It's time again for TechMan's traditional (it's the fifth year) Christmas poem, with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore. The lyrics have been updated.
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a device was glowing, not even a mouse.
Stockings were hung by the fake fireplace with care,
In hopes that St. Techolas soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Hoping tales of their illegal downloads wouldn't reach the feds.
And mamma in her Snuggie and I in my bunk,
Dreamt of a dark future -- like cyberpunk.
When out on the deck, there arose such a noise,
Like a neighbor back home from drinks with the boys.
To the window I flew faster than light,
Tore open the shutters, gazed into the night.
The icicle lights on the new-fallen snow,
Gave the shine of gorilla glass to objects below.
When, what to my night-visioned eyes should appear,
But a murky stealth sleigh and eight robot reindeer.
With a little old driver, built right to spec,
I knew in a moment it must be Saint Tech.
More rapid than 4G his coursers they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name!
"Now, Twitter! Now, 4Square! Now, Bluetooth and Skype!
On, Pinterest! On, Tumblr! On, Android and Swype!
To the top of the stack! To the Facebook wall!
Now surf away! Surf away! Surf away all!"
As dry leaves that before the leafblower fly,
When they meet with a leaf bag, they mount to the sky.
So up to the antenna his coursers did fly,
And cut off my rerun of "Magnum PI."
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The clicking and clacking of each metal hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning to see,
Down the chimney he came, swift as USB 3
He was dressed all in red, with a white glove like MJ,
And his face was all smudged with exhaust from his sleigh.
A bundle of gadgets he had flung on his back,
And he smiled like Tim Cook unveiling a new Mac.
With eyes like LEDs, how they twinkled and shone,
Like the flashlight app I put on my phone!
His appearance was joyous, as one might expect,
Like his WiFi device did finally connect.
An HDMI cable he held tight in his teeth,
And recharger wires encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a red nose and a belly so great,
That shook when he laughed, like a cell phone on vibrate!
He was chubby and plump, just like a Furby,
I laughed and it made him go all topsy-turvy.
A twist of his head and a chuckle so big
Like his catapult bird had just hit a pig.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his task,
And filled all the socks, then took a shot from his flask.
And rubbing his fingers with lots of Purell,
He gobbled the carrot sticks and soy milk as well!
He sprang to his ride, his team he did call,
And away they all flew, like cash at the mall.
But I heard him exclaim, as gravity he spurned,
"No batteries included, no receipts for returns."