"
(We'll dispense here with Cannon's graphic description of naked branches and heaving trunks, but will warn any elms in the audience that, of all species, they should be aware they are susceptible to disease.)
"Imagine our discomfort!" Cannon continued. "We were stunned and, of course, we had to answer many embarrassing questions from our inquisitive 6-year-old on the way home.
"So, yes, maybe I do have an ax to grind, but I assure you mine is not a voice crying alone in the murderous wilderness. I say to you, defoliate today, defoliate tomorrow, and reap the benefits of worry-free winter recreation forever."
That's it then, except for Cannon's wise counsel to ignore the rumored claims that conservative columnist Patrick Buchanan has suggested the offending trees be fed to a pack of rabid beavers.
"I'll admit that last idea has some merit, but vigilantism, while perfectly suited for schools and post offices, has no place at posh resorts."
Hear, hear.
The irony for those who would take issue with Cannon's clear-cut vision is that any letters of protest would only get him closer to his goal. Each would be written on part of an ex-tree. The lost bark would be worse than the bite.
So why fight the inevitable? We'll soon see skimeisters sprucing up, or rather sprucing down, their slopes. For safety's sake, the fir will fly, as will the hemlock. America may be only marginally safer as it gets uglier, but that never stopped us from overkill before.
Timberrrrrrrrr.
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